How I Did It

Where I refer people when they ask me how I did it ;) 

I believe the weight on my physical body is a manifestation of emotional pain, anger, and fear. I take a holistic approach to my weight loss and have used hypnotherapy, acupuncture, meditation, personal training, yoga, exercising and building a positive relationship with my body and food. For me, it's a journey of healing, of letting go, and growing. It's about facing fears and loving myself. It's a beautiful journey really, even on the seemingly "hard" days.


31 months ago, I made a decision I was willing to do whatever it took to loose weight, for however long it took. I addressed it on all levels...the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I found what worked for me, but not without finding out what didn't. I never gave up on the bigger picture. I didn't put a time line on when I'd loose x amount of weight. I saw ONE number, my goal weight and didn't share it with anyone for a VERY long time. Two and a half years later, I think there are five people who know what that number is. In the beginning, I prayed. I asked God to show me why I was overweight and asked for help. I trusted the perfect people would come into my life at the perfect time, and they did. Early on, I kept a food journal  without counting the calories, it helped me become aware of how much I was eating without overwhelming me. I walked almost everyday for 30 minutes, that's all I could talk myself into doing and even that was a struggle. I saw a personal trainer once a week. I did my best to cut back on how much food I was eating, and make better choices. I gained 12lbs back over the first holiday season! But I refused to stop, I just kept going. To stop was guaranteed failure, at least if I kept going I had a chance. Eventually, I used my "weaknesses" to my advantage. I worked hard, real fucking hard. I got a different trainer, and decided to take a deeper look at the underlying emotional issues. I took hypnotherapy, acupuncture, & yoga. I've been to Overeaters Anonymous, and read three books that changed my life and my relationship with food. (Women, Food, and God. The Yoga of Eating. & A Course In Weight Loss.) I got to know myself & my body. I  learned to trust myself. I asked my body what IT needed and gave it that. Guess what? I'm not on a fucking diet. I've never been on a fucking diet. I eat whatever I really want. But I ask myself... is it worth it? How bad do I REALLY want this? Do I really want it at all? And you know what, when I eat it, I enjoy that shit. Every bite, because it doesn't come without a price. Periodically I will keep a food journal on myfitnesspal.com to keep me conscious of what I'm eating Funny thing is... in not denying myself anything, and listening to my body it has naturally created aversions to certain foods. Most often, I don't even want the shit that's bad for me! But it took me almost two years to get to that point, and it still happens every now and then. It took patience & grace. It took willingness. A willingness to feel all the pain I had been eating away for years. A willingness to trust other people and myself. I seriously, could go on for what could constitute an entire book. Right now, I'm still not on a diet and I work out, do yoga, & train because I love it. I'm still finding what works for me, and if it stops working, I change it. This is my life. I eat less and better, because it's a habit. Because it feels good. Because I eat what my body wants. I finally love myself & my body enough today to want to be good to it. Anything less is unacceptable. Because I've addressed (and still addressing) the underlying issues as to why I was overweight in the first place, God's grace, and a moment of pure willingness to do whatever it took... I've lost 94lbs in two and a half years. It wasn't quick. I wasn't easy. But it was worth it and I'm better for it.

With Grace & Gratitude...

My Fight

Maybe, just maybe, I will be able to pull my thoughts together enough to make some sense here. What is the truth? What do I feel? I'm a fighter. I know the fight. I've fought my entire life. Two days ago I asked God to show me the truth, within minutes I was shuffling through an old journal and this page fell out... "I feel it's much simpler than I'm allowing it to be right now, I'm used to fighting, overcoming, struggling, I'm used to pain and suffering. The only difference between now and then is that I'm going back through to heal it. To see it, feel it, accept it, and let it go. But what then? What do I do then? One who has spent there entire life wading through the puddles of despair. What then when nothing hurts? I'm afraid of coming to the point where nothing hurts" As I approach my goal weight, I've asked myself, with a tinge of fear, "What am I going to do when I hit my goal weight?" What am I going to have to fight for? I have a deep belief that growth doesn't come without suffering, so if I stop suffering, does that mean I stop growing? I live for growth and change. I'm gonna have to re-evaluate that belief.

