"Your not too tired, because you haven't given up, you're still fighting."
I heard that today as I climbed that precor machine with anger, passion, an almost psychotic purpose of... letting go. Angry because I was angry, angry because I didn't know what ot do to NOT feel angry, angry because I didn't have all the answers, angry because I was so angry I couldn't hear myself think. I had 15 minutes, and I was going to make it as painful as possible. I woke up angry, and all I wanted to do was sweat, breathe, and burn... burn whatever it was that was boiling up inside of me. I haven't been able to put the fire out, so I was willing to feed it so it would burn itself out. Is that surrender?
I sat in a circle last night amongst people who conciously choose everyday to connect with something greater than themselves, to understand themselves more. I sat with tears in my eyes and said over and over, "I'm so tired." Tired of working so hard at being a better person everyday. Tired of having to hold it all together. All signs point to letting go and letting God. To release my will, and my tendencies to predict and "have to know" the outcome. I'm resisting. I"m fighting. I'm tired. I've spent my whole life fighting. More times than I can count I've said "I'm a fighter" and I am. But where is the balance?
Where is the balance?
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Granting as Opposed to Teaching
"I asked God to grant me patience, not teach me patience." - Once I realized thats what I had been doing, I asked God to treach me patience, and thought of the old saying about giving a man a fish he eats for a day, teach him to fish he eats for the rest of his life.... I'd like to have patience the rest of my life...
After leaving lunch with Jack I couldn't wait to hit the gym with Burkey, I was ready to have my ass handed to me. I hadn't been pushing myself as hard as I would have liked to, but today I was ready. About an hour before the workout the anger set it in. I was tired, my back hurt, and I did NOT want to work out with Burkey. I meditated. My pinky fingers kept coming apart during the meditation, along with my thumbs shortly following although not as far. THIS is significant. What do the pinky's represent? Because obviously there was a break in that flow. I was patient with myself. I breathed and gracefully brought them back together. I was awaken out of the meditation by a text from Burkey reminding me of our appointment, and off I went, AFTER I did some research on what the pinky finger represents, which of course made perfect sense.
I was ready to go again. I deep yearning to push myself like I hadn't done it a while was there. Burkey said let's do it... six overhead squats in, yes... only six I yelled, "I FUCKING HATE SQUATS!" The look on Burkey's face was priceless, he said OMG, wow... sounded like a demon coming out there, you are gonna hate today then. Aside from the 50 sit ups I done today, EVERYTHING was squat related.
*Whenever we have a strong emotional reaction to something especially when it's some physical activity, it really has nothing to do with the activity. It's us. There is some deeper issue there, ALWAYS.*
After the 20 overhead squats with the empty bar, it was time for my very least favorite squat with barbell and weights, that sits on the front of my shoulders/collar bone and requires a good amount of shoulder, upper back, and wrist flexibility which I don't have much of. I got angry. And when say angery, I was fucking pissed. I had tears in my eyes and watned nothing more than to throw that barbell at that mirror. It hurt, and I wanted to give up. but I was SO SICK of not pushing myself as hard as I could. I was determined to push through without modification because I knew there was a deeper issue. I had to take a few breaks, and got even more livid with each squat, the last one I pretty much threw the barbell on the rack and was like I'm fucking done. I told my trainer if he said I had to do 60 of ANYTHING I would cry. My body was trembling, my heart was racing, I wanted to cry. I was furious. He said okay 50 sit ups. WTF are you fucking kidding me!?!?! I reminded him how the last time I felt like this I had to go get orange juice because my sugar was dropping... he said "sometimes it's mental and emotional don't you think?" Bingo. I do think that. Alot actually, and honestly I was tired of wasting time. Precious time of my two hours a month I have with my trainer, I was gonna do 50 fucking pushups if it killed me.
