Awareness & Willingness

Awareness & willingness.  The only two things needed to change something in your life. I sit here void of emotion, which is not uncommon for me.  I do have the ability to make myself feel anything I desire, but rarely do my emotions bubble outward beyond my control.  I can be happy, mad, grateful, etc at the drop of a hat.  I've hit a plateau with my weight, I've hit a peak with my binging and purging, and I drank like a fish 4 days ago.  I want to know what's there.  What is lurking just under the surface I can feel, but not see yet?  It's too close for comfort that's for sure.