Eating Sweets

One of the most important things to understand when "loosing weight" or "going on a diet" is that you cannot deprive yourself of anything. That does not mean that you never tell yourself no, because if that were the case, we wouldn't reach our weight loss goals. It simply means there isn't something you should swear off or   completely put off limits to yourself. I have "loosing weight" and "going on a diet" in quotations because loosing weight is simply a by product of changing your relationship with food and yourself. "Going on diet" is a total misplay on words that instantly implies deprivation, and for those of us who have been on countless "diets", it usually stirs up fear of failure, again. So STOP. Stop "going on a diet" and get to know yourself, and how you treat food.

So many of us are quick to say "I'm an emotional eater", "I'm a stress eater", "I eat when I'm bored" which is good and at least we are THAT far, but that is a very broad understanding. What emotions tend to make you eat? And what kind of food do you usually crave? What are your favorite comfort foods, and what memory is attached to them? Pepperoni pizza and chocolate milk were a comfort food of mine for YEARS. Why? Because some of my favorite moments with my family before my parents divorced were Domino pizza and chocolate milk Friday nights. It always felt good, so when I didn't, I'd try to take myself there. Subconsciously of course, until I took the time to ask myself questions about food. I've also learned when I'm angry and don't want to be, I eat crunchy things such as chips, particularly sun chips lol (not every single time) but knowing that about myself helps me to dig a little deeper if I'm suddenly craving something crunchy.

The inspiration for this blog came to me this morning when we went out to breakfast and a cinnamon roll with icing sounded REALLY good. I took a deep breathe and decided my usual two eggs, hash-browns and whole wheat toast were a better option, especially since I had worked out with Burkey yesterday and the protein seemed like the smart thing to do. I ate one egg and a few bites of my hash browns when I just couldn't stomach them. I truly wanted something sweet, so I got it. I got my 9,000 calorie, 3lbs of cinnamon gooey goodness. Now let me tell you why... because I knew if I didn't allow myself that cinnamon roll, I would end up eating an entire plate of breakfast I didn't really want, and still feel deprived, probably angry, and most likely go on a full out binge for the rest of the day trying to satisfy my desire for something sweet. Sound familiar? So I chose to order it, but not before I took a few deep breathes and asked myself why did I want to make that particular food choice? Was I filling some void or feeding some fear? If answered yes to any of those questions, then looks like I get to go home and do some self exploration and only after I've sat with those feelings for a while, I could have i, if I still wanted it :) But not today, today I was just a human with a sweet tooth, and probably more accurately a woman with hormones, and with that, I  made a decision to fully enjoy every bite. 

This has been a rule I have followed for some time. We all have our favorite little sweets and treats, but learning to eat and enjoy them without guilt or fear, will teach you moderation. And if it's not your favorite, why eat it? Do you really want it? You don't have to eat it just because it's there. <- That one took me a little while to learn, :). Today I ate MAYBE a quarter of my cinnamon roll today because I allowed myself to have it, to sit with it and feel it. To indulge with joy, and when I was satisfied, I was done. When you allow yourself to indulge in your favorite treats do so quiet, sitting somewhere without distraction. Don't pick up a bag of your favorite chocolate and think you are going to drive down the freeway and only eat two, that shit ain't gonna happen, I promise. When you give it your full attention and notice what it tastes like, how your body is reacting, and what it feels like in your mouth and after you swallow, and notice what thoughts and feelings come up within your mind. And when you do, you'll find that two or three is more than enough. Good luck!  

No.

"Sometimes you just have to tell yourself no."'

Sometimes we just do. I wanted Tim Horton's yesterday for lunch, which I knew at least a couple things about allowing myself to go there a) the sandwich I wanted was about 700 calories, b) my body doesn't tolerate coffee well these days, c) I already had plans to overeat today, and was going to do so joyfully, because pizza hut is amazing and I refuse to deprive myself of any of the things that I truly enjoy, these instances I practice moderation....  SO, knowing these things I decided that you know what, sometimes we just need to tell ourselves no, lovingly like we would tell our child who wants to eat too much candy before bed, or our best friend who wants to make that compulsive phone call to their ex. I personally don't like to hear the word no. I don't like to be told no, I remembered that yesterday. I quit my job 3 years ago because the scheduler told me I couldn't switch floors, and said "NO" with an attitude, so not only did I not want to hear it, I didn't want to hear it from her, cause who the fuck was she anyways??? So it was either setting my keys down on the counter walking out or jumping over it and punching her in the face. THAT'S how much I've hated to be told no. But yesterday, a grace came with the word. A loving, supportive, encouraging, no. And I asked myself what was a better choice I could make? I ended up eating less than 500 calories for lunch sandwich, chips, and drink included. Thank God for that. We can make a choice every day, to be our own worse enemy or our best friend. It's about conscious choices. Of asking ourselves, is this worth it, taking a deep breathe then re-asking ourselves because sometimes we can spit out a quick, not-so-true yes as our hands are in route to our mouths with chocolate or burgers or whatever in tow, followed by guilt and a vicious cycle.

