3.1 miles in 38m41s
That was my run time yesterday. Good, bad, or indifferent... THAT'S where I'm at right now. A little faster than the first time, a little slower than the last time. The voice in my head always seems to be the loudest when my body is struggling to catch it's next breath, basic survival instincts. NOTHING else matters to that voice but stopping to breathe, I have to make it matter.
I set multiple goals as I run, for various reasons. A practice in strengthening what I see as the weakest aspects of my personality. Indecision nearly paralyzes me, I think that's true for many of us. I'm forced to make a decision. Running without a goal is just making more work for myself, every second and distance ran without a goal in mind is wasted energy. What's it going towards? Indecision? Procrastination? That's what I'm running towards in that moment, unless I have a goal. A goal also helps me combat that voice inside my head that swears I will die right there on the treadmill if I don't stop this very moment... I've yet to die on a treadmill. And really, I can't think of a single story right now of anyone that has, because the mind quits WAAAAAY before the body does. Its' a fact. I failed to meet my second goal I set for myself yesterday. I quit before I hit the mark I had set. I quit last Thursday with Burkey.... yet both times, I set another goal, almost as punishment, but more so a consequence. A consequence that would make me better next time, not stir up feelings of self-loathing. Both times. Holding myself accountable. I've heard people often say, especially in 12 step recovery groups we should hold each other accountable. HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE. I had that thought as I was running my third goal, and made it. Sprung from a want to text my trainer to tell him I was doing my "endurance day." What the fuck for? After all, this was my training. He wouldn't be standing beside me on the course. And again, what does that action support? What does that energy create more of? Dependence? Looking for outward approval/accountability. I chose to feed integrity.
Going back to my goal setting as consequences. My first goal was a solid mile without stopping at 6.0. Done. Second goal 0.5mile at 5.5 (I was goal setting AS I was running, that was as far as I had planned lol).... but I stopped running before I hit my second goal, okay fine. Tired? Couldn't breathe? Wanted to give my heart rate a break? (Please note the sarcasm) Well that's fine, if I'm gonna take a break, it's going to serve a purpose. I couldn't run again until my heart rate was down to 135. TORTURE. Because that would effect my run time, but force my body & mind to utilize every moment of slowing down. Compromised rest. I couldn't be angry, that would up my heart rate, I had to be patient, because how much control do you REALLY have over lowering your heart rate? Doing this forced me to not focus on the problem but to just breathe, and know the "problem" would resolve itself when I let go. When I reached inward, and found that still and quiet pace... everything else took care of itself. As far as the Oxygen depletion exercise (the workout with Burkey), I will repeat it until I complete it. Someways our bodies need the training more, other days it's our minds. How many sessions do I really want to waste doing the same thing over & over? Owning your emotions. Allowing them to work for you. I have control issues, I'm beginning to think the only reason they are issues is because I allowed the things I COULD control to control me, such as emotions, reactions, thoughts.... those things are within my realm of control. So, because I felt I couldn't control those things I attempted to control other people, situations, etc... things I could not. Thus the irony of the situation; a quagmire of the human condition.
I've never found anything as fascinating as life itself and the relationship with ourselves. It's like an never ending hole, maybe that's why so many are afraid to jump in. Be honest with yourself, honesty is humbling. I found humility in the question I asked myself last week, "Why do I have no desire to workout in a large group?" The answer I heard first and the loudest was "Because I might find out I'm not as bad ass as I think I am." - WHAT A CAN OF WORMS that answer opened... a blog unto itself. Exploration. Did I really believe that? What was the quieter answer that lay a little deeper? How deep do I want to go? As of that day, that was deep enough for me. As of today, the desire to push myself "THAT" hard is less than it has been..... A moment of clarity: In Yoga they say every pose is brand new. EVERY DAY, EVERY MOMENT is different, because we change moment to moment... nothing is the same, ever. Down to the very cells in our bodies. I create my own suffering through my expectations, comparisons, judgements, expierences, etc.... how about this? How about I just fucking show up and do the work. Back to the basics. That's where you go when who you were is stripped away and it's time to re-build.
Love & Light
Dottie
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Tough Mudder & Burning Up My Ego
#7 on the top 10 ways to train for the tough mudder: "Eating glass while wrestling giraffes to the ground..."