That was when I looked at him and said, "You're teaching me patience aren't you?" Looking back, I think that statement was way more directed at God, I just happen to say it aloud while looking at Burkey. So in the midst of my rage, yes... it was in rage at that point. I said okay, and I made a decision I was doing 50 situps. One at a time, one breath at a time. I was gonna zen/yoga those bitches right out... after sit up number 2, I burst out laughing. I laughed pretty hard, just dangling there, upside down... laughing. It wasn't until Burkey pointed out my anger, in an instant, was gone.... holy shit. He was right.
The moment I made a decision, took a breath, and totally and utterly surrendered... every once of anger left as quickly as it had come.
What exactly was it that I was battling today? Not sure. Is that important? No. What is important is that I recognized there was anger, it had nothing to do with those squats or Burkey, but me... and I wanted to push through that more than I wanted to hide from whatever pain was surfacing because I know it only hurts for a moment and then I'm free, free to live my life with one less emotional blockage creating chaos and dirtying up my aura. Something was released today. I wonder what other aspects of my life this block was affecting? I don't know... I just know that it's not there anymore, it was beautiful, and I am grateful.
Namaste,
Dottie
After leaving lunch with Jack I couldn't wait to hit the gym with Burkey, I was ready to have my ass handed to me. I hadn't been pushing myself as hard as I would have liked to, but today I was ready. About an hour before the workout the anger set it in. I was tired, my back hurt, and I did NOT want to work out with Burkey. I meditated. My pinky fingers kept coming apart during the meditation, along with my thumbs shortly following although not as far. THIS is significant. What do the pinky's represent? Because obviously there was a break in that flow. I was patient with myself. I breathed and gracefully brought them back together. I was awaken out of the meditation by a text from Burkey reminding me of our appointment, and off I went, AFTER I did some research on what the pinky finger represents, which of course made perfect sense.
I was ready to go again. I deep yearning to push myself like I hadn't done it a while was there. Burkey said let's do it... six overhead squats in, yes... only six I yelled, "I FUCKING HATE SQUATS!" The look on Burkey's face was priceless, he said OMG, wow... sounded like a demon coming out there, you are gonna hate today then. Aside from the 50 sit ups I done today, EVERYTHING was squat related.
*Whenever we have a strong emotional reaction to something especially when it's some physical activity, it really has nothing to do with the activity. It's us. There is some deeper issue there, ALWAYS.*
After the 20 overhead squats with the empty bar, it was time for my very least favorite squat with barbell and weights, that sits on the front of my shoulders/collar bone and requires a good amount of shoulder, upper back, and wrist flexibility which I don't have much of. I got angry. And when say angery, I was fucking pissed. I had tears in my eyes and watned nothing more than to throw that barbell at that mirror. It hurt, and I wanted to give up. but I was SO SICK of not pushing myself as hard as I could. I was determined to push through without modification because I knew there was a deeper issue. I had to take a few breaks, and got even more livid with each squat, the last one I pretty much threw the barbell on the rack and was like I'm fucking done. I told my trainer if he said I had to do 60 of ANYTHING I would cry. My body was trembling, my heart was racing, I wanted to cry. I was furious. He said okay 50 sit ups. WTF are you fucking kidding me!?!?! I reminded him how the last time I felt like this I had to go get orange juice because my sugar was dropping... he said "sometimes it's mental and emotional don't you think?" Bingo. I do think that. Alot actually, and honestly I was tired of wasting time. Precious time of my two hours a month I have with my trainer, I was gonna do 50 fucking pushups if it killed me.
That was when I looked at him and said, "You're teaching me patience aren't you?" Looking back, I think that statement was way more directed at God, I just happen to say it aloud while looking at Burkey. So in the midst of my rage, yes... it was in rage at that point. I said okay, and I made a decision I was doing 50 situps. One at a time, one breath at a time. I was gonna zen/yoga those bitches right out... after sit up number 2, I burst out laughing. I laughed pretty hard, just dangling there, upside down... laughing. It wasn't until Burkey pointed out my anger, in an instant, was gone.... holy shit. He was right.
The moment I made a decision, took a breath, and totally and utterly surrendered... every once of anger left as quickly as it had come.
