Know Thyself

Endorphins are my drug of choice, and the gym is my dealer.

A thought I had earlier as I was going to town on the elliptical and when time was up decided it wasn't enough, I wanted more. I restarted the timer. My core was burning, my shoulders ached, my whole body hurt so much from the workout the night before at the station I felt a vague sense of nausea and overall feeling like shit. Like the enormous amount of muscle breakdown and rebuilding I had put my body through the night before was releasing toxins into my blood stream. I had been drinking water and detox tea all day to flush out my system, I was using the elliptical to push it out. Whatever it was I was fighting with today. Whatever was really cursing through my veins. I got off the elliptical after 54 minutes only because I began to question whether or not I was working smart. Wondering where that line was at, how much more could I hurt my body today and it not be equivalent to taking a knife to my skin? So, I got on the treadmill and walked, then did yoga. Now here I am, pheeneing. Ready to go back, for more. To the gym. The question then became... Dot, what are running from? What are you trying to ignore? Who cares if you didn't stuff your face, or pick up a bottle... the gym is your drug of choice, going again would constitute a act of avoidance. Avoidance of whatever I was feeling, or not wanting to admit to myself. So, WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?

I don't like not getting what I want. I don't like things NOT going my way, actually, I fucking hate it. I can know in my gut that the way it is happening is best, and STILL be fucking pissed. I can be mad simply because it didn't go the way I wanted and see that it's working out just fine! I thought back to the times in my life when I didn't get what I wanted on how enraged I became and exauhstingly sought out multiple avenues to try and get what I wanted. When I totaled my car, I tried to buy it back as SCRAP so I could then pay out of pocket to have it pieced back together, because it BARELY made the  total loss percentage, and I wanted it to NOT be totaled!!! I kept those keys, and license plate for probably two years. I have a hard time letting go when something doesn't go the way I wanted it to. Because somewhere inside of me I believe there is still SOMETHING I can do to bring about my desired outcome. I believe, "There's nothing I/we can do" is a lame bullshit excuse, a fucking cop out. There's ALWAYS something you can do. Maybe the lesson here for me is, the something I can do is let go. To let it be. To do, nothing. Whether it is true or not, I believe in my head there are very few things I've ever wanted & not gotten. I've said for years the only two things I didn't get as I child that I wanted were an easy bake oven & a tree house. The go kart, trampoline, sandbox, four wheeler, brand new car, the leather jacket I saw and "just had to have" my mother drove over an hour to go get, that day where all mine. I'm spoiled. The reason I have an emotional reaction to being told that is because it's true. If you have an emotional reaction to something, it's because that shit hits you in the fucking core. Because it hurts. It hits a part of you that is obviously there, because it hurts, but you can't see it, so then you're confused. I'm spoiled. I've spent my whole life getting just about everything I want. And when I don't get it, I get pissed. I don't know what to do. Being okay with not getting what I want is not a skill I've had to cultivate! I always get what I want. Typing that I know it's not entirely true, and it's coming straight from a cocky ego. But that's what flew out of my fingers just now. And it's not about the attainment, it's about the pursuit. It's always been about the pursuit. That's why... myself, and many of us, don't always want what it once we get it. Because it's never about what we initially think it's about. 

Acceptance of how, not who, but how we are, our perceived "weaknesses" can be a very positive propelling force. It's not about ridding ourselves of that aspect of our personality. It's about owning it, guiding it, using it to our advantage. It's about not being afraid of it, so when we notice it trickling out into the aspect of our lives where it can cause damage, we tell it to back the fuck off, this isn't where it belongs. Or watch it disappear because it no longer serves a purpose.

My intense dislike for not getting what I want work to my advantage beautifully in attaining goals like nursing school, getting sober, weight loss...tangible, measurable goals. It gives me drive, determination. A fire. But not so much when there are other people involved. It can be too much for them. You cannot make another person do anything. If you think you can you are delusional. They have a choice. Any force from you would be immoral, manipulative, & create so dirty karma. I like balance. In the physical material world, I have a lot of control. I create my life. In the arena of human relationships, where so many invisible forces are involved, I have very little... if any. A beautiful balance. I have control only over myself. My actions, my emotions, & my thoughts. And that control comes with practice. Acceptance is something I have control over, it too is a choice. Life is about choices. Make a fucking choice. I wrote that on the inside cover of my Big Book for Alcoholics Anonymous "Get busy living or get busy dying. Make a choice" and I did. I chose alright, and I am better for it. 

Today I chose to acknowledge aspects of my personality I didn't really want to admit to before. It takes more courage to admit a weakness than it does strength to hide it. I also asked today, what my relationship to my Self was... we aren't even going to go there right now. The only place I'm going, is to the gym....

