I have never loved myself as much as I did today. There was a moment of total and complete love of myself. A moment of unconditional love. Where I just wanted to hug myself and bask within my own being. Loving me fully, totally.... good, bad, indifferent. I fell in love with myself today. So hard it brought tears to my eyes. That moment is unexpressable in words, but I wanted to recognize that moment, and give my deepest gratitude. :)
Namaste
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Pounds of Anger
This morning my very first thoughts were about food. I've spent the last 2 days eating ridiculously, and there was a tinge of fear today hoping I could eat better. Today is my day to weigh myself at the gym. I weigh about once every week, and honestly I'm a bit apprehensive. I been hovering around 265 lbs for about 5 weeks or so. I'm a little frustrated, a little fearful, and ........ not sure. lol
I firmly believe the weight I carry on my physical body is a result of some emotional pain, an manifestation of my fears, my pain, and my attempts and making it hurt less, whatever itwas. So as I continue to loose weight, I watch different things surface, different memories, different feelings, and I just allow them to surface and ask God to take them. I don't need them anymore, and they no longer serve me. Lately it's been anger. ALOT, of anger. In years past I expressed my anger through physically hurting myself or others, I don't do that anymore. I bottled up the anger, I "swollwed it and held onto it".... and slowly began to "weighing me down" We really have no idea how true some of these sayings are that we say so often ;) Just listen to yourself. I just heard "meditate through the pain"... I like to meditate. My best friend the other day brought up an interesting poing.... it's like once the anger or pain hit my throat chakra (the space of voice, takling, expressing emotions etc) My physical body would literally hyperventilate and pass out.... so I stopped allowing it to get ot that poin because I didn't want to pass out. I have to open that pathway again, to allow the anger to surface from gut where it usually starts, to heart, throat, third eye, and crown.... thus allowing God to remove it. Interesting. It all made perfect sense to me. I'm going to do that now actually......
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Passion
What am I passionate about at this point in my life, right now?
I asked myself that question yesterday as I walked, because those passions have changed. I am passionate about connecting mind, body, and spirit. About attaining goals, and helping others do the same. I'm passionate about overcoming obstacles, and being a better person today than I was the day before. Yoga, I'm passionate about yoga, loosing weight, and being healthy. About having the inside match the outside, and allowing fear to be merely a motivator for postitive change and nothing else. I'm becoming an observer of life, of people. I'm passionate about living a life of balance free of addictive behaviors. I'm passionate about cultivating an awareness that supercedes all that I've ever known. That just is, without explanation, and actually posses an elusiveness which makes it almost impossible to label, describe, or validate. Simplicity.
I like simplicity. Maybe because I don't allow much of it into my life, lol. :) I'm okay with that.
I also thought yesterday about doing things to elminate fear. Like truly always doing my best, and everything that is expected of me say at my job or in school.... and it will eliminate much anxiety and fear.
Well, I think I got out all I needed too.... I'm going to study at bit now :)
Namaste
I asked myself that question yesterday as I walked, because those passions have changed. I am passionate about connecting mind, body, and spirit. About attaining goals, and helping others do the same. I'm passionate about overcoming obstacles, and being a better person today than I was the day before. Yoga, I'm passionate about yoga, loosing weight, and being healthy. About having the inside match the outside, and allowing fear to be merely a motivator for postitive change and nothing else. I'm becoming an observer of life, of people. I'm passionate about living a life of balance free of addictive behaviors. I'm passionate about cultivating an awareness that supercedes all that I've ever known. That just is, without explanation, and actually posses an elusiveness which makes it almost impossible to label, describe, or validate. Simplicity.
I like simplicity. Maybe because I don't allow much of it into my life, lol. :) I'm okay with that.
I also thought yesterday about doing things to elminate fear. Like truly always doing my best, and everything that is expected of me say at my job or in school.... and it will eliminate much anxiety and fear.