What exactly was it that I was battling today? Not sure. Is that important? No. What is important is that I recognized there was anger, it had nothing to do with those squats or Burkey, but me... and I wanted to push through that more than I wanted to hide from whatever pain was surfacing because I know it only hurts for a moment and then I'm free, free to live my life with one less emotional blockage creating chaos and dirtying up my aura. Something was released today. I wonder what other aspects of my life this block was affecting? I don't know... I just know that it's not there anymore, it was beautiful, and I am grateful.
Namaste,
Dottie
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Pain & Change
"When the pain is great enough, you will change."
A belief that has carried me over many obstacles in the last couple of years. Today, something shifted. I haven't ran in a week, I had lost my desire to run. It's the week I bump up to running 5 min solid, and have no desire to do that. Can I do it physically? Yes, I've done it before. All that kept running through my head is how boring it is going ot be to run for 5 minutes, and yes granted at about 3.5 minutes are start thinking how much this is really starting to suck.... but for the most part I keep thinking this is boring I don't want to run for 5 minutes. So I asked myself if it was just the running I didn't want to do or running for the five minutes... it was just the five minutes, I really wanted to run.
So, I ran, I ran two minute intervals for 20 min at a little bit faster past because I like runnin fast... and I felt amazing. It was easy. I can very comfortable run that. As I was asking myself what was going on with me, what where my feelings? My thoughts? Any fears? Any expecations? Were they reasonable expectations or was my sometimes over-acheiving nature begninning to play a part, It was none of that. I saw myself in the circuit training class a few days before where I wasn't pushing myself as hard as I used to. Once the physical pain became too uncomfortable I stopped, I didn't see the point in continuing that particular cycle.
I have lost the desire to push myself outside of my comfort zone because there is no more pain. I am content. The pain of where I am no longer supercedes the pain it will take to get to where I'm going.
My sense of I hurt so bad emotionally, physically, spiritually, I am willing to near kill myself to make this change... is gone. I'm no longer a broken, shattered mess that is feverishly searching for a way out of where I am. I've embraced where I am. I have become whole. Pain has always been my biggest movitvator my entire life. Pain has drove me to the darkest depths of my darkest days, and then turned right around and brought me to a place of utter joy, serenity, and peace.
I sat in the gym this morning and laughed. I was grateful for the pain and for the freedom. I was grateful for everything I had been through and been given... and then wondered if there is no more pain, what will be my biggest motivator? If I seek pain, I would find it. But why would I do that? To begin another vicious cycle? No worries, I won't be seeking pain. If I were to seek out pain, simply to motivate myself I would simply be using my old self-destructive tendencies... as someone once told me "You were everything you've been through like a badge of honor, what are you gonna put yourself through next? When are you going to stop?" Right now. (Well, Right then actually) There was a shift. I've known nothing but struggle my entire life. Facing a demon, only to fight it. I don't have to fight anymore. I've chosen to not suffer. Those words spoken to me those few months ago reverberated through my being into eternity. A change occured, instantaneously.
So what now? Continue to enjoy where I am. Give my body what it needs, my inner child what it wants, and my God my life while remembering only the lessons and the Love, and keeping it moving. All within a beautiful balance. Letting go, and breathing... always. Honoring myself and others. A psychic told me about 2 and half years ago as I grew spiritually, the weight would literally fall off, hmph. I went back to that moment just now and smiled. It's neat how I can look back on THAT moment while seeing this one, but couldn't see this moment, while being in that one...
Love & Light
Dottie
A belief that has carried me over many obstacles in the last couple of years. Today, something shifted. I haven't ran in a week, I had lost my desire to run. It's the week I bump up to running 5 min solid, and have no desire to do that. Can I do it physically? Yes, I've done it before. All that kept running through my head is how boring it is going ot be to run for 5 minutes, and yes granted at about 3.5 minutes are start thinking how much this is really starting to suck.... but for the most part I keep thinking this is boring I don't want to run for 5 minutes. So I asked myself if it was just the running I didn't want to do or running for the five minutes... it was just the five minutes, I really wanted to run.