"I really don't like not getting what I want. Actually, I fucking hate it. I can KNOW I'm better off without it but still be pissed because it didn't go MY way. LMAO. I just wanted to tell somebody that wouldn't judge me..." - My text to a friend about 5 minutes before this blog. His response...

"dot, I am constantly judging you and everyone around me. I will say that you measure up quite well. I am proud of you and how hard you work, and how you think and pay attention." and that is why I work with him.

With Grace & Gratitude...

Endurance Day #1: What Did I learn?

3.1 miles in 38m41s

      That was my run time yesterday. Good, bad, or indifferent... THAT'S where I'm at right now. A little faster than the first time, a little slower than the last time. The voice in my head always seems to be the loudest when my body is struggling to catch it's next breath, basic survival instincts. NOTHING else matters to that voice but stopping to breathe, I have to make it matter.

      I set multiple goals as I run, for various reasons. A practice in strengthening what I see as the weakest aspects of my personality.  Indecision nearly paralyzes me, I think that's true for many of us. I'm forced to make a decision. Running without a goal is just making more work for myself, every second and distance ran without a goal in mind is wasted energy. What's it going towards? Indecision? Procrastination? That's what I'm running towards in that moment, unless I have a goal. A goal also helps me combat that voice inside my head that swears I will die right there on the treadmill if I don't stop this very moment... I've yet to die on a treadmill. And really, I can't think of a single story right now of anyone that has, because the mind quits WAAAAAY before the body does. Its' a fact. I failed to meet my second goal I set for myself yesterday. I quit before I hit the mark I had set. I quit last Thursday with Burkey.... yet both times, I set another goal, almost as punishment, but more so a consequence. A consequence that would make me better next time, not stir up feelings of self-loathing. Both times. Holding myself accountable. I've heard people often say, especially in 12 step recovery groups we should hold each other accountable. HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE. I had that thought as I was running my third goal, and made it. Sprung from a want to text my trainer to tell him I was doing my "endurance day." What the fuck for? After all, this was my training. He wouldn't be standing beside me on the course. And again, what does that action support? What does that energy create more of? Dependence? Looking for outward approval/accountability. I chose to feed integrity.

       Going back to my goal setting as consequences. My first goal was a solid mile without stopping at 6.0. Done. Second goal 0.5mile at 5.5 (I was goal setting AS I was running, that was as far as I had planned lol)....  but I stopped running before I hit my second goal, okay fine. Tired? Couldn't breathe? Wanted to give my heart rate a break? (Please note the sarcasm) Well that's fine, if I'm gonna take a break, it's going to serve a purpose. I couldn't run again until my heart rate was down to 135.  TORTURE. Because that would effect my run time, but force my body & mind to utilize every moment of slowing down. Compromised rest. I couldn't be angry, that would up my heart rate, I had to be patient, because how much control do you REALLY have over lowering your heart rate? Doing this forced me to not focus on the problem but to just breathe, and know the "problem" would resolve itself when I let go. When I reached inward, and found that still and quiet pace... everything else took care of itself. As far as the Oxygen depletion exercise (the workout with Burkey), I will repeat it until I complete it. Someways our bodies need the training more, other days it's our minds. How many sessions do I really want to waste doing the same thing over & over? Owning your emotions. Allowing them to work for you. I have control issues, I'm beginning to think the only reason they are issues is because I allowed the things I COULD control to control me, such as emotions, reactions, thoughts.... those things are within my realm of control. So, because I felt I couldn't control those things I attempted to control other people, situations, etc... things I could not. Thus the irony of the situation; a quagmire of the human condition.

     I've never found anything as fascinating as life itself and the relationship with ourselves. It's like an never ending hole, maybe that's why so many are afraid to jump in. Be honest with yourself, honesty is humbling. I found humility in the question I asked myself last week, "Why do I have no desire to workout in a large group?" The answer I heard first and the loudest was "Because I might find out I'm not as bad ass as I think I am." - WHAT A CAN OF WORMS that answer opened... a blog unto itself. Exploration. Did I really believe that? What was the quieter answer that lay a little deeper? How deep do I want to go? As of that day, that was deep enough for me. As of today, the desire to push myself "THAT" hard is less than it has been..... A moment of clarity: In Yoga they say every pose is brand new. EVERY DAY, EVERY MOMENT is different, because we change moment to moment... nothing is the same, ever. Down to the very cells in our bodies. I create my own suffering through my expectations, comparisons, judgements, expierences, etc.... how about this? How about I just fucking show up and do the work. Back to the basics. That's where you go when who you were is stripped away and it's time to re-build.