Well, I think I got out all I needed too.... I'm going to study at bit now :)
Namaste
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Stopped In My Tracks
After juggling the urge to indulge in ice cream for the last few hours I finally decided to go and get some (at 1:30 am). I have shorts on tonight because it's pretty warm out for October in Michigan. I quietly put on my coat and grabbed my keys, as I slide the sliding door back and watched it close from the other side I thought, "This feels like I'm sneaking out to do something wrong." In that moment I felt like a 15 year old girl sneaking out of her father's house, then caught a glimpse of myelf in the window. I'm smaller now than I was at 15. I looked at my legs, my waist, and my jaw line. I asked myself if I REALLY wanted that 1000 calories of ice cream I was about to indulge in. I put my head down and kept walking... I noticed the temperature had dropped, and it was windy. Within six feet of the envoy, slightly lit by the poarch light I stopped. I stopped in my tracks, and felt tears well up in my eyes. I took a deep breath and asked myself what was I REALLY feeling that I was about to numb with food? The answer was clear, I knew in my heart what it was, then I smiled and felt nothing but Love. In that instant of acknowleding I was chosing to ignore something, and a willingess to feel whatever it was.... it was felt only briefly then gone. Like I only felt it for a half a second as it passed through from somwhere inside of me where it was hiding then out. I had no thoughts of letting it go or releasing it, I was just willing to feel it and it was lifted before I could even put a label on it. I turned around and faced the street, I watched the wind rustle the trees and just stood there in the middle of the driveway with nothing but peace and serenity in my heart. I said aloud, "God." stood for several more minutes and said, "Thanks" with tears in my eyes I walked back into the house.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Mind Catching Up With Body
My mind is finally beginning to catch up to the physical changes my body has taken on. Looking at myself in the mirror, in pictures, or catching glimpses of myself as I walk by a window I'm always a little bit surprised and usually say something along the lines of wow, I'm getting tiny. I'm not surprised as much anymore. There is periodic fear of I have this now, I don't want to loose it. However, I aknowledge I'm feeling it, but don't focus on it. As I was leaving the resturarnt I thought about how much easier it is for me to leave food now. I'ts not EASY persay, but it's doable. There was a time where I would eat myself sick because I couldn't leave food on my plate, and now all though it takes me a few bites after I decide I'm full I can put that fork down. I think of the times I overeat, which lead to an entirely different set of circumstances of which I'm not ready to share.
What a miracle. There was a day when I felt absolutely compelled to finish every bite. The Yoga of Eating book is changing my life. By simply making a concious decision to watch and feel how I eat.... it has changed. I didn't try to change it, it just did. I didn't judge myself at all about the way I ate, I just watched myself eat. It's beautiful. My desire to share this with others is strong, but almost as if telling them is difficult. It just kind of naturally happens, and people really have a hard time wrapping thier heads around that. I reminded myself of the small steps I've taken thus far, of the progress I've made. Taking a breath and asking my body what it wants, what it needs. I remind myself sometimes, that I am in the smallest pant size I've been in sice I began wearing "woman" sizes.
I've been so distracted the entire time I've been writing this. So I'll just end with this. I'm so grateful for this journey. Where I've been, Where I'm at, and Where I'm going.... God please continue to help me get to my goal weight and shed this pain I've carried for hears while building healthy boundries
Namaste
Dottie
What a miracle. There was a day when I felt absolutely compelled to finish every bite. The Yoga of Eating book is changing my life. By simply making a concious decision to watch and feel how I eat.... it has changed. I didn't try to change it, it just did. I didn't judge myself at all about the way I ate, I just watched myself eat. It's beautiful. My desire to share this with others is strong, but almost as if telling them is difficult. It just kind of naturally happens, and people really have a hard time wrapping thier heads around that. I reminded myself of the small steps I've taken thus far, of the progress I've made. Taking a breath and asking my body what it wants, what it needs. I remind myself sometimes, that I am in the smallest pant size I've been in sice I began wearing "woman" sizes.
