Flashback

       I decided I needed a day to do nothing but lounge. That's exactly what I'm doing, other than my hour on the elliptical. It's amazing to me how that has become part of a day where I do nothing but "lounge." A day when even a shower is arbitrary. About 45 min in, rocking out to Pandora I noticed a sign with a beach and fake sun that said, "Just think about that beach body". I thought, "What a fucking joke" & laughed. I looked to my left and say a whole row of empty precors, treadmills, & ellipticals. In that instant I smiled, a tear rolled down my cheek and I felt a sense of accomplishment & overwhelming gratitude. That moment took me back about 3 and a half years ago just before I got sober. I was sitting the bar I came to pretty much every night, good & buzzed, over 300 lbs, on my second pack of smokes, seriously considering letting the guy to my left take me home... when I looked down the row of people I had seen every other night I come here, old... like life had chewed them up and spit them out and thought, "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE?" I knew this was not the life I wanted to live. I was dying, I was killing myself slowly, trying to hid from myself. Today, words couldn't describe how I felt when that moment flashed through my mind and the reality of where I was then came back into focus. All I could do was smile & cry. Yes, right there on the elliptical in the middle of Anytime Fitness.

Love & Light
Dottie