I look back on where I was in July of 2009 and all of the people God put in my path to help me get to where I am now. They were all exactly what I needed when I was working with them....from trainers, to hypnotherapists, to yoga teachers, different gyms, workout buddies, energy healers. To Jonathan Stevens, Jack Dugger, Billie Tobin, Pat Hill & all the yogi's at Bodhi Seed Yoga, Chris Burkeybyle and the station, Andrea and anytime fitness, B Murphy!, and everyone else who played a part in my journey, THANK YOU.... maybe the biggest lesson of 2012 was learning to tell myself  no, yes, good job, go to the gym, don't quit, sure you want to eat that? etc because sometimes I need to hear it, and none of you are here to say it...

"To know when to bend and when to leap- when to bow out and when to hurl our passions like buckets of pain across a stage..." - b

Creating Support

So, I've been trying to write this blog for the last 2-3 days, not so sure what the issues is. It's been one of those those things that come with a gnawing reminder which only intensifies the longer you DON'T do it. At this point I'm getting a little irritated I haven't written this yet, maybe that's a good thing, getting irritated shaves off the fluff I can sometimes add to my blogs. Maybe that's why it's now that I'm finally sitting down to write this.

So, here's the thing... just under a year ago, I felt guided to begin a weight loss support group (I think I described  it something a little more fancy, with a lot more words, but that's what it was none the less). I based it off a similar idea I had with 12 Steps & Beyond. Both groups being focused on healing the core issues of why we suffer from addictive behaviors, and in healing those being able live a life of freedom and not limitation & fear. I had spent a couple years in the 12 step programs of AA and when it had served its purpose I was done, I needed something more that was offered there, and if I needed it so did others. I didn't know where to find it, so I created it... and there was 12 steps & beyond which ran for over and year and did beautifully, only ended because then center was closing.

The issue has been this... never have I had more than one person come to any class/workshop/support group yet, something won't let me give up on this. It's like I'm waiting for something to shift. I'm waiting for me to understand something and posses a different kind of outlook or energy or experience  or something. Maybe now I'm not so unsure of myself, so afraid, and I'm not listening to other people (although I love & respect them) in how I should promote, how often I should host, how much I should charge or what it should be called. Maybe there's a component of I needed to realize that I need this too. Before I went into it with the attitude of I was going to teach something, I had the experience, medical background, intuitive gifts, and looked at weight loss from an angle many don't even consider. I wanted to make this group so I could help other people, and share with them things that could hopefully help them feel the freedom I felt. As noble as all that sounds, it is a little cocky. A little ego based. My intentions were good, but my ego was big. I needed time to learn that I need this group, as much as anybody else needs it. I needed people to make this group possible. We all have varying degrees of experience, medical background, intuitive gifts, and can't all possible look at weight loss the same way.

So, here we go. That steady, quiet voice is still there encouraging me to try this again. Without my autobiography attached to the group page, without the lengthy description of what it is and could be for you, and  without my fear of what I'm going to teach or do that meeting or doing it wrong. Instead with an openness  to allow the universe to unfold it unto what it's suppose to be, with asking only a love donation, and with me simply being accepting, willing, and present. I have always believed in this group. That it has a place and a purpose. I think now I'm finally in a place of believing in myself enough to carry it out...

With Grace & Gratitude
Dot

How I Did It

Where I refer people when they ask me how I did it ;) 

I believe the weight on my physical body is a manifestation of emotional pain, anger, and fear. I take a holistic approach to my weight loss and have used hypnotherapy, acupuncture, meditation, personal training, yoga, exercising and building a positive relationship with my body and food. For me, it's a journey of healing, of letting go, and growing. It's about facing fears and loving myself. It's a beautiful journey really, even on the seemingly "hard" days.