I've been so distracted the entire time I've been writing this. So I'll just end with this. I'm so grateful for this journey. Where I've been, Where I'm at, and Where I'm going.... God please continue to help me get to my goal weight and shed this pain I've carried for hears while building healthy boundries
Namaste
Dottie
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Right Here, Right Now
"Is where we are now such a bad place to be?" - Karen Casey
My mantra if you will during my yoga session this morning. I sat for a moment on my orange yoga mat, legs crossed with the sun shining on my face and asked myself, "Is where am at right now so bad?" Never again will I be at THIS point in my journey. My journey of life, self-discovery, point of attainment to my goals. NEVER again will I bet RIGHT here, with the Sun RIGHT there, with it this temperature, these thoughts, this specific time and date, etc... never. I perfect, unique moment laid bare for the taking. For just a single moment of basking it it's perfectness. A single moment of letting go. In that moment it's as if the world pours in those most beautiful energy into the core of the soul. And when that moment is over, it's okay. Everything is okay. No need to be angry when the thoughts rush back, the attention is gone, and the world sets it. I stare out the window to a treah with tints of red, blowing in the breeze. It's simple presense makes me breath a little deeper and connect a little closer.
My thoughts go to the things I'm focusing on the most right now in my life which are loosing weight, maintaing awareness and balance, and becoming an RN. Also, feeling my emotions, truly feeling them without judgement and allowing them to be. I'll never be where I am right now, again. It is a journey. A beautiful journey. My weight loss journey has showed me things about myself I thought I had faced already. Drinking was but a symptom, eating was but a symptom, every personality characteristic has a deeper underylying fire that causes it to burn. I want to know what feeds that fire.
I am so grateful for this journey. Within the pain lies the healing. I've spent my entire life inflicting physical pain, and avoiding the emotional and spiritual. Removing the phsycial, I have to feel the emotional and spiritual. But under that there is Love. That's what I want. I want to get to the Love. Where Love is all I feel, know, breath, am. I want to take others there. I want to take there hand and say, I've been there. I've done this, and that, and been through that too. I want to go out into the battlefeilds of life where people are so willingly fighting only themselves and pretending they are fighting everything else. I've been there. I'm not afraid to go back. It's like growing up to realize there really aren't monsters in your closet, therefore your not fraid to go in there anymore. There really AREN'T any battles to be fought, just Love. Just allowing that Love to surface, and stoping fighting It.
Love & Light
Dottie
My mantra if you will during my yoga session this morning. I sat for a moment on my orange yoga mat, legs crossed with the sun shining on my face and asked myself, "Is where am at right now so bad?" Never again will I be at THIS point in my journey. My journey of life, self-discovery, point of attainment to my goals. NEVER again will I bet RIGHT here, with the Sun RIGHT there, with it this temperature, these thoughts, this specific time and date, etc... never. I perfect, unique moment laid bare for the taking. For just a single moment of basking it it's perfectness. A single moment of letting go. In that moment it's as if the world pours in those most beautiful energy into the core of the soul. And when that moment is over, it's okay. Everything is okay. No need to be angry when the thoughts rush back, the attention is gone, and the world sets it. I stare out the window to a treah with tints of red, blowing in the breeze. It's simple presense makes me breath a little deeper and connect a little closer.
My thoughts go to the things I'm focusing on the most right now in my life which are loosing weight, maintaing awareness and balance, and becoming an RN. Also, feeling my emotions, truly feeling them without judgement and allowing them to be. I'll never be where I am right now, again. It is a journey. A beautiful journey. My weight loss journey has showed me things about myself I thought I had faced already. Drinking was but a symptom, eating was but a symptom, every personality characteristic has a deeper underylying fire that causes it to burn. I want to know what feeds that fire.
I am so grateful for this journey. Within the pain lies the healing. I've spent my entire life inflicting physical pain, and avoiding the emotional and spiritual. Removing the phsycial, I have to feel the emotional and spiritual. But under that there is Love. That's what I want. I want to get to the Love. Where Love is all I feel, know, breath, am. I want to take others there. I want to take there hand and say, I've been there. I've done this, and that, and been through that too. I want to go out into the battlefeilds of life where people are so willingly fighting only themselves and pretending they are fighting everything else. I've been there. I'm not afraid to go back. It's like growing up to realize there really aren't monsters in your closet, therefore your not fraid to go in there anymore. There really AREN'T any battles to be fought, just Love. Just allowing that Love to surface, and stoping fighting It.