A month ago I decided I was going to tackle this 10-12 miles of 27 obstacles next fall, approximately a year from now. It's goal, "to test all around strength, stamina, mental grit, and camaraderie." My goal, to give myself a focal point, a reason to keep digging, an outline, a tool to know myself better.
Last week I put a training schedule together for the next couple months, with periodic re-evaluations and amping up inevitably. But right now here's where I'm at:
- 1 endurance day a week at a minimum of 3.1 miles. (Preferably running, but if I can't talk myself into it that's fine I can precor or elliptical, but at a minimum of 5 miles because I'm fairly certain there are no precors or ellipticals on the course)
- 2 flexibility days. (One regular stretching yoga and one yin)
- 1 weight training with Burkey.
- 4-6 cardio's a week
This gives me some organization. A balance. Me being the Libra, yogi, and Buddhist following person I am, balance is of utmost importance. There's an unseen force intricately and beautifully woven into balance. The masculine aspects of weight lifting balanced with the femininity of yoga. The long drawn out aspects of maintaining something for a long period of time balanced with the short outbursts of 30 min cardio. On a grandeur scale, this is the balance of my life. The physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. NOTHING brings you into the moment like physical pain, or like feeling like you may or may not catch your next breath.... and nothing puts in you in reflection like hard earned endorphins pulsating through your body. My ego thrives on this shit, I know that but that's okay for right now. It's exactly what I need to push me. To give me just enough stubborness to not give up, just enough confidence to not allow what others think of my training to make me afraid to do it.... just enough of everything I need to make the changes I need to make, allowing me to better serve a bigger purpose. ALL of it is essential. It had no beginning and will hve no end. We cause our own suffering, our ego causes our suffering . I read the other day that "Suffering has a noble purpose: the evolution of consciousness and the burning up of the ego." There's definately truth in that. Maybe that's what's happening right now...the burning up of my unhealthy ego. Because I feel that burn, figuratively & literally. There is a fire inside of me that I'm just not afraid of anymore. I find comfort in knowing that it all serves a purpose and will burn itself out when that purpose is served. I've realized lately, my ego is huge. I really thought I had a handle on it. That I was aware enough at this point in my life to know 98% of the time when it was enacted. I was wrong. Good thing awareness & willingness is all it takes to allow something to be changed.
Love & Light
Dottie
A month ago I decided I was going to tackle this 10-12 miles of 27 obstacles next fall, approximately a year from now. It's goal, "to test all around strength, stamina, mental grit, and camaraderie." My goal, to give myself a focal point, a reason to keep digging, an outline, a tool to know myself better.
Last week I put a training schedule together for the next couple months, with periodic re-evaluations and amping up inevitably. But right now here's where I'm at:
- 1 endurance day a week at a minimum of 3.1 miles. (Preferably running, but if I can't talk myself into it that's fine I can precor or elliptical, but at a minimum of 5 miles because I'm fairly certain there are no precors or ellipticals on the course)
- 2 flexibility days. (One regular stretching yoga and one yin)
- 1 weight training with Burkey.
- 4-6 cardio's a week
This gives me some organization. A balance. Me being the Libra, yogi, and Buddhist following person I am, balance is of utmost importance. There's an unseen force intricately and beautifully woven into balance. The masculine aspects of weight lifting balanced with the femininity of yoga. The long drawn out aspects of maintaining something for a long period of time balanced with the short outbursts of 30 min cardio. On a grandeur scale, this is the balance of my life. The physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. NOTHING brings you into the moment like physical pain, or like feeling like you may or may not catch your next breath.... and nothing puts in you in reflection like hard earned endorphins pulsating through your body. My ego thrives on this shit, I know that but that's okay for right now. It's exactly what I need to push me. To give me just enough stubborness to not give up, just enough confidence to not allow what others think of my training to make me afraid to do it.... just enough of everything I need to make the changes I need to make, allowing me to better serve a bigger purpose. ALL of it is essential. It had no beginning and will hve no end. We cause our own suffering, our ego causes our suffering . I read the other day that "Suffering has a noble purpose: the evolution of consciousness and the burning up of the ego." There's definately truth in that. Maybe that's what's happening right now...the burning up of my unhealthy ego. Because I feel that burn, figuratively & literally. There is a fire inside of me that I'm just not afraid of anymore. I find comfort in knowing that it all serves a purpose and will burn itself out when that purpose is served. I've realized lately, my ego is huge. I really thought I had a handle on it. That I was aware enough at this point in my life to know 98% of the time when it was enacted. I was wrong. Good thing awareness & willingness is all it takes to allow something to be changed.