Going back to we teach best what we most need to learn... I spent the other morning listening to a friend and pretty much telling her to re-evaluate her beliefs, and stop feeling sorry for herself ..."Hope is a candy coated disguise for wanting something other than what we have and a fear we'll never get it. It's rolled in self-pity and can lead one to delude oneself." That was my last text message to her. The universe always has the first move. 6 hours later... I was told pretty much the same thing... "You are purging pain and feeling sorry for yourself..." Funny how that works isn't it?

After working 8 hours, I hit the gym. I ran today faster than I've ever run, for longer than I've ever run. I did shoulder stretches with a bar, a little bit of yoga, several failed attempts a pull ups, then literally just hung from the bar, overhead squats, sit ups, weight sit ups, weighted lunges across the gym and back, back to sit ups... then I sat there. On the little bench that leans back to do sit-ups, again, with my 25lb weight in my hands staring at myself in the mirror. Admitting to myself, what I knew BEFORE I stepped foot into that gym....I was working through something. What was I hiding from? What was I fighting? Tears welled up in my eyes. I heard D.H. Lawerence's poem, "I never saw a wild thing, sorry for itself, a small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough, without ever having felt sorry for itself." Ah, I was in self-pity. I had been feeling sorry for myself randomly for months. Withholding forgiveness from myself, and wanting to "fix" it. Nothing I can do to "fix" it, forgive myself, and it will fix itself. The fight. I was desperately trying to not fight what was, which was manifesting into my physical world by increasing my sessions with Burkey to twice a week, and working with myself in the gym like I never had before, I was having to drag myself out of the gym. I haven't been able to get enough of working real hard, and putting my body through rigorous physical & mental activity. The other night I couldn't sleep because all I was thinking about was lifting really heavy shit, overhead squats, front squats, & dead-lifts. It was as if I couldn't get enough working out. "Working out" ... what are we working out anyways? Shit that's been too deep, for too long. Wear yourself out.

I'm a fighter. There is a warrior inside of me. Giving up that aspect of who I am, is totally out of the question. But balance, that I can work with. Focusing and re-directing that energy, I can do that too. Knowing when to fight, and when to retreat gracefully. Knowing who we are, accepting that, and using that knowledge serve a greater purpose. 

Relinquishing my need to always fight, just might be the greatest fight of my life... 

With Grace & Gratitude...

What Can You Learn In 60 Seconds?

First of all, I'm not sure I believe in failure. I've always believed/said failure is when you stop trying. That failure didn't exist, and I had never failed at anything. Is that an avenue I've used to avoid taking responsibility? To look at someone and say, I gave my best, I truly did. I gave 120% and it just didn't work out, it didn't turn out like I had planned, I didn't achieve my goal. It's difficult for people to see that person as having failed, because they gave everything they had, what else can you give?! How can you fault someone who walked away/quit/gave up... ONLY when they truly had nothing left to give? I sure don't. I don't fault anyone, including myself. I respect them, I admire them. But what happens when we feel we gave everything we had, only to find out in one quick instant, that obviously we had not... because if we had, we wouldn't be doing what we are in that particular instant of realization.