Love & Light
Dottie
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Unrealistic Expectations Rambled
Good morning!
I intended to get up at 7:30 for my favorite yoga class and ended up hitting snooze so many times I could have cared less about going. I was tired and cranky by this point. Yet, when I DID wake up I was fairly angry at myself for missing it! As I laid in my bed pouting and trying to NOT be angry at myself I heard the words "Unrealistic Expectations."
I decided to really look at that phrase for a few moments today and feel what it meant to me. My intial question to myself was do I have unrelalistic expectations of myself, and my intial response was "yes." I just had this feeling of kicking myself in the ass because I didn't go to yoga this morning, ugh... moving along. I am not a morning person, I know this, yet I set my alarm to get up at 7:15am? After falling asleep a little after 1am? I knew I wasn't going to get up. Then my question becomes, did I know I wasn't going to get up? or did I create the situation of not getting up at 7:15am because I had made the decision the night before that I wasn't going to?
Unrealistic expectations also makes me think of the term "extremeist" which I very much am which is okay because it has it's good aspects too, I really believe even the qualities we deem as "terrible" have certain situations where they wold be useful. So what now? I seem to not have much to say about Unrealistic expectations, maybe it's something I need to give thought to throughout the day, as I go about my day.
My thoughts right now are about having a routine of some kind in the morning. 10:30 feels like an appropriate wake time which I would like to incorporate on the days don't do yoga. I've been trying the make a daily schedule thing, which isn't working out to great for me right now, seems to just be kind of there. Routine wise I've thought about praying, breakfast, blogging over tea, yoga and/or walking, then my day.... I'd like that to the start to my day EVERYDAY. Let's give myself a goal of doing it for 4 days. I almost said a week, but I heard "unrealistic expectations" in my head, lol. The Universe knows me well :) I need to figure out how long all of this takes roughly. It's 11:30 now and I've been up since about 10:40 I believe. So, maybe two hours before I need to start getting ready to go somewhere? So if I get ready for work at 1pm, getting up at 10:30 is perfect, actually gives me an extra 30 min. We'll see how this works for the next four days. I'm gonna go ahead and jot this down. I'd guess on the days I don't have to work I don't really need to be up at 10:30? Give myself a little leadway. Tommorrow I have class so it appears two hours to get read and get there would put me at 11:30, so 2 hours to do my routine would put me at 9:30am. Doable? I think so :). There is a thought there, almost a fear of developing OCD tendencies. lol, wow, there's my extreme's again. I either think I have to have NO schedule or be OCD about my schedule, lol... it does make me laugh a bit.
I've made my schedule out for the next two days, but I don't even know where to start for Saturday and Sunday! lol I'm like should I just get up at 10:30 to keep things kosher or wake up whenever and THEN do my routine, it can be more relaxed because it's the weekend right? Sure. Oh look at that, there aren't even any times on my weekend calender. Good. SHIT. Yin Yoga is tomorrow... and I really want to go! Guess I have to put that in my schedule lol... OMG I'm gonna drive myself nuts. No I'm not. For whatever reason I'm getting excited, lol.
I think blogging everyday will help me sort through the shit within my head, and focus better. I need to explore how not going to yoga this morning REALLY makes me feel, becuase I keep thinking of it and thinkg UGH fuck. I feel dissppointment, anger, frustration. It reminds me of all those other times I wanted to get up earlier and didn't. Feel irresponsible, lazy... makes me think of my father yelling at me "what are you gonna sleep all day? Get up." But I'm an adult now, I make my own decisions. Sleeping all day IS a choice for me, however, doing so strikes guilt and fear, like I'm waiting on SOMEONE to yell at me.