Love & Light
Dottie
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Living My Yoga
"It's not about how good you can do the pose, it's about what you discover about yourself in the pose."
Yoga has been one of my greatest teachers, because it simply brings you inward, back to your true nature; below the mindless chatter, the emotional turmoil, & beyond your perceived physical limitations. In one of my least favorite poses which has most often induced an IMMEDIATE emotional response of "I fucking HATE THIS POSE!" Followed by thoughts of, "This is good for me, it will help me grow, just breath into it." About 15 seconds before the teacher said to come out of it... I was DONE. I had decided it was too uncomforable, I didn't care how good it was for me, I was fucking DONE. I STILL hate this pose and *I* can come out of it anytime I want! ... and then, the flood gates of awareness opened up...
In situations that I do not want, or are not ideal according to me, I will do them momentarily, then retreat in a childlike fashion when I realize it's not what I want and nothing I'm doing is bringing about what I want. I'll go into situations, especially with relationships, with a willingness and knowing that if it weren't what I needed, I wouldn't be experiencing it. Feelings of : It's a learning process, and I'm ready for whatever it brings. Intially...
"What are you so afraid of?" - Not getting what I want, it not being what I want it to be. I've said for a long time there are only two things in life I've ever wanted and not gotten, an easy bake oven, and a treehouse. Funny how both of those are child toys right? How about this... I never got my canary yellow mustang, I never got first chair at honor band, I never got my own tuba, and I never got to be the pitcher. My eighth grade class didn't get to go to Washington D.C. and I never got to be Tyler Gillam's girlfriend. I didn't get to go to Vanderbilt university to study medicine, nor did I end up graduated, married, and having my first child by 25. But SOMETHING would be different, probably something HUGE, had I gotten some of those things. I wouldn't be who I am right now. It's that feeling of things being taken away that drives me nuts. Makes me almost neurotic trying to figure out what happened, and what I can do to get it back. Because GOD FORBID something happen beyond my control.
"You can't always get what you want." - When Billie told me that around 6 months ago, I was appalled. But I knew there was truth in that. And now, it's finally hit where it needed to hit. I've felt the cycle in my relationships I kept repeating was always falling in love with someone who couldn't or didn't want to be with me for some reason or another. And although yes, there is some truth to that... THAT in and of itself was not the lesson. The deeper issue, the piece I've been missing, is that it's not always going to be what I want, it's not about what I want. It's about what both of us need. The cycle I've been repeating was retreating in a childlike fashion; allowing what needed to happen for as long as I could, because really, I valued my wants over my needs, which in turn made me value my wants over the wants & needs of others. Thus igniting my selfish tendencies... holy fuck that statement took my breathe away, here's the tears. What a disheartening & humbling realization. So when I absolutely cannot lie to myself anymore, that I have moments of feeling my wants are more important than the needs of myself or others, I retreat. I stop everything. That's why I always feel like I'm doing it to myself. That's why I blame myself, why I feel so fucked in the head, so confused, and why I try SO hard for others to see me as not selfish. Because that's a pretty selfish action.
The lesson here, which I learned on my yoga mat today is this moment, may not be what I want, but it's exactly what I need and when it intricately involves another person, it's exactly what THEY need as well. Retreating, childlike or not, will only bring me ANOTHER opportunity to experience a similar moment. Thus the cycle. I've retreated, without fail, every time, and really thought the issue was the entrance, "Why did I get into this AGAIN?!"... nope it was the exit I was getting wrong. My exit. It's about letting it play itself out; about fully experiencing it, whatever it has to offer, until it offers no more. Then there is no need for any kind of exit, because there was never an entrance, there was never a beginning, so no ending is needed. It's like the wind, or falling asleep. The exact moment it begins or ends cannot be determined, it seems to come from nowhere and go back to nowhere.
We don't want what we have, not for very long anyways. It gets boring, we want something different. But we don't want to want something different! We want to want what we have right? Isn't that what they say, want what you have? When the flow stops our deepest selves yearn for something different to get the flow going again. If the flow stops, we die, parts of us die. It is imperative to keep moving. And this can be as painful or as beautiful as decide it to be.