So, I ran, I ran two minute intervals for 20 min at a little bit faster past because I like runnin fast... and I felt amazing. It was easy. I can very comfortable run that. As I was asking myself what was going on with me, what where my feelings? My thoughts? Any fears? Any expecations? Were they reasonable expectations or was my sometimes over-acheiving nature begninning to play a part, It was none of that. I saw myself in the circuit training class a few days before where I wasn't pushing myself as hard as I used to. Once the physical pain became too uncomfortable I stopped, I didn't see the point in continuing that particular cycle.
I have lost the desire to push myself outside of my comfort zone because there is no more pain. I am content. The pain of where I am no longer supercedes the pain it will take to get to where I'm going.
My sense of I hurt so bad emotionally, physically, spiritually, I am willing to near kill myself to make this change... is gone. I'm no longer a broken, shattered mess that is feverishly searching for a way out of where I am. I've embraced where I am. I have become whole. Pain has always been my biggest movitvator my entire life. Pain has drove me to the darkest depths of my darkest days, and then turned right around and brought me to a place of utter joy, serenity, and peace.
I sat in the gym this morning and laughed. I was grateful for the pain and for the freedom. I was grateful for everything I had been through and been given... and then wondered if there is no more pain, what will be my biggest motivator? If I seek pain, I would find it. But why would I do that? To begin another vicious cycle? No worries, I won't be seeking pain. If I were to seek out pain, simply to motivate myself I would simply be using my old self-destructive tendencies... as someone once told me "You were everything you've been through like a badge of honor, what are you gonna put yourself through next? When are you going to stop?" Right now. (Well, Right then actually) There was a shift. I've known nothing but struggle my entire life. Facing a demon, only to fight it. I don't have to fight anymore. I've chosen to not suffer. Those words spoken to me those few months ago reverberated through my being into eternity. A change occured, instantaneously.
So what now? Continue to enjoy where I am. Give my body what it needs, my inner child what it wants, and my God my life while remembering only the lessons and the Love, and keeping it moving. All within a beautiful balance. Letting go, and breathing... always. Honoring myself and others. A psychic told me about 2 and half years ago as I grew spiritually, the weight would literally fall off, hmph. I went back to that moment just now and smiled. It's neat how I can look back on THAT moment while seeing this one, but couldn't see this moment, while being in that one...
Love & Light
Dottie
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Still Some Anger
Still some anger... holding steady at -54 lbs
Not real sure where to start. I guess anywhere is good. There is still anger, although not as much. In yoga today I found myself struggling between pushing myself farther and staying within that "sweet discomfort." Last couple days I've been feeling that some of my anger is coming from denial. While it's healthy to have an attitude of my weight cannot hold me back from anything I want to do, it is also healthy to accept that RIGHT NOW there are some things I cannot do because of my weight., and that's also been the case in the past. I get so angry when anyone offers me props during yoga or modifications. Today the instructor gently laid a bolster in front of me making it available and said, "If you would like to use a bolster feel free to do so." I wanted to sling it across the room, then beat her with it when I came out of the pose. Acceptance. I've maintained a steady weightloss of 54 lbs for over 2 months now. I gently remind myself, it will come off in God's time, when I'm ready to deal with whatever is hiding under this part of my journey. However, this doesn't stop me from putting forth my effort! lol I'm so grateful to have not gained any weight throughout the holidays which was my goal. SO, anyways... back to my part, I'm back to logging everything I eat. I think what will help me the most is that completed log button at the bottom of the page when it says "If every day were like today..." It either gives me inspiration to do as I did THAT day, or not be so hard on myself because even on my "Bad" days, it's not as bad as I think it is. One day, or two for that matter, is not gonna make me stack back on 5 lbs... it's pretty much physically impossible.
So with that being said.... I still don't feel like I hit any core issues, whatever. I'm ready to start loosing again. My mind has caught up with my body now, and it's time to keep moving....