Seems it's now time for me to get moving this morning.... ;)
Love & Light
Dottie
I intended to get up at 7:30 for my favorite yoga class and ended up hitting snooze so many times I could have cared less about going. I was tired and cranky by this point. Yet, when I DID wake up I was fairly angry at myself for missing it! As I laid in my bed pouting and trying to NOT be angry at myself I heard the words "Unrealistic Expectations."
I decided to really look at that phrase for a few moments today and feel what it meant to me. My intial question to myself was do I have unrelalistic expectations of myself, and my intial response was "yes." I just had this feeling of kicking myself in the ass because I didn't go to yoga this morning, ugh... moving along. I am not a morning person, I know this, yet I set my alarm to get up at 7:15am? After falling asleep a little after 1am? I knew I wasn't going to get up. Then my question becomes, did I know I wasn't going to get up? or did I create the situation of not getting up at 7:15am because I had made the decision the night before that I wasn't going to?
Unrealistic expectations also makes me think of the term "extremeist" which I very much am which is okay because it has it's good aspects too, I really believe even the qualities we deem as "terrible" have certain situations where they wold be useful. So what now? I seem to not have much to say about Unrealistic expectations, maybe it's something I need to give thought to throughout the day, as I go about my day.
My thoughts right now are about having a routine of some kind in the morning. 10:30 feels like an appropriate wake time which I would like to incorporate on the days don't do yoga. I've been trying the make a daily schedule thing, which isn't working out to great for me right now, seems to just be kind of there. Routine wise I've thought about praying, breakfast, blogging over tea, yoga and/or walking, then my day.... I'd like that to the start to my day EVERYDAY. Let's give myself a goal of doing it for 4 days. I almost said a week, but I heard "unrealistic expectations" in my head, lol. The Universe knows me well :) I need to figure out how long all of this takes roughly. It's 11:30 now and I've been up since about 10:40 I believe. So, maybe two hours before I need to start getting ready to go somewhere? So if I get ready for work at 1pm, getting up at 10:30 is perfect, actually gives me an extra 30 min. We'll see how this works for the next four days. I'm gonna go ahead and jot this down. I'd guess on the days I don't have to work I don't really need to be up at 10:30? Give myself a little leadway. Tommorrow I have class so it appears two hours to get read and get there would put me at 11:30, so 2 hours to do my routine would put me at 9:30am. Doable? I think so :). There is a thought there, almost a fear of developing OCD tendencies. lol, wow, there's my extreme's again. I either think I have to have NO schedule or be OCD about my schedule, lol... it does make me laugh a bit.
I've made my schedule out for the next two days, but I don't even know where to start for Saturday and Sunday! lol I'm like should I just get up at 10:30 to keep things kosher or wake up whenever and THEN do my routine, it can be more relaxed because it's the weekend right? Sure. Oh look at that, there aren't even any times on my weekend calender. Good. SHIT. Yin Yoga is tomorrow... and I really want to go! Guess I have to put that in my schedule lol... OMG I'm gonna drive myself nuts. No I'm not. For whatever reason I'm getting excited, lol.
I think blogging everyday will help me sort through the shit within my head, and focus better. I need to explore how not going to yoga this morning REALLY makes me feel, becuase I keep thinking of it and thinkg UGH fuck. I feel dissppointment, anger, frustration. It reminds me of all those other times I wanted to get up earlier and didn't. Feel irresponsible, lazy... makes me think of my father yelling at me "what are you gonna sleep all day? Get up." But I'm an adult now, I make my own decisions. Sleeping all day IS a choice for me, however, doing so strikes guilt and fear, like I'm waiting on SOMEONE to yell at me.
Seems it's now time for me to get moving this morning.... ;)
Love & Light
Dottie
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Awareness & Willingness
Awareness & willingness. The only two things needed to change something in your life. I sit here void of emotion, which is not uncommon for me. I do have the ability to make myself feel anything I desire, but rarely do my emotions bubble outward beyond my control. I can be happy, mad, grateful, etc at the drop of a hat. I've hit a plateau with my weight, I've hit a peak with my binging and purging, and I drank like a fish 4 days ago. I want to know what's there. What is lurking just under the surface I can feel, but not see yet? It's too close for comfort that's for sure.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Meeting My Body
Good morning!