"An all out minute on the airdyne will, always, teach you something." - b

I had been there before. For 60 seconds, you give every last drop of yourself. Mentally, emotionally, & physically. And spiritually for that matter, because nothing fucking matters for that 60 seconds. Because this 60 seconds is between you & the airdyne, God has nothing to do with it. I was ready and willing to give it my all, everything. Was a plan beneficial or not? Because yes, I initially had one. I know how easy the first 20 seconds are, and how quickly the airdyne takes from you, relentlessly. I had assimilated a bit of a plan, was it in fact beneficial?  Guess will find out next time, when I go in without one. However, 36 seconds in, I truly felt I had nothing left. NOTHING. Like I was giving 150%, and was watching & feeling myself slow down beyond my control. Helpless. I muttered the words on the exhale of an exhausted breath, "I GOT NOTHING" somewhere between 36 & 53 seconds. Instant WTF moment. Instant rage. REALLY? You got nothing?!?! Cause saying those words alone, JUST said you had SOMETHING! Are you fucking kidding me? That was two days ago, I'm still pissed about it. I feel I gave up. I was ready to give up & I almost did until I uttered those words, shattering what I considered absolutely true & honest. Made the fact that I did break my record, meaningless. Is that really it? I'm angry because I ALMOST gave up? Most people congratulate themselves for not giving up when they wanted to, but I'm pissed at myself because I thought about it? Because I almost did? lol That's kind of ridiculous! Incredibly high standards even fore me. Eh, No. I'm angry because I was so fucking sure, POSITIVE without one shred of doubt... I had given everything, only to find out, I hadn't. How many other times in my life had this happened? I doubted everything I ever believed about myself in that moment.

Since then, I've wanted nothing more to get back on that bike. As if to tell it, I'll show you, you're not going to beat me, you are not going to take me back to that moment. I'm ready, lets go again. I won't want to quit at any point. But really now? Let's be honest. It's not about the bike. It doesn't give a shit. The only thing we are battling is ourselves & let me tell you, those who show up at the station, willing to do the work know how to battle. And for most of us, it takes way more strength to surrender than it does to keep fighting.

With Humility, Willingness, & Courage...

Know Thyself

Endorphins are my drug of choice, and the gym is my dealer.

A thought I had earlier as I was going to town on the elliptical and when time was up decided it wasn't enough, I wanted more. I restarted the timer. My core was burning, my shoulders ached, my whole body hurt so much from the workout the night before at the station I felt a vague sense of nausea and overall feeling like shit. Like the enormous amount of muscle breakdown and rebuilding I had put my body through the night before was releasing toxins into my blood stream. I had been drinking water and detox tea all day to flush out my system, I was using the elliptical to push it out. Whatever it was I was fighting with today. Whatever was really cursing through my veins. I got off the elliptical after 54 minutes only because I began to question whether or not I was working smart. Wondering where that line was at, how much more could I hurt my body today and it not be equivalent to taking a knife to my skin? So, I got on the treadmill and walked, then did yoga. Now here I am, pheeneing. Ready to go back, for more. To the gym. The question then became... Dot, what are running from? What are you trying to ignore? Who cares if you didn't stuff your face, or pick up a bottle... the gym is your drug of choice, going again would constitute a act of avoidance. Avoidance of whatever I was feeling, or not wanting to admit to myself. So, WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?

I don't like not getting what I want. I don't like things NOT going my way, actually, I fucking hate it. I can know in my gut that the way it is happening is best, and STILL be fucking pissed. I can be mad simply because it didn't go the way I wanted and see that it's working out just fine! I thought back to the times in my life when I didn't get what I wanted on how enraged I became and exauhstingly sought out multiple avenues to try and get what I wanted. When I totaled my car, I tried to buy it back as SCRAP so I could then pay out of pocket to have it pieced back together, because it BARELY made the  total loss percentage, and I wanted it to NOT be totaled!!! I kept those keys, and license plate for probably two years. I have a hard time letting go when something doesn't go the way I wanted it to. Because somewhere inside of me I believe there is still SOMETHING I can do to bring about my desired outcome. I believe, "There's nothing I/we can do" is a lame bullshit excuse, a fucking cop out. There's ALWAYS something you can do. Maybe the lesson here for me is, the something I can do is let go. To let it be. To do, nothing. Whether it is true or not, I believe in my head there are very few things I've ever wanted & not gotten. I've said for years the only two things I didn't get as I child that I wanted were an easy bake oven & a tree house. The go kart, trampoline, sandbox, four wheeler, brand new car, the leather jacket I saw and "just had to have" my mother drove over an hour to go get, that day where all mine. I'm spoiled. The reason I have an emotional reaction to being told that is because it's true. If you have an emotional reaction to something, it's because that shit hits you in the fucking core. Because it hurts. It hits a part of you that is obviously there, because it hurts, but you can't see it, so then you're confused. I'm spoiled. I've spent my whole life getting just about everything I want. And when I don't get it, I get pissed. I don't know what to do. Being okay with not getting what I want is not a skill I've had to cultivate! I always get what I want. Typing that I know it's not entirely true, and it's coming straight from a cocky ego. But that's what flew out of my fingers just now. And it's not about the attainment, it's about the pursuit. It's always been about the pursuit. That's why... myself, and many of us, don't always want what it once we get it. Because it's never about what we initially think it's about. 