As long as this blog already is, I'm hesitant to add anymore. Yet, I can't help but to think about the phrases I've heard in the last week or so, that have resonated with me. Those phrases that seem to all find there place this morning on my yoga mat. All from people very close to my heart. "It's always about what you are or aren't getting out of our connection." "Let it be what it is" (from 3 different sources), "You can't always get what you want." I knew there was truth in each of those, the moment they were said, I just didn't know what to do with them at the time. And the ironic thing is, last night I decided to not do anything.
The most beautiful thing about awareness, is that it cannot be un-learned and makes it so much more difficult to repeat a behavior which as caused you suffering.
Love & Light
Dottie
Yoga has been one of my greatest teachers, because it simply brings you inward, back to your true nature; below the mindless chatter, the emotional turmoil, & beyond your perceived physical limitations. In one of my least favorite poses which has most often induced an IMMEDIATE emotional response of "I fucking HATE THIS POSE!" Followed by thoughts of, "This is good for me, it will help me grow, just breath into it." About 15 seconds before the teacher said to come out of it... I was DONE. I had decided it was too uncomforable, I didn't care how good it was for me, I was fucking DONE. I STILL hate this pose and *I* can come out of it anytime I want! ... and then, the flood gates of awareness opened up...
In situations that I do not want, or are not ideal according to me, I will do them momentarily, then retreat in a childlike fashion when I realize it's not what I want and nothing I'm doing is bringing about what I want. I'll go into situations, especially with relationships, with a willingness and knowing that if it weren't what I needed, I wouldn't be experiencing it. Feelings of : It's a learning process, and I'm ready for whatever it brings. Intially...
"What are you so afraid of?" - Not getting what I want, it not being what I want it to be. I've said for a long time there are only two things in life I've ever wanted and not gotten, an easy bake oven, and a treehouse. Funny how both of those are child toys right? How about this... I never got my canary yellow mustang, I never got first chair at honor band, I never got my own tuba, and I never got to be the pitcher. My eighth grade class didn't get to go to Washington D.C. and I never got to be Tyler Gillam's girlfriend. I didn't get to go to Vanderbilt university to study medicine, nor did I end up graduated, married, and having my first child by 25. But SOMETHING would be different, probably something HUGE, had I gotten some of those things. I wouldn't be who I am right now. It's that feeling of things being taken away that drives me nuts. Makes me almost neurotic trying to figure out what happened, and what I can do to get it back. Because GOD FORBID something happen beyond my control.
"You can't always get what you want." - When Billie told me that around 6 months ago, I was appalled. But I knew there was truth in that. And now, it's finally hit where it needed to hit. I've felt the cycle in my relationships I kept repeating was always falling in love with someone who couldn't or didn't want to be with me for some reason or another. And although yes, there is some truth to that... THAT in and of itself was not the lesson. The deeper issue, the piece I've been missing, is that it's not always going to be what I want, it's not about what I want. It's about what both of us need. The cycle I've been repeating was retreating in a childlike fashion; allowing what needed to happen for as long as I could, because really, I valued my wants over my needs, which in turn made me value my wants over the wants & needs of others. Thus igniting my selfish tendencies... holy fuck that statement took my breathe away, here's the tears. What a disheartening & humbling realization. So when I absolutely cannot lie to myself anymore, that I have moments of feeling my wants are more important than the needs of myself or others, I retreat. I stop everything. That's why I always feel like I'm doing it to myself. That's why I blame myself, why I feel so fucked in the head, so confused, and why I try SO hard for others to see me as not selfish. Because that's a pretty selfish action.
The lesson here, which I learned on my yoga mat today is this moment, may not be what I want, but it's exactly what I need and when it intricately involves another person, it's exactly what THEY need as well. Retreating, childlike or not, will only bring me ANOTHER opportunity to experience a similar moment. Thus the cycle. I've retreated, without fail, every time, and really thought the issue was the entrance, "Why did I get into this AGAIN?!"... nope it was the exit I was getting wrong. My exit. It's about letting it play itself out; about fully experiencing it, whatever it has to offer, until it offers no more. Then there is no need for any kind of exit, because there was never an entrance, there was never a beginning, so no ending is needed. It's like the wind, or falling asleep. The exact moment it begins or ends cannot be determined, it seems to come from nowhere and go back to nowhere.