I'm so happy to be sitting here with my tea and preparing to blog. A very beautiful thing happened during yoga today. I found myself extremely angry when holding the poses, a few tears fell, and all I kept hearing in my head is I'm not feeling very flexible today. I was becoming angry at my body because I could go much farther into the pose just a week or so ago, angry because my mind wouldn't push me through it, and ready to just throw that fucking boppy support pillow acrooss the room. I was telling myself it's okay, sometimes things in yoga come up, but I kept getting more and more pissed. My teacher said to be the observer of any thoughts or emotions that arose... and so I did. I laid my head on the support pillow and asked myself what was really wrong. There was a shift within that moment. I felt a connection to my body open up like never before. I felt guilt because I had been ingesting poisen for 3 days. I thought of my relapse, the Sonic I ate the night before, the Thin Mints I ate and threw up before I drank. I had been very hurtful to my body, and felt guilt. It was like I had hurt my best friend. I apologized and I cried as I sat in my dragon pose.
Upon deeper reflection I discovered a few more things. I had begun to not trust my body. I allowed the impatience of my ego to talk me into taking an amphetemine appetite suppressant (although I had lost almost 50 lbs on my own over the last year simply through diet changes, excercise, yoga, hypnotherapy, and acupuncture) I took the pills knowing all to well what it would do to my body... speed up my heartrate, decrease my sleep, potentially (and likely) to increase my anxiety, deplete my body of potassium because of the potent diuretic that goes along with taking the amphetemine to counter-act the tendencies to raise the HR and BP. Coming from someone who DESPISES taking any kind of pill, this was more than counter-productive. It was a direct blow at my integrity and core beliefs that I have embraced over several years. I justified my actions by telling a couple people I KNEW would tell me it was okay, and keep myself working out and making good food choices. If I continued to do all THAT, then I was only using it as a tool right?! (Please note the sarcasm) Three days before my relapse, I got out of bed and passed out smashing my head on the metal clothes hamper and causing me to go to the hospital... what was the culprit? Severe dehydration.... the cause of the dehydration? The pills I was taking to suppress my appetite. FUCK. I was ashamed, embarrased. I felt hypocritical and unworthy of the love and concern of those who cared about me. Especially when both of them sitting next to me in the ER were shocked and angry.
Since deciding to no longer take the pills, I've spent the last several days sleeping. My body needed rest to re-balance itself out. It was artifical energized for about 5 weeks, and now it was tired. More fully realizing the distress I caused on my body, and energy filled I was filled with anger and sadness. I spent all day Sunday (2 days post collapse) crying and sleeping, by midnight Sun/Mon I was drinking. AFTER I spent a couple hours yelling at the man I'm in love with about how much it hurts that he doesn't love me back (which is TOTAL BS, lol PLEASE see previous blog about Falling in Love With What Is for further clarification on that one!) :)
Love is the only thing that is real and what heals. Love is all there is. God is Love. (With all the being said, and not to go into my whole schpeel on Love) ... I realized on the way home how many of my actions, leading up to this very moment where based upon fear (the OPPOSITE of Love) and not Love. (Fear and Love cannot co-exist, they are opposits of each other, like how in the presence of light, darkness doesn't exist.) ANYWAYS... The decision to get the diet pills in the first place was a fear based decision because I was afraid of the plateau I had hit, and the potential of it causing me to gain a few pounds. My decision to express feelings of pain, longing, and hurt to this man were also out of fear. Fear of me seeing what was REALLY the issue. Along with, my choosing to withold Love from him and myself. Because at this point I was not allowing myself to be my truest nature, which is Love. I was denying myself the allowance to be what I was, thus causing pain and me projecting it onto someone else. I had denied Love the access to healing me on all levels... thus creating a vaccum effect and allowing fear and self-destruction to run rampat and me to drink myself into a stupor. Multiplying the guilt I had already felt for binging and purging on food and putting my body through the amphetemine high and detox. I was spent.