Love & Light
Dottie
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
A Moment of Pure and Utter Unconditional Love of Self
I have never loved myself as much as I did today. There was a moment of total and complete love of myself. A moment of unconditional love. Where I just wanted to hug myself and bask within my own being. Loving me fully, totally.... good, bad, indifferent. I fell in love with myself today. So hard it brought tears to my eyes. That moment is unexpressable in words, but I wanted to recognize that moment, and give my deepest gratitude. :)
Namaste
Namaste
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Pounds of Anger
This morning my very first thoughts were about food. I've spent the last 2 days eating ridiculously, and there was a tinge of fear today hoping I could eat better. Today is my day to weigh myself at the gym. I weigh about once every week, and honestly I'm a bit apprehensive. I been hovering around 265 lbs for about 5 weeks or so. I'm a little frustrated, a little fearful, and ........ not sure. lol
I firmly believe the weight I carry on my physical body is a result of some emotional pain, an manifestation of my fears, my pain, and my attempts and making it hurt less, whatever itwas. So as I continue to loose weight, I watch different things surface, different memories, different feelings, and I just allow them to surface and ask God to take them. I don't need them anymore, and they no longer serve me. Lately it's been anger. ALOT, of anger. In years past I expressed my anger through physically hurting myself or others, I don't do that anymore. I bottled up the anger, I "swollwed it and held onto it".... and slowly began to "weighing me down" We really have no idea how true some of these sayings are that we say so often ;) Just listen to yourself. I just heard "meditate through the pain"... I like to meditate. My best friend the other day brought up an interesting poing.... it's like once the anger or pain hit my throat chakra (the space of voice, takling, expressing emotions etc) My physical body would literally hyperventilate and pass out.... so I stopped allowing it to get ot that poin because I didn't want to pass out. I have to open that pathway again, to allow the anger to surface from gut where it usually starts, to heart, throat, third eye, and crown.... thus allowing God to remove it. Interesting. It all made perfect sense to me. I'm going to do that now actually......
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Passion
What am I passionate about at this point in my life, right now?
I asked myself that question yesterday as I walked, because those passions have changed. I am passionate about connecting mind, body, and spirit. About attaining goals, and helping others do the same. I'm passionate about overcoming obstacles, and being a better person today than I was the day before. Yoga, I'm passionate about yoga, loosing weight, and being healthy. About having the inside match the outside, and allowing fear to be merely a motivator for postitive change and nothing else. I'm becoming an observer of life, of people. I'm passionate about living a life of balance free of addictive behaviors. I'm passionate about cultivating an awareness that supercedes all that I've ever known. That just is, without explanation, and actually posses an elusiveness which makes it almost impossible to label, describe, or validate. Simplicity.
I like simplicity. Maybe because I don't allow much of it into my life, lol. :) I'm okay with that.
I also thought yesterday about doing things to elminate fear. Like truly always doing my best, and everything that is expected of me say at my job or in school.... and it will eliminate much anxiety and fear.
Well, I think I got out all I needed too.... I'm going to study at bit now :)
Namaste
I asked myself that question yesterday as I walked, because those passions have changed. I am passionate about connecting mind, body, and spirit. About attaining goals, and helping others do the same. I'm passionate about overcoming obstacles, and being a better person today than I was the day before. Yoga, I'm passionate about yoga, loosing weight, and being healthy. About having the inside match the outside, and allowing fear to be merely a motivator for postitive change and nothing else. I'm becoming an observer of life, of people. I'm passionate about living a life of balance free of addictive behaviors. I'm passionate about cultivating an awareness that supercedes all that I've ever known. That just is, without explanation, and actually posses an elusiveness which makes it almost impossible to label, describe, or validate. Simplicity.
I like simplicity. Maybe because I don't allow much of it into my life, lol. :) I'm okay with that.
I also thought yesterday about doing things to elminate fear. Like truly always doing my best, and everything that is expected of me say at my job or in school.... and it will eliminate much anxiety and fear.
Well, I think I got out all I needed too.... I'm going to study at bit now :)
Namaste
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