We don't want what we have, not for very long anyways. It gets boring, we want something different. But we don't want to want something different! We want to want what we have right? Isn't that what they say, want what you have? When the flow stops our deepest selves yearn for something different to get the flow going again. If the flow stops, we die, parts of us die. It is imperative to keep moving. And this can be as painful or as beautiful as decide it to be.
As long as this blog already is, I'm hesitant to add anymore. Yet, I can't help but to think about the phrases I've heard in the last week or so, that have resonated with me. Those phrases that seem to all find there place this morning on my yoga mat. All from people very close to my heart. "It's always about what you are or aren't getting out of our connection." "Let it be what it is" (from 3 different sources), "You can't always get what you want." I knew there was truth in each of those, the moment they were said, I just didn't know what to do with them at the time. And the ironic thing is, last night I decided to not do anything.
The most beautiful thing about awareness, is that it cannot be un-learned and makes it so much more difficult to repeat a behavior which as caused you suffering.
Love & Light
Dottie
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Beliefs About Pain
"What is my belief about pain? What do I correlate pain with?
With ice on my ankle & apple in hand I asked myself this question, "What do I correlate pain with?" I do not shy away from pain. Those who know me would probably say I welcome it, I embrace it almost too much. So, what is my belief about pain that makes me so okay with experiencing it? Simple. Pain = strength, getting stronger, growth. Pain makes me stronger, on all levels. No painful experience has allowed me to come out unchanged. Even if crippling, it is temporary at best. My ankle hurts - I just ran 3.1 miles to the best of my ability today. What does this pain tell me? Not that I cannot do 3.1 miles, but that NEXT time my ankle will be better able to withstand that 3.1 miles. It's getting stronger.
"Whether it's true or not, what we believe to be true is what really matters."
Love & Light
Dottie
With ice on my ankle & apple in hand I asked myself this question, "What do I correlate pain with?" I do not shy away from pain. Those who know me would probably say I welcome it, I embrace it almost too much. So, what is my belief about pain that makes me so okay with experiencing it? Simple. Pain = strength, getting stronger, growth. Pain makes me stronger, on all levels. No painful experience has allowed me to come out unchanged. Even if crippling, it is temporary at best. My ankle hurts - I just ran 3.1 miles to the best of my ability today. What does this pain tell me? Not that I cannot do 3.1 miles, but that NEXT time my ankle will be better able to withstand that 3.1 miles. It's getting stronger.
"Whether it's true or not, what we believe to be true is what really matters."
Love & Light
Dottie
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Pain & Suffering
I awoke about 45min ago, and laid there. Maybe it was the pain. The soreness had begun to set in. I hurt from armpit to armpit. I smiled, and turned over. I couldn't go back to sleep though. I thought of the gym & running. I reflected upon the workout with Burkey the day before & conversations with a new friend. People who share in, what I perceive to be a very unique outlook on fitness, I don't even want to call it fitness. But what the hell else would I call it? So, here I am, 5:44am. I kept hearing myself ask the question, "What do I want?" & the answer was always, "More." It made me nervous. A typical addict statement. More. More is never enough. I relentless pursuit of that which will never satiate. I spent almost two hours at the gym yesterday. Training for an hour, then decided it wasn't enough so I hoped on the treadmill & ran. I came home and showered only to find myself wanting a "leisurely barefooted walk" about 3 hours later, which turned into a barefooted run. When I woke up this morning, all I thought about was bench pressing. Yesterday was the first time we did real bench pressing stuff and several times I wasn't sure if I was gonna get that bar up, and told Burkey through gritted teeth not to touch it. A "safety net" if you will, somehow has a way of making people not push themselves as hard as they could. Fuck that safety net, I didn't want him to touch my bar. I was going to get it up. Believe it or not, weight lifting is never an isolated muscle exercise, if it is your doing it wrong & cheating yourself. I did fail at getting that weight up at least 3 times. I wanted to push myself into & through failure. The thing that finally got that bar up had nothing to do with strength, but a change in my breathing. It made all the difference. Utilization of the energetic life force. A deep breathe along with a pause as I held the bar above my chest, holding the breath on the way down, and breathing out while pushing the weight away from my body. Where I had failed to get it up even a second time, I got it up three times. And I laughed. A joy. I loved it. As if I was pushing back against every emotion that had pushed on me for the last 10 years. It was payback. I fought back against whatever it was that had so often fueled those days & nights of self-destruction. Breathing & pushing that hard make you go places inside yourself you haven't been in years. I don't mind going there these days, in fact I welcome it. I've built a positive relationship with pain & suffering... in that way, in eradicates itself. If the relationship is positive, and I find joy within it; then where is the pain & suffering?