Today is 6 days post collapse. Finally, today I feel balanced and peaceful. So here I sit knowing in my being that there are no mistakes, every event was a stepping stone in bringing me to this moment. Because of what I've put myself through over the last few months, I've develped a closer and keener relationship with my body. I'm excited. Being this in-tune with my body will allow me to instinctively know what my body needs. I can then eat accordingly, and decipher caloric needs from emotional feeding. I'm drinking my Yogi tea (which I've not done because I was to AFRAID of putting anything more energizing into my body) Today, I chose Love. I gave myself permission to feel that which I truly am. I didn't deny myself the Love that will allow me to heal on all levels because of any feelings of guilt, unworthiness, or anger. Those feelings aren't real anyway. They are only an absence of Love, as darkness is an absence of Light. Therefore, just allowing myself to feel Love, all those other feelings dissipate. I forgave myself for hurting myself... for disrupting my energetic balance, for ingesting toxins into my physical body, and for being fallible, being human, because sometimes I like to deny that too.
I laid there in that dragon pose today and was introduced to my body. It was like FINALLY introducing yourself to that new face around the office for almost 6 months, knowing their name, what they do... but never actually MEETING them, never actually introducing yourself. There's like a timid awkwardness to that. Although it IS possible to communicate with that person, it's not through a direct means, and uses more time and energy than necessary. Today, we established a direct connection. Myself and my body. We met, and it was beautiful <3
Namaste'
Dottie
I'm so happy to be sitting here with my tea and preparing to blog. A very beautiful thing happened during yoga today. I found myself extremely angry when holding the poses, a few tears fell, and all I kept hearing in my head is I'm not feeling very flexible today. I was becoming angry at my body because I could go much farther into the pose just a week or so ago, angry because my mind wouldn't push me through it, and ready to just throw that fucking boppy support pillow acrooss the room. I was telling myself it's okay, sometimes things in yoga come up, but I kept getting more and more pissed. My teacher said to be the observer of any thoughts or emotions that arose... and so I did. I laid my head on the support pillow and asked myself what was really wrong. There was a shift within that moment. I felt a connection to my body open up like never before. I felt guilt because I had been ingesting poisen for 3 days. I thought of my relapse, the Sonic I ate the night before, the Thin Mints I ate and threw up before I drank. I had been very hurtful to my body, and felt guilt. It was like I had hurt my best friend. I apologized and I cried as I sat in my dragon pose.
Upon deeper reflection I discovered a few more things. I had begun to not trust my body. I allowed the impatience of my ego to talk me into taking an amphetemine appetite suppressant (although I had lost almost 50 lbs on my own over the last year simply through diet changes, excercise, yoga, hypnotherapy, and acupuncture) I took the pills knowing all to well what it would do to my body... speed up my heartrate, decrease my sleep, potentially (and likely) to increase my anxiety, deplete my body of potassium because of the potent diuretic that goes along with taking the amphetemine to counter-act the tendencies to raise the HR and BP. Coming from someone who DESPISES taking any kind of pill, this was more than counter-productive. It was a direct blow at my integrity and core beliefs that I have embraced over several years. I justified my actions by telling a couple people I KNEW would tell me it was okay, and keep myself working out and making good food choices. If I continued to do all THAT, then I was only using it as a tool right?! (Please note the sarcasm) Three days before my relapse, I got out of bed and passed out smashing my head on the metal clothes hamper and causing me to go to the hospital... what was the culprit? Severe dehydration.... the cause of the dehydration? The pills I was taking to suppress my appetite. FUCK. I was ashamed, embarrased. I felt hypocritical and unworthy of the love and concern of those who cared about me. Especially when both of them sitting next to me in the ER were shocked and angry.
