Still Some Anger

Still some anger... holding steady at -54 lbs

Not real sure where to start. I guess anywhere is good. There is still anger, although not as much.  In yoga today I found myself struggling between pushing myself farther and staying within that "sweet discomfort."  Last couple days I've been feeling that some of my anger is coming from denial.  While it's healthy to have an attitude of my weight cannot hold me back from anything I want to do, it is also healthy to accept that RIGHT NOW there are some things I cannot do because of my weight., and that's also been the case in the past.  I get so angry when anyone offers me props during yoga or modifications.  Today the instructor gently laid a bolster in front of me making it available and said, "If you would like to use a bolster feel free to do so." I wanted to sling it across the room, then beat her with it when I came out of the pose. Acceptance. I've maintained a steady weightloss of 54 lbs for over 2 months now. I gently remind myself, it will come off in God's time, when I'm ready to deal with whatever is hiding under this part of my journey. However, this doesn't stop me from putting forth my effort! lol I'm so grateful to have not gained any weight throughout the holidays which was my goal. SO, anyways... back to my part, I'm back to logging everything I eat. I think what will help me the most is that completed log button at the bottom of the page when it says "If every day were like today..." It either gives me inspiration to do as I did THAT day, or not be so hard on myself because even on my "Bad" days, it's not as bad as I think it is. One day, or two for that matter, is not gonna make me stack back on 5 lbs... it's pretty much physically impossible.

 So with that being said.... I still don't feel like I hit any core issues, whatever. I'm ready to start loosing again. My mind has caught up with my body now, and it's time to keep moving....

Love & Light

Dottie

A Moment of Pure and Utter Unconditional Love of Self

I have never loved myself as much as I did today.  There was a moment of total and complete love of myself. A moment of unconditional love. Where I just wanted to hug myself and bask within my own being. Loving me fully, totally.... good, bad, indifferent. I fell in love with myself today. So hard it brought tears to my eyes. That moment is unexpressable in words, but I wanted to recognize that moment, and give my deepest gratitude.  :)

Namaste

Pounds of Anger

This morning my very first thoughts were about food. I've spent the last 2 days eating ridiculously, and there was a tinge of fear today hoping I could eat better.  Today is my day to weigh myself at the gym.  I weigh about once every week, and honestly I'm a bit apprehensive.  I been hovering around 265 lbs for about 5 weeks or so.  I'm a little frustrated, a little fearful, and ........ not sure. lol 

 I firmly believe the weight I carry on my physical body is a result of some emotional pain, an manifestation of my fears, my pain, and my attempts and making it hurt less, whatever itwas.  So as I continue to loose weight, I watch different things surface, different memories, different feelings, and I just allow them to surface and ask God to take them. I don't need them anymore, and they no longer serve me.  Lately it's been anger.  ALOT, of anger.  In years past I expressed my anger through physically hurting myself or others, I don't do that anymore.  I bottled up the anger, I "swollwed it and held onto it".... and slowly began to "weighing me down"  We really have no idea how true some of these sayings are that we say so often ;) Just listen to yourself.  I just heard "meditate through the pain"... I like to meditate.  My best friend the other day brought up an interesting poing.... it's like once the anger or pain hit my throat chakra (the space of voice, takling, expressing emotions etc) My physical body would literally hyperventilate and pass out.... so I stopped allowing it to get ot that poin because I didn't want to pass out.  I have to open that pathway again, to allow the anger to surface from gut where it usually starts, to heart, throat, third eye, and crown.... thus allowing God to remove it.  Interesting.  It all made perfect sense to me. I'm going to do that now actually......

Passion

What am I passionate about at this point in my life, right now?

I asked myself that question yesterday as I walked, because those passions have changed. I am passionate about connecting mind, body, and spirit.  About attaining goals, and helping others do the same.  I'm passionate about overcoming obstacles, and being a better person today than I was the day before. Yoga, I'm passionate about yoga, loosing weight, and being healthy.  About having the inside match the outside, and allowing fear to be merely a motivator for postitive change and nothing else.  I'm becoming an observer of life, of people.  I'm passionate about living a life of balance free of addictive behaviors. I'm passionate about cultivating an awareness that supercedes all that I've ever known. That just is, without explanation, and actually posses an elusiveness which makes it almost impossible to label, describe, or validate. Simplicity.
I like simplicity. Maybe because I don't allow much of it into my life, lol. :) I'm okay with that.

I also thought yesterday about doing things to elminate fear.  Like truly always doing my best, and everything that is expected of me say at my job or in school.... and it will eliminate much anxiety and fear.