Love & Light
Dottie

A Mirror of Self: She's Fat

     The site of her instantaneously makes me curl up my nose and just stare at her. I usually start at her ankles, noticing how tiny her feet look against her humongous legs. She big. Very big. And it's apparent I have issues with her, because she's big. Of course the question is what am I seeing in her that is being reflected back, but that is not the point of this blog. The point is to be entirely honest with myself about how I feel about her, let it go and allow Love and compassion to flow freely. I watch her walk with her cane and think, you have to know the reason you walk with a cane is because you are extremely overweight right? I see a wasted life. I see someone dying before there time. I see an unnecessary struggle to live and function a daily basis. I see the possibility of who I could be without constant self-reflection and fearless facing of my demons. I don't respect her. How could I? I can't stand to be in the same room with her. And when she sits at my nurses station I just want to kick the back of her chair and tell her to move her fat ass. I wonder what she looks like naked, and if her husband even remotely finds her attractive? How could he? Was she always this big? What does he look like? Maybe he's a big fat fucking blob too, then I guess it wouldn't matter, she doesn't see it in herself, he doesn't see it in himself.... a beautiful blinded Love. Bastards. She's married? WTF. What about me? I just wanna rip her wedding ring off her finger, IF I  could get it off. AND it's huge! More karats than I've seen most woman wear. I admit, she's intelligent, and willing to help you with any question. However, shes' got a bit of a smart mouth, and I just look at her like really? REALLY. You want to be smart? Just shut the fuck up, I don't respect you anyhow. I wondered today how difficult it really is for her to take her shoes off. Where she shops. How much extra energy she wastes every single day on the most common and mundane activities. Can she whip her ass? Is it possible? When's the last time she had sex with her husband. What about when she's on her period? I mean, c'mon!!! She has body tissue literally falling all over the place, it's not pretty, it's not convenient, how much denial is this woman in? These already semi-gross aspects of life are multiplied in her case.  My nose is curled right now, disgusted. I'm just absolutely disgusted. I don't like her talking to me. I'd just assume pretend she's not there. I don't want to look at her, talk to her, nothing. I just want to look at her and be like so what's it like to weigh 500 lbs? I've watched you. You can't bend over to pick anything up. You're dependant on people around you. You can't fit in 9/10's of the chairs at our facility, it takes you 10 minutes to get in your car.... I've watched you. I've watched you in utter fear, terrified. Having said a thousand times in my life, "If I ever get that big, please, I beg you... please just shoot me" and I mean it.

The tears are sitting in my eyes already and I haven't even wrote anything. A chill just ran down my body, and my mind is thinking of anything to get me away from this computer. All of a sudden, I'm tired. My body and mind is shutting down, shutting it out. < This is what resistance looks like ladies and gentlemen. The moment I noticed myself staring at her ankles, I prayed. I asked God to free me from the thoughts of judgement I was having against her. I just realized I didn't pray for clarity. I asked to feel only Love and compassion for this woman who was obviously dying inside. I wondered why she hurt so much. I wondered what she really felt inside. I remembered moments of always being the first one to jump up to help her, only to cuss her under my breath. Recognizing I struggle with my own feelings towards her. Going out of my way every chance I get to enable this way of life. I become angry at her for handicapping herself. I recognize that in denying her freedom, I'm denying it to myself. If I look at her and become angry because she represents aspects, or potential aspects of my personality.... there is unforgiveness, there is a lack of love towards myself. And if I can't love myself completely and unconditionally, I am hindered in my spiritual growth. I'm ready to be whole, balanced. I'm on a mission. A mission to live the life God wants me to live and frankly, I'm tired of fucking around. So let's look at it... all of it; the good, the bad, the ugly. Somewhere in the back of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says the best way to get rid of a resentment is to pray for that person, ask God to grant them all the things you'd want for yourself. What does she want? I don't know. But I'm going to pray that she.... I don't even know where to start. Maybe I'm not there yet, but I'm willing; willing to be there whenever I'm ready to be there. I immediately went back to praying for myself, asking God to help me to release anger, help me to see clearly what I need to see, help me feel only love and compassion for her. But why would I want those things? None of that is helping her in anyway. Judgement. I'm full of judgement. A fearless and moral inventory. Yeah, that's where I'm at. There and here...

I recognize some aspect of her weight is reflecting an aspect of me and mine on a subconscious level, this reflection creates a panic inside of me, a fear. "Where ever the mind is not filled with Love, there is a propensity for insanity." All my hateful words and thoughts are really aimed at me. If she's a mirror, everything I say or do, is aimed right back at me. I wish to be free from this judgement and fear. I want to feel only Love when I look at her, when I look at me.

Dear God, please heal this part of me that is irritated when I look at her. I'm willing to release this anger in exchange for Love and peace. What is this teaching me? How can I help bring about the highest level of healing for both of us, for all of us? Amen.

Love & Light
Dottie