Since deciding to no longer take the pills, I've spent the last several days sleeping. My body needed rest to re-balance itself out. It was artifical energized for about 5 weeks, and now it was tired. More fully realizing the distress I caused on my body, and energy filled I was filled with anger and sadness. I spent all day Sunday (2 days post collapse) crying and sleeping, by midnight Sun/Mon I was drinking. AFTER I spent a couple hours yelling at the man I'm in love with about how much it hurts that he doesn't love me back (which is TOTAL BS, lol PLEASE see previous blog about Falling in Love With What Is for further clarification on that one!) :)
Love is the only thing that is real and what heals. Love is all there is. God is Love. (With all the being said, and not to go into my whole schpeel on Love) ... I realized on the way home how many of my actions, leading up to this very moment where based upon fear (the OPPOSITE of Love) and not Love. (Fear and Love cannot co-exist, they are opposits of each other, like how in the presence of light, darkness doesn't exist.) ANYWAYS... The decision to get the diet pills in the first place was a fear based decision because I was afraid of the plateau I had hit, and the potential of it causing me to gain a few pounds. My decision to express feelings of pain, longing, and hurt to this man were also out of fear. Fear of me seeing what was REALLY the issue. Along with, my choosing to withold Love from him and myself. Because at this point I was not allowing myself to be my truest nature, which is Love. I was denying myself the allowance to be what I was, thus causing pain and me projecting it onto someone else. I had denied Love the access to healing me on all levels... thus creating a vaccum effect and allowing fear and self-destruction to run rampat and me to drink myself into a stupor. Multiplying the guilt I had already felt for binging and purging on food and putting my body through the amphetemine high and detox. I was spent.
Today is 6 days post collapse. Finally, today I feel balanced and peaceful. So here I sit knowing in my being that there are no mistakes, every event was a stepping stone in bringing me to this moment. Because of what I've put myself through over the last few months, I've develped a closer and keener relationship with my body. I'm excited. Being this in-tune with my body will allow me to instinctively know what my body needs. I can then eat accordingly, and decipher caloric needs from emotional feeding. I'm drinking my Yogi tea (which I've not done because I was to AFRAID of putting anything more energizing into my body) Today, I chose Love. I gave myself permission to feel that which I truly am. I didn't deny myself the Love that will allow me to heal on all levels because of any feelings of guilt, unworthiness, or anger. Those feelings aren't real anyway. They are only an absence of Love, as darkness is an absence of Light. Therefore, just allowing myself to feel Love, all those other feelings dissipate. I forgave myself for hurting myself... for disrupting my energetic balance, for ingesting toxins into my physical body, and for being fallible, being human, because sometimes I like to deny that too.
I laid there in that dragon pose today and was introduced to my body. It was like FINALLY introducing yourself to that new face around the office for almost 6 months, knowing their name, what they do... but never actually MEETING them, never actually introducing yourself. There's like a timid awkwardness to that. Although it IS possible to communicate with that person, it's not through a direct means, and uses more time and energy than necessary. Today, we established a direct connection. Myself and my body. We met, and it was beautiful <3
Namaste'
Dottie
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Falling In Love With Myself
For the first time in a LONG LONG time I walked into my room and thought "Today was a good day" for a brief moment I remembered what it was like to not think about what I SHOULD be doing, what I NEEDED to do, what I was GOING to do.... everything was quiet and still, and it was amazing. I smiled and took a deep breathe. Now, that has very little to do with weight loss, yes, but I really needed a moment like that, I was SO grateful and wanted to share it.
For the past several weeks I've decided to fall in love with myself. To love myself as I love my best friend, my brother, my mother... or whoever, that unconditional love. There are SO many things I have done to myself I would never even think about doing to my best friend, so why did I do them to me? Because obviously I didn''t love myself, lol, I may say I do, and you probably think I do as much as I smile and laugh and bring joy to others, but I did not love myself the way I deserved to be loved. That unconditional, I'll do anything to help you be a better person or to take away your pain kind of love, the kind I offer to SO many ppl in my life, yet have denied it to myself for years. People who truly love themselves do not do things they KNOW will harm themselves. This is called self-destructive behaviors and I've done my fair share.. drinking excessively, smoking for years, cutting, having unprotected sex with one night stands, eating and eating until I weight