Well, I think I got out all I needed too.... I'm going to study at bit now :)

Namaste

Stopped In My Tracks

After juggling the urge to indulge in ice cream for the last few hours I finally decided to go and get some (at 1:30 am).  I have shorts on tonight because it's pretty warm out for October in Michigan. I quietly put on my coat and grabbed my keys, as I slide the sliding door back and watched it close from the other side I thought, "This feels like I'm sneaking out to do something wrong."  In that moment I felt like a 15 year old girl sneaking out of her father's house, then caught a glimpse of myelf in the window.  I'm smaller now than I was at 15.  I looked at my legs, my waist, and my jaw line.  I asked myself if I REALLY wanted that 1000 calories of ice cream I was about to indulge in. I put my head down and kept walking... I noticed the temperature had dropped, and it was windy.  Within six feet of the envoy, slightly lit by the poarch light I stopped.  I stopped in my tracks, and felt tears well up in my eyes. I took a deep breath and asked myself what was I REALLY feeling that I was about to numb with food?  The answer was clear, I knew in my heart what it was, then I smiled and felt nothing but Love. In that instant of acknowleding I was chosing to ignore something, and a willingess to feel whatever it was.... it was felt only briefly then gone. Like I only felt it for a half a second as it passed through from somwhere inside of me where it was hiding then out. I had no thoughts of letting it go or releasing it, I was just willing to feel it and it was lifted before I could even put a label on it.  I turned around and faced the street, I watched the wind rustle the trees and just stood there in the middle of the driveway with nothing but peace and serenity in my heart.  I said aloud, "God." stood for several more minutes and said, "Thanks" with tears in my eyes I walked back into the house.

Mind Catching Up With Body

My mind is finally beginning to catch up to the physical changes my body has taken on.  Looking at myself in the mirror, in pictures, or catching glimpses of myself as I walk by a window I'm always a little bit surprised and usually say something along the lines of wow, I'm getting tiny. I'm not surprised as much anymore. There is periodic fear of I have this now, I don't want to loose it. However, I aknowledge I'm feeling it, but don't focus on it. As I was leaving the resturarnt I thought about how much easier it is for me to leave food now. I'ts not EASY persay, but it's doable.  There was a time where I would eat myself sick because I couldn't leave food on my plate, and now all though it takes me a few bites after I decide I'm full I can put that fork down. I think of the times I overeat, which lead to an entirely different set of circumstances of which I'm not ready to share.

What a miracle. There was a day when I felt absolutely compelled to finish every bite. The Yoga of Eating book is changing my life. By simply making a concious decision to watch and feel how I eat.... it has changed. I didn't try to change it, it just did. I didn't judge myself at all about the way I ate, I just watched myself eat. It's beautiful. My desire to share this with others is strong, but almost as if telling them is difficult. It just kind of naturally happens, and people really have a hard time wrapping thier heads around that. I reminded myself of the small steps I've taken thus far, of the progress I've made. Taking a breath and asking my body what it wants, what it needs. I remind myself sometimes, that I am in the smallest pant size I've been in sice I began wearing "woman" sizes.

I've been so distracted the entire time I've been writing this.  So I'll just end with this. I'm so grateful for this journey. Where I've been, Where I'm at, and Where I'm going.... God please continue to help me get to my goal weight and shed this pain I've carried for hears while building healthy boundries

Namaste
Dottie

Right Here, Right Now

"Is where we are now such a bad place to be?" - Karen Casey

My mantra if you will during my yoga session this morning.  I sat for a moment on my orange yoga mat, legs crossed with the sun shining on my face and asked myself, "Is where am at right now so bad?"  Never again will I be at THIS point in my journey.  My journey of life, self-discovery, point of attainment to my goals. NEVER again will I bet RIGHT here, with the Sun RIGHT there, with it this temperature, these thoughts, this specific time and date, etc... never.  I perfect, unique moment laid bare for the taking. For just a single moment of basking it it's perfectness.  A single moment of letting go. In that moment it's as if the world pours in those most beautiful energy into the core of the soul.  And when that moment is over, it's okay. Everything is okay. No need to be angry when the thoughts rush back, the attention is gone, and the world sets it. I stare out the window to a treah with tints of red, blowing in the breeze. It's simple presense makes me breath a little deeper and connect a little closer. 

My thoughts go to the things I'm focusing on the most right now in my life which are loosing weight, maintaing awareness and balance, and becoming an RN. Also, feeling my emotions, truly feeling them without judgement and allowing them to be.  I'll never be where I am right now, again. It is a journey. A beautiful journey. My weight loss journey has showed me things about myself I thought I had faced already. Drinking was but a symptom, eating was but a symptom, every personality characteristic has a deeper underylying fire that causes it to burn.  I want to know what feeds that fire.

I am so grateful for this journey. Within the pain lies the healing. I've spent my entire life inflicting physical pain, and avoiding the emotional and spiritual. Removing the phsycial, I have to feel the emotional and spiritual. But under that there is Love. That's what I want. I want to get to the Love. Where Love is all I feel, know, breath, am. I want to take others there. I want to take there hand and say, I've been there. I've done this, and that, and been through that too. I want to go out into the battlefeilds of life where people are so willingly fighting only themselves and pretending they are fighting everything else. I've been there. I'm not afraid to go back. It's like growing up to realize there really aren't monsters in your closet, therefore your not fraid to go in there anymore. There really AREN'T any battles to be fought, just Love. Just allowing that Love to surface, and stoping fighting It.

Love & Light
Dottie