Acceptance of how, not who, but how we are, our perceived "weaknesses" can be a very positive propelling force. It's not about ridding ourselves of that aspect of our personality. It's about owning it, guiding it, using it to our advantage. It's about not being afraid of it, so when we notice it trickling out into the aspect of our lives where it can cause damage, we tell it to back the fuck off, this isn't where it belongs. Or watch it disappear because it no longer serves a purpose.

My intense dislike for not getting what I want work to my advantage beautifully in attaining goals like nursing school, getting sober, weight loss...tangible, measurable goals. It gives me drive, determination. A fire. But not so much when there are other people involved. It can be too much for them. You cannot make another person do anything. If you think you can you are delusional. They have a choice. Any force from you would be immoral, manipulative, & create so dirty karma. I like balance. In the physical material world, I have a lot of control. I create my life. In the arena of human relationships, where so many invisible forces are involved, I have very little... if any. A beautiful balance. I have control only over myself. My actions, my emotions, & my thoughts. And that control comes with practice. Acceptance is something I have control over, it too is a choice. Life is about choices. Make a fucking choice. I wrote that on the inside cover of my Big Book for Alcoholics Anonymous "Get busy living or get busy dying. Make a choice" and I did. I chose alright, and I am better for it. 

Today I chose to acknowledge aspects of my personality I didn't really want to admit to before. It takes more courage to admit a weakness than it does strength to hide it. I also asked today, what my relationship to my Self was... we aren't even going to go there right now. The only place I'm going, is to the gym....

"I really don't like not getting what I want. Actually, I fucking hate it. I can KNOW I'm better off without it but still be pissed because it didn't go MY way. LMAO. I just wanted to tell somebody that wouldn't judge me..." - My text to a friend about 5 minutes before this blog. His response...

"dot, I am constantly judging you and everyone around me. I will say that you measure up quite well. I am proud of you and how hard you work, and how you think and pay attention." and that is why I work with him.

With Grace & Gratitude...

My "Secret"

"What's your secret?"

I swear, I laugh EVERY TIME someone asks me that question. THERE IS NO SECRET. You know what you need to do do loose weight, you just aren't doing it. I've given lots of thought the last few days to the transformation I've undergone during the loosing of 94 lbs. To say my "weight loss" would be an understatement. Because although initially weight loss was my goal, it slowly became a simple by-product of change, one of many. Internal & external. You know those moments when you say something and you realize HOLY shit, I've changed. That happened to me the other day. I friend asked me if "my trainer could whip her into shape by July" and my response was "Sure, how hard are you willing to work?" And I was dead serious. That statement, came from a place inside of my psyche cultivated by the station and those who help make it what it is. I get cocky sometimes, like right now... I'm a little in cocky mode. But you know what? I deserve to be a little cocky every now and then. I worked hard. I pushed through the fear & the pain, I faced demons I never knew I had. I've cried, I've laid on the floor giving all I had just to catch my breath. I've humbly admitted yes... I could have pushed harder, and during a five month period found myself battling an eating disorder. I've tended wounds on my body for weeks because I wanted to see if I could do it & gotten so pissed at myself because my body was desperately trying to give out, and I wasn't ready to. There are people at the station I feel are stronger, more willing, and push harder than I do. People I feel I don't even deserve to be in the same workout group with. But there is something to be said about being aware & surrounded by people who are stronger, more willing, and push harder. They help you make you better, and no that was not a typo. Even though, who you are right now is perfect, and exactly who you should be... tomorrow is a different day. Be a different you. There is no end. There is no finish line. 