Love & Light
Dottie
Love & Light
Dottie
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Growing Passion
"There are few things I enjoy more than training hard."
- My thought Monday after working out with Burkey. As if I had been denying that fact, ashamed of what people would think if they knew how much I really loved to put my body through rigorous physical training... dammit I can't find the quote but something along the line of a drive to push one's self which borders on psychosis. < I've been there. We laugh joking about how sick we are & how much we love it. There have been surreal moments this week. Surprised by what I could do and was doing. Secretly admiring the blood blisters on my hands, and bruises on my shins... that bar has no empathy. Smiling with every sore movement of my body for days afterward. My hidden pride, knowing what I can do in that that station, wanting only more. To push more, to lift more, to see what kind of internal dialogue pops up after holding a 15ft slosh pipe over your head for 3 min slowly loosing feeling in your arms becoming aware of the phantom sensation of water trickling down my forearms. What is said in my head, says a lot about me... and I want to know what that is. People watch, and you breathe. Because there comes a point when it takes all you have to simply do that, just breathe. Speaking of watching, that's what I'm doing. Watching a passion for training grow inside me like my passion for personal growth, which I guess they could go hand in hand. Inspired by those who train on a level many would consider "crazy"... yet I see it as honesty, willingness, & humility. I see it as part of an intricate matrix of who I am. Physical, mental, & spiritual. Allegory. A word I didn't even know the meaning to until a few days ago, unaware I didn't know the meaning until a comment was made standing outside Anytime Fitness holding my station 515 shirt. I wasn't gonna wear that shirt until I knew wtf allegory meant, lol. Powerful. Strong. Humble. Scared. Courageous. Willing. Proud. Honest.... just a a few of the things I feel when I drop that bar, scream out because it hurts, or express how much I FUCKING HATE whatever I'm about to do, but do it anyway. What am I passionate about? A question I ask myself from time to time. I'm passionate about personal growth on all levels. Allowing the physical, mental, & spiritual to dance within a beautiful balance of every feeling, emotion, & action or non-action. I'm passionate about being as tough as I am delicate, as feminine as I am masculine, & as healed as I was broken. Reminding myself of the importance of rest with drive. Inspired. Passionately inspired. I love this shit. I want more, like any good addict, I want more. But today, that which I pursue leads me down a path of self-discovery. "Know they self." I'm no longer afraid of who I am. When you have consciously & willingly exposed yourself to pain your threshold increases. What is there to fear, if you've already experienced more pain that what is coming? Whether it by choice or chance? Once you've been there, your less afraid to go back. So go first willingly. Allegory.
Love & Light
Dottie
- My thought Monday after working out with Burkey. As if I had been denying that fact, ashamed of what people would think if they knew how much I really loved to put my body through rigorous physical training... dammit I can't find the quote but something along the line of a drive to push one's self which borders on psychosis. < I've been there. We laugh joking about how sick we are & how much we love it. There have been surreal moments this week. Surprised by what I could do and was doing. Secretly admiring the blood blisters on my hands, and bruises on my shins... that bar has no empathy. Smiling with every sore movement of my body for days afterward. My hidden pride, knowing what I can do in that that station, wanting only more. To push more, to lift more, to see what kind of internal dialogue pops up after holding a 15ft slosh pipe over your head for 3 min slowly loosing feeling in your arms becoming aware of the phantom sensation of water trickling down my forearms. What is said in my head, says a lot about me... and I want to know what that is. People watch, and you breathe. Because there comes a point when it takes all you have to simply do that, just breathe. Speaking of watching, that's what I'm doing. Watching a passion for training grow inside me like my passion for personal growth, which I guess they could go hand in hand. Inspired by those who train on a level many would consider "crazy"... yet I see it as honesty, willingness, & humility. I see it as part of an intricate matrix of who I am. Physical, mental, & spiritual. Allegory. A word I didn't even know the meaning to until a few days ago, unaware I didn't know the meaning until a comment was made standing outside Anytime Fitness holding my station 515 shirt. I wasn't gonna wear that shirt until I knew wtf allegory meant, lol. Powerful. Strong. Humble. Scared. Courageous. Willing. Proud. Honest.... just a a few of the things I feel when I drop that bar, scream out because it hurts, or express how much I FUCKING HATE whatever I'm about to do, but do it anyway. What am I passionate about? A question I ask myself from time to time. I'm passionate about personal growth on all levels. Allowing the physical, mental, & spiritual to dance within a beautiful balance of every feeling, emotion, & action or non-action. I'm passionate about being as tough as I am delicate, as feminine as I am masculine, & as healed as I was broken. Reminding myself of the importance of rest with drive. Inspired. Passionately inspired. I love this shit. I want more, like any good addict, I want more. But today, that which I pursue leads me down a path of self-discovery. "Know they self." I'm no longer afraid of who I am. When you have consciously & willingly exposed yourself to pain your threshold increases. What is there to fear, if you've already experienced more pain that what is coming? Whether it by choice or chance? Once you've been there, your less afraid to go back. So go first willingly. Allegory.