31 months ago, I made a decision I was willing to do whatever it took to loose weight, for however long it took. I addressed it on all levels...the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I found what worked for me, but not without finding out what didn't. I never gave up on the bigger picture. I didn't put a time line on when I'd loose x amount of weight. I saw ONE number, my goal weight and didn't share it with anyone for a VERY long time. Two and a half years later, I think there are five people who know what that number is. In the beginning, I prayed. I asked God to show me why I was overweight and asked for help. I trusted the perfect people would come into my life at the perfect time, and they did. Early on, I kept a food journal  without counting the calories, it helped me become aware of how much I was eating without overwhelming me. I walked almost everyday for 30 minutes, that's all I could talk myself into doing and even that was a struggle. I saw a personal trainer once a week. I did my best to cut back on how much food I was eating, and make better choices. I gained 12lbs back over the first holiday season! But I refused to stop, I just kept going. To stop was guaranteed failure, at least if I kept going I had a chance. Eventually, I used my "weaknesses" to my advantage. I worked hard, real fucking hard. I got a different trainer, and decided to take a deeper look at the underlying emotional issues. I took hypnotherapy, acupuncture, & yoga. I've been to Overeaters Anonymous, and read three books that changed my life and my relationship with food. (Women, Food, and God. The Yoga of Eating. & A Course In Weight Loss.) I got to know myself & my body. I  learned to trust myself. I asked my body what IT needed and gave it that. Guess what? I'm not on a fucking diet. I've never been on a fucking diet. I eat whatever I really want. But I ask myself... is it worth it? How bad do I REALLY want this? Do I really want it at all? And you know what, when I eat it, I enjoy that shit. Every bite, because it doesn't come without a price. Periodically I will keep a food journal on myfitnesspal.com to keep me conscious of what I'm eating Funny thing is... in not denying myself anything, and listening to my body it has naturally created aversions to certain foods. Most often, I don't even want the shit that's bad for me! But it took me almost two years to get to that point, and it still happens every now and then. It took patience & grace. It took willingness. A willingness to feel all the pain I had been eating away for years. A willingness to trust other people and myself. I seriously, could go on for what could constitute an entire book. Right now, I'm still not on a diet and I work out, do yoga, & train because I love it. I'm still finding what works for me, and if it stops working, I change it. This is my life. I eat less and better, because it's a habit. Because it feels good. Because I eat what my body wants. I finally love myself & my body enough today to want to be good to it. Anything less is unacceptable. Because I've addressed (and still addressing) the underlying issues as to why I was overweight in the first place, God's grace, and a moment of pure willingness to do whatever it took... I've lost 94lbs in two and a half years. It wasn't quick. I wasn't easy. But it was worth it and I'm better for it.

With Grace & Gratitude...

My Fight

Maybe, just maybe, I will be able to pull my thoughts together enough to make some sense here. What is the truth? What do I feel? I'm a fighter. I know the fight. I've fought my entire life. Two days ago I asked God to show me the truth, within minutes I was shuffling through an old journal and this page fell out... "I feel it's much simpler than I'm allowing it to be right now, I'm used to fighting, overcoming, struggling, I'm used to pain and suffering. The only difference between now and then is that I'm going back through to heal it. To see it, feel it, accept it, and let it go. But what then? What do I do then? One who has spent there entire life wading through the puddles of despair. What then when nothing hurts? I'm afraid of coming to the point where nothing hurts" As I approach my goal weight, I've asked myself, with a tinge of fear, "What am I going to do when I hit my goal weight?" What am I going to have to fight for? I have a deep belief that growth doesn't come without suffering, so if I stop suffering, does that mean I stop growing? I live for growth and change. I'm gonna have to re-evaluate that belief.

Going back to we teach best what we most need to learn... I spent the other morning listening to a friend and pretty much telling her to re-evaluate her beliefs, and stop feeling sorry for herself ..."Hope is a candy coated disguise for wanting something other than what we have and a fear we'll never get it. It's rolled in self-pity and can lead one to delude oneself." That was my last text message to her. The universe always has the first move. 6 hours later... I was told pretty much the same thing... "You are purging pain and feeling sorry for yourself..." Funny how that works isn't it?

After working 8 hours, I hit the gym. I ran today faster than I've ever run, for longer than I've ever run. I did shoulder stretches with a bar, a little bit of yoga, several failed attempts a pull ups, then literally just hung from the bar, overhead squats, sit ups, weight sit ups, weighted lunges across the gym and back, back to sit ups... then I sat there. On the little bench that leans back to do sit-ups, again, with my 25lb weight in my hands staring at myself in the mirror. Admitting to myself, what I knew BEFORE I stepped foot into that gym....I was working through something. What was I hiding from? What was I fighting? Tears welled up in my eyes. I heard D.H. Lawerence's poem, "I never saw a wild thing, sorry for itself, a small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough, without ever having felt sorry for itself." Ah, I was in self-pity. I had been feeling sorry for myself randomly for months. Withholding forgiveness from myself, and wanting to "fix" it. Nothing I can do to "fix" it, forgive myself, and it will fix itself. The fight. I was desperately trying to not fight what was, which was manifesting into my physical world by increasing my sessions with Burkey to twice a week, and working with myself in the gym like I never had before, I was having to drag myself out of the gym. I haven't been able to get enough of working real hard, and putting my body through rigorous physical & mental activity. The other night I couldn't sleep because all I was thinking about was lifting really heavy shit, overhead squats, front squats, & dead-lifts. It was as if I couldn't get enough working out. "Working out" ... what are we working out anyways? Shit that's been too deep, for too long. Wear yourself out.