I guess it is here I will do my little venting paragraph which I've never done, and seems goes against my Buddhist nature. But here goes... I believe all paths in life are truly individualized, and the weight loss journey is no different. But when you go have gastric bypass surgery, don't fucking talk to me about weight loss like we are in this together. fuck you. Don't talk to me like you can relate to the depth of change I've undergone and what a struggle it's been. You're stomach can physically not hold the same amount of  food it used too, so little in fact... you must consume supplements to meet your daily nutritional needs. OF COURSE you are going to loose weight! fuck you. When you've watched other addictions in your life go out of control, or your weight has come back because you never dealt with the underlying issue as to why you were overweight in the first place!?!?! COME SEE ME. Until then, I don't give a fuck about what you ate or didn't eat today or whether or not your going to the gym too. Because we have nothing to talk about. 

My secret? Well, if you want to call it that, here it is. I wouldn't have wanted it ANY. OTHER. WAY....

I made a decision I was willing to do whatever it took to loose weight. I addressed it on all levels...the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. I found what worked for me, but not without finding out what didn't. I never gave up on the bigger picture. I didn't put a time line on when I'd loose x amount of weight. I saw ONE number, my goal weight and didn't share it with anyone for a VERY long time. Two and a half years later, I think there are five people who know what that number is. In the beginning, I prayed. I asked God to show me why I was overweight and asked for help. I trusted the perfect people would come into my life at the perfect time, and they did. Early on, I kept a food journal  without counting the calories, it helped me become aware of how much I was eating without overwhelming me. I walked everyday for 30 minutes, that's all I could talk myself into doing and even that was a struggle. I saw a personal trainer once a week. I did my best to cut back on how much food I was eating, and make better choices. I gained 12lbs back over the first holiday season! But I refused to stop, I just kept going. To stop was guaranteed failure, at least if I kept going I had a chance. Eventually, I used my "weaknesses" to my advantage. I worked hard, real fucking hard. I got a different trainer, and decided to take a deeper look at the underlying emotional issues. I took hypnotherapy, acupuncture, & yoga. I've been to Overeaters Anonymous, and read three books that changed my life and my relationship with food. (Women, Food, and God. The Yoga of Eating. & A Course In Weight Loss.) I got to know myself & my body. I  learned to trust myself. I asked my body what IT needed and gave it that. Guess what? I'm not on a fucking diet. I've never been on a fucking diet. I eat whatever I really want. But I ask myself... is it worth it? How bad do I REALLY want this? Do I really want it at all? And you know what, when I eat it, I enjoy that shit. Every bite, because it doesn't come without a price. Periodically I will keep a food journal on myfitnesspal.com to keep me conscious of what I'm eating Funny thing is... in not denying myself anything, and listening to my body it has naturally created aversions to certain foods. Most often, I don't even want the shit that's bad for me! But it took me almost two years to get to that point, and it still happens every now and then. It took patience & grace. It took willingness. A willingness to feel all the pain I had been eating away for years. A willingness to trust other people and myself. I seriously, could go on for what could constitute an entire book. Right now, I'm still not on a diet and I work out, do yoga, & train because I love it. I'm still finding what works for me, and if it stops working, I change it. This is my life. I eat less and better, because it's a habit. Because it feels good. Because I eat what my body wants. I finally love myself & my body enough today to want to be good to it. Anything less is unacceptable. Because I've addressed (and still addressing) the underlying issues as to why I was overweight in the first place, God's grace, and a moment of pure willingness to do whatever it took... I've lost 94lbs in two and a half years. It wasn't quick. I wasn't easy. But it was worth it and I'm better for it. 

With Grace & Gratitude....

Dottie