Love & Light
Dottie
Friday, June 24, 2011
My Body, Artfully Crafted
"Just think about that beach body"
What a joke, I thought. I laughed & shook my head. There was a picture of a beach with a fake sun just above those words. I thought of how terrible it must be to hate every minute of self-improvement. To wish to be ANYWHERE but right there, earning the body you have. Because that's the truth, we have earned whatever body we have. Our bodies are simply a physical manifestation of thoughts, experience, feelings, effort, work, etc. "Be with your body" - I heard that too in yoga yesterday. Be with my body. This beautiful piece of art that I've watched morph over the past 2 years due to an unwavering faith, a willingness to do whatever it takes, going to places within myself I was terrified to go. My body is a canvas of which you can see where I've been & who I am at any given moment, because my body will always carry remnants of 319 lbs, and that's okay. That's my story. There will forever be self-induced scars on my thighs & calves, a portal for my pain when I knew no other outlet, and that's okay. Along with small tell-tell signs of anxiety induced picking at my face and upper arms, because that was the safest thing I could do at that moment. My shoddy nail beds and slightly aged skin are fragments of years spent desperately trying to get others to perceive me as pretty with acrylic nails and year round tanning, because I allowed what others thought of me to carry entirely to much weight, and if they thought I was pretty, and told me enough, maybe I would believe it too. Hmm, interesting isn't it? I spent the first 22 years of my life reaching for an outward solution to my inward problems. Today, I am building myself anew from the inside out both figuratively & literally. I address the real issues, the inner issues, whatever they may be and watch as the outside changes as a result of this.. I watch my leg muscles naturally chisel themselves out, my collar bones dominate my upper chest, and know that although I can't see them yet... there HAS to be a six pack under what's left of my slowly fading armor of fat I've carried for years. My hair cannot get short enough, and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE that I can dead life 295lbs, which is more than my body weight. Yoga keeps me feminine & flexible. I run physically now so I don't have to run emotionally. I may not ever have the "beach body" so many of us think about when we see signs like the one I saw in the gym today, but I'm going to have MY body. I'm going to know good, bad, or indifferent, I earned that body, and I'm gonna wear it proudly.
Did I do this alone any of it, the destruction and rebuilding of who I am? Absolutely not. We cannot function alone. We are not here to be alone, to face life alone. I am so grateful for the people who have been part of this process. It's not about that beach body, I couldn't give a fuck about that beach body. It's about the process of getting to where you are, right now. It's bout knowing yourself, loving yourself, forgiving yourself. It's about knowing it's okay to be mad at yourself sometimes, and really, no, you don't know who you are. No one knows who they are. I am whatever kind of person you perceive me to be, to you that is. I wouldn't be able to convince you otherwise. My perceptions of me, are no no less bias than yours. Because guess what, even we don't know everything about ourselves, we hide things from ourselves. So who are you? You don't know. I know who I perceive me to be. What do you THINK about yourself should be a more appropriate question. Because that's what really matters, what you think of yourself effects every moment of your life. Every decision, every relationship, failure, success, EVERYTHING. So what do you think about yourself? It matters. Whether this person or that person agrees or not, doesn't matter. Whether it's "true" or not doesn't matter. What do you think of yourself? I asked myself that question today. And if there is something about yourself that you don't like, or is hindering your goals & aspirations, then change it, but you can't fix what you don't know is broken. I've spent years trying to answer the question who am I? And couldn't come up with an answer. I was asking the wrong question. How do I see myself? Is what I was suppose to be asking myself. And replying honestly, no matter how much I may not have wanted to admit it. At the very least, admit it to yourself. There will be some things I may not like about myself, but how do I perceive me? It's imperative that I know this. Along with the truth that this perception will change, I will change, & other's perception will change. Everything changes, and thank God for that.
