Giving In or Giving All

"to know when to bend and when to leap - when to bow out and when to hurl our passion like buckets of paint across a stage. to give every last drop of our selves" - b

       So which is it? How do you know when to "bow out" or to "give every last drop of our selves?" Maybe both get you to the same place. Not sure. I do know for the last two weeks, I've not wanted to train with Burkey. I didn't "feel like it". Various reasons, or excuses.... I mean there is a very fine line between the two, and often I'm not sure if there is a line at all. I've been trying the "pushing through it" thing for two weeks. Where I show up, and do the work. First week, good. Last week, I quit half way through. This week, I woke up at 4am and couldn't stop arguing with myself about why I should keep my appointment today. I finally texted him at 6:27am and said "I can't sleep bc I'm arguing with myself about how I need to work out today. I cannot maintain any sort of desire to do so, so I'm canceling. I don't want to work that hard today." The quote above reverberated through my mind. I'm not good at resting, at taking time out to recover. I take small spurts and tell myself that was plenty. The thought of NOT working out at all for more than a day sends me almost into a panic. I'm so used to walking around with a constant low level of soreness, somewhere in my body.

   What do I feel? Shame. Anger. Impatience. I didn't want to NOT go today! What's this a lesson in? Being true to myself? Humility (burning up of that ego)? Goal setting and decision making? Distinguishing between wants and needs? Being okay with not getting what I want? Letting go of congrol? I mean, I LITERALLY just made a training schedule for the tough mudder, posted a whole blog about it and everything! THEN skipped both yin AND weight training? Wow. A lesson in not caring what other's may think maybe? OR  could  this is be about acceptance. Being with things as they are. I could run myself crazy in circles asking and attempting to answer all of these questions. I wonder if maybe I create anger inside me, so I can push myself to my limits. Or if this is how my mind creates chaos in my life. As if I'm aware enough for it to not totally run my life or drag others into the drama, but still there enough to reek havoc on me. Right now I'm angry at myself. But that isn't productive (or is it?)  and the best thing I can do is allow it to be there. Be angry at myself. If I'm okay with being angry with nyself, then a sense of happiness begins to rise to the surface because I'm technically getting what I want. I know, it's really strange how that happens isn't it?

   Under all of this. There is a quiet spaciousness that is just there. Observing all of this. A knowing that figuring it out isn't what this is about right now. Just allowing it to be there, and be gone when it's over. Feels like today is a good day to slow down, breath a little deeper, sit a little longer in meditation, and take the day in chunks. What is it I feel I need to do right now? Do that, then ask again. Those thoughts bring me peace.... and sure don't run me in crazy circles.

Love & Light,
Dottie