I'm a fighter. There is a warrior inside of me. Giving up that aspect of who I am, is totally out of the question. But balance, that I can work with. Focusing and re-directing that energy, I can do that too. Knowing when to fight, and when to retreat gracefully. Knowing who we are, accepting that, and using that knowledge serve a greater purpose. 

Relinquishing my need to always fight, just might be the greatest fight of my life... 

With Grace & Gratitude...

What Can You Learn In 60 Seconds?

First of all, I'm not sure I believe in failure. I've always believed/said failure is when you stop trying. That failure didn't exist, and I had never failed at anything. Is that an avenue I've used to avoid taking responsibility? To look at someone and say, I gave my best, I truly did. I gave 120% and it just didn't work out, it didn't turn out like I had planned, I didn't achieve my goal. It's difficult for people to see that person as having failed, because they gave everything they had, what else can you give?! How can you fault someone who walked away/quit/gave up... ONLY when they truly had nothing left to give? I sure don't. I don't fault anyone, including myself. I respect them, I admire them. But what happens when we feel we gave everything we had, only to find out in one quick instant, that obviously we had not... because if we had, we wouldn't be doing what we are in that particular instant of realization.

"An all out minute on the airdyne will, always, teach you something." - b

I had been there before. For 60 seconds, you give every last drop of yourself. Mentally, emotionally, & physically. And spiritually for that matter, because nothing fucking matters for that 60 seconds. Because this 60 seconds is between you & the airdyne, God has nothing to do with it. I was ready and willing to give it my all, everything. Was a plan beneficial or not? Because yes, I initially had one. I know how easy the first 20 seconds are, and how quickly the airdyne takes from you, relentlessly. I had assimilated a bit of a plan, was it in fact beneficial?  Guess will find out next time, when I go in without one. However, 36 seconds in, I truly felt I had nothing left. NOTHING. Like I was giving 150%, and was watching & feeling myself slow down beyond my control. Helpless. I muttered the words on the exhale of an exhausted breath, "I GOT NOTHING" somewhere between 36 & 53 seconds. Instant WTF moment. Instant rage. REALLY? You got nothing?!?! Cause saying those words alone, JUST said you had SOMETHING! Are you fucking kidding me? That was two days ago, I'm still pissed about it. I feel I gave up. I was ready to give up & I almost did until I uttered those words, shattering what I considered absolutely true & honest. Made the fact that I did break my record, meaningless. Is that really it? I'm angry because I ALMOST gave up? Most people congratulate themselves for not giving up when they wanted to, but I'm pissed at myself because I thought about it? Because I almost did? lol That's kind of ridiculous! Incredibly high standards even fore me. Eh, No. I'm angry because I was so fucking sure, POSITIVE without one shred of doubt... I had given everything, only to find out, I hadn't. How many other times in my life had this happened? I doubted everything I ever believed about myself in that moment.

Since then, I've wanted nothing more to get back on that bike. As if to tell it, I'll show you, you're not going to beat me, you are not going to take me back to that moment. I'm ready, lets go again. I won't want to quit at any point. But really now? Let's be honest. It's not about the bike. It doesn't give a shit. The only thing we are battling is ourselves & let me tell you, those who show up at the station, willing to do the work know how to battle. And for most of us, it takes way more strength to surrender than it does to keep fighting.

With Humility, Willingness, & Courage...

Know Thyself

Endorphins are my drug of choice, and the gym is my dealer.

A thought I had earlier as I was going to town on the elliptical and when time was up decided it wasn't enough, I wanted more. I restarted the timer. My core was burning, my shoulders ached, my whole body hurt so much from the workout the night before at the station I felt a vague sense of nausea and overall feeling like shit. Like the enormous amount of muscle breakdown and rebuilding I had put my body through the night before was releasing toxins into my blood stream. I had been drinking water and detox tea all day to flush out my system, I was using the elliptical to push it out. Whatever it was I was fighting with today. Whatever was really cursing through my veins. I got off the elliptical after 54 minutes only because I began to question whether or not I was working smart. Wondering where that line was at, how much more could I hurt my body today and it not be equivalent to taking a knife to my skin? So, I got on the treadmill and walked, then did yoga. Now here I am, pheeneing. Ready to go back, for more. To the gym. The question then became... Dot, what are running from? What are you trying to ignore? Who cares if you didn't stuff your face, or pick up a bottle... the gym is your drug of choice, going again would constitute a act of avoidance. Avoidance of whatever I was feeling, or not wanting to admit to myself. So, WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?

I don't like not getting what I want. I don't like things NOT going my way, actually, I fucking hate it. I can know in my gut that the way it is happening is best, and STILL be fucking pissed. I can be mad simply because it didn't go the way I wanted and see that it's working out just fine! I thought back to the times in my life when I didn't get what I wanted on how enraged I became and exauhstingly sought out multiple avenues to try and get what I wanted. When I totaled my car, I tried to buy it back as SCRAP so I could then pay out of pocket to have it pieced back together, because it BARELY made the  total loss percentage, and I wanted it to NOT be totaled!!! I kept those keys, and license plate for probably two years. I have a hard time letting go when something doesn't go the way I wanted it to. Because somewhere inside of me I believe there is still SOMETHING I can do to bring about my desired outcome. I believe, "There's nothing I/we can do" is a lame bullshit excuse, a fucking cop out. There's ALWAYS something you can do. Maybe the lesson here for me is, the something I can do is let go. To let it be. To do, nothing. Whether it is true or not, I believe in my head there are very few things I've ever wanted & not gotten. I've said for years the only two things I didn't get as I child that I wanted were an easy bake oven & a tree house. The go kart, trampoline, sandbox, four wheeler, brand new car, the leather jacket I saw and "just had to have" my mother drove over an hour to go get, that day where all mine. I'm spoiled. The reason I have an emotional reaction to being told that is because it's true. If you have an emotional reaction to something, it's because that shit hits you in the fucking core. Because it hurts. It hits a part of you that is obviously there, because it hurts, but you can't see it, so then you're confused. I'm spoiled. I've spent my whole life getting just about everything I want. And when I don't get it, I get pissed. I don't know what to do. Being okay with not getting what I want is not a skill I've had to cultivate! I always get what I want. Typing that I know it's not entirely true, and it's coming straight from a cocky ego. But that's what flew out of my fingers just now. And it's not about the attainment, it's about the pursuit. It's always been about the pursuit. That's why... myself, and many of us, don't always want what it once we get it. Because it's never about what we initially think it's about. 

Acceptance of how, not who, but how we are, our perceived "weaknesses" can be a very positive propelling force. It's not about ridding ourselves of that aspect of our personality. It's about owning it, guiding it, using it to our advantage. It's about not being afraid of it, so when we notice it trickling out into the aspect of our lives where it can cause damage, we tell it to back the fuck off, this isn't where it belongs. Or watch it disappear because it no longer serves a purpose.

My intense dislike for not getting what I want work to my advantage beautifully in attaining goals like nursing school, getting sober, weight loss...tangible, measurable goals. It gives me drive, determination. A fire. But not so much when there are other people involved. It can be too much for them. You cannot make another person do anything. If you think you can you are delusional. They have a choice. Any force from you would be immoral, manipulative, & create so dirty karma. I like balance. In the physical material world, I have a lot of control. I create my life. In the arena of human relationships, where so many invisible forces are involved, I have very little... if any. A beautiful balance. I have control only over myself. My actions, my emotions, & my thoughts. And that control comes with practice. Acceptance is something I have control over, it too is a choice. Life is about choices. Make a fucking choice. I wrote that on the inside cover of my Big Book for Alcoholics Anonymous "Get busy living or get busy dying. Make a choice" and I did. I chose alright, and I am better for it. 

Today I chose to acknowledge aspects of my personality I didn't really want to admit to before. It takes more courage to admit a weakness than it does strength to hide it. I also asked today, what my relationship to my Self was... we aren't even going to go there right now. The only place I'm going, is to the gym....

"I really don't like not getting what I want. Actually, I fucking hate it. I can KNOW I'm better off without it but still be pissed because it didn't go MY way. LMAO. I just wanted to tell somebody that wouldn't judge me..." - My text to a friend about 5 minutes before this blog. His response...

"dot, I am constantly judging you and everyone around me. I will say that you measure up quite well. I am proud of you and how hard you work, and how you think and pay attention." and that is why I work with him.

With Grace & Gratitude...