It's amazing how when we are there it doesn't seem "that bad" but yet as we recover from self-destruction it becomes so much more clear how much we really hated ourselves. This is my recovery.
Love & Light
Dottie
What a joke, I thought. I laughed & shook my head. There was a picture of a beach with a fake sun just above those words. I thought of how terrible it must be to hate every minute of self-improvement. To wish to be ANYWHERE but right there, earning the body you have. Because that's the truth, we have earned whatever body we have. Our bodies are simply a physical manifestation of thoughts, experience, feelings, effort, work, etc. "Be with your body" - I heard that too in yoga yesterday. Be with my body. This beautiful piece of art that I've watched morph over the past 2 years due to an unwavering faith, a willingness to do whatever it takes, going to places within myself I was terrified to go. My body is a canvas of which you can see where I've been & who I am at any given moment, because my body will always carry remnants of 319 lbs, and that's okay. That's my story. There will forever be self-induced scars on my thighs & calves, a portal for my pain when I knew no other outlet, and that's okay. Along with small tell-tell signs of anxiety induced picking at my face and upper arms, because that was the safest thing I could do at that moment. My shoddy nail beds and slightly aged skin are fragments of years spent desperately trying to get others to perceive me as pretty with acrylic nails and year round tanning, because I allowed what others thought of me to carry entirely to much weight, and if they thought I was pretty, and told me enough, maybe I would believe it too. Hmm, interesting isn't it? I spent the first 22 years of my life reaching for an outward solution to my inward problems. Today, I am building myself anew from the inside out both figuratively & literally. I address the real issues, the inner issues, whatever they may be and watch as the outside changes as a result of this.. I watch my leg muscles naturally chisel themselves out, my collar bones dominate my upper chest, and know that although I can't see them yet... there HAS to be a six pack under what's left of my slowly fading armor of fat I've carried for years. My hair cannot get short enough, and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE that I can dead life 295lbs, which is more than my body weight. Yoga keeps me feminine & flexible. I run physically now so I don't have to run emotionally. I may not ever have the "beach body" so many of us think about when we see signs like the one I saw in the gym today, but I'm going to have MY body. I'm going to know good, bad, or indifferent, I earned that body, and I'm gonna wear it proudly.
Did I do this alone any of it, the destruction and rebuilding of who I am? Absolutely not. We cannot function alone. We are not here to be alone, to face life alone. I am so grateful for the people who have been part of this process. It's not about that beach body, I couldn't give a fuck about that beach body. It's about the process of getting to where you are, right now. It's bout knowing yourself, loving yourself, forgiving yourself. It's about knowing it's okay to be mad at yourself sometimes, and really, no, you don't know who you are. No one knows who they are. I am whatever kind of person you perceive me to be, to you that is. I wouldn't be able to convince you otherwise. My perceptions of me, are no no less bias than yours. Because guess what, even we don't know everything about ourselves, we hide things from ourselves. So who are you? You don't know. I know who I perceive me to be. What do you THINK about yourself should be a more appropriate question. Because that's what really matters, what you think of yourself effects every moment of your life. Every decision, every relationship, failure, success, EVERYTHING. So what do you think about yourself? It matters. Whether this person or that person agrees or not, doesn't matter. Whether it's "true" or not doesn't matter. What do you think of yourself? I asked myself that question today. And if there is something about yourself that you don't like, or is hindering your goals & aspirations, then change it, but you can't fix what you don't know is broken. I've spent years trying to answer the question who am I? And couldn't come up with an answer. I was asking the wrong question. How do I see myself? Is what I was suppose to be asking myself. And replying honestly, no matter how much I may not have wanted to admit it. At the very least, admit it to yourself. There will be some things I may not like about myself, but how do I perceive me? It's imperative that I know this. Along with the truth that this perception will change, I will change, & other's perception will change. Everything changes, and thank God for that.
It's amazing how when we are there it doesn't seem "that bad" but yet as we recover from self-destruction it becomes so much more clear how much we really hated ourselves. This is my recovery.
Love & Light
Dottie
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