Pain & Change

"When the pain is great enough, you will change."

A belief that has carried me over many obstacles in the last couple of years.  Today, something shifted.  I haven't ran in a week, I had lost my desire to run.  It's the week I bump up to running 5 min solid, and have no desire to do that.  Can I do it physically? Yes, I've done it before.   All that kept running through my head is how boring it is going ot be to run for 5 minutes, and yes granted at about 3.5 minutes are start thinking how much this is really starting to suck.... but for the most part I keep thinking this is boring I don't want to run for 5 minutes. So I asked myself if it was just the running I didn't want to do or running for the five minutes... it was just the five minutes, I really wanted to run. 

So, I ran, I ran two minute intervals for 20 min at a little bit faster past because I like runnin fast... and I felt amazing.  It was easy. I can very comfortable run that.  As I was asking myself what was going on with me, what where my feelings? My thoughts? Any fears? Any expecations? Were they reasonable expectations or was my sometimes over-acheiving nature begninning to play a part,  It was none of that. I saw myself in the circuit training class a few days before where I wasn't pushing myself as hard as I used to. Once the physical pain became too uncomfortable I stopped, I didn't see the point in continuing that particular cycle.

I have lost the desire to push myself outside of my comfort zone because there is no more pain. I am content. The pain  of where I am no longer supercedes the pain it will take to get to where I'm going.

 My sense of I hurt so bad emotionally, physically, spiritually, I am willing to near kill myself to make this change... is gone.  I'm no longer a broken, shattered mess that is feverishly searching for a way out of where I am.  I've embraced where I am. I have become whole.  Pain has always been my biggest movitvator my entire life.  Pain has drove me to the darkest depths of my darkest days, and then turned right around and brought me to a place of utter joy, serenity, and peace. 

I sat in the gym this morning and laughed.  I was grateful for the pain and for the freedom. I was grateful for everything I had been through and been given... and then wondered if there is no more pain, what will be my biggest motivator? If I seek pain, I would find it. But why would I do that? To begin another vicious cycle? No worries, I won't be seeking pain. If I were to seek out pain, simply to motivate myself I would simply be using my old self-destructive tendencies... as someone once told me "You were everything you've been through like a badge of honor, what are you gonna put yourself through next? When are you going to stop?" Right now. (Well, Right then actually) There was a shift.  I've known nothing but struggle my entire life. Facing a demon, only to fight it.  I don't have to fight anymore.  I've chosen to not suffer. Those words spoken to me those few months ago reverberated through my being into eternity.  A change occured, instantaneously.

So what now?  Continue to enjoy where I am.  Give my body what it needs, my inner child what it wants, and my God my life while remembering only the lessons and the Love, and keeping it moving. All within a beautiful balance.  Letting go, and breathing... always.  Honoring myself and others.  A psychic told me about 2 and half years ago as I grew spiritually, the weight would literally fall off, hmph.  I went back to that moment just now and smiled. It's neat how I can look back on THAT moment while seeing this one, but couldn't see this moment, while being in that one...

Love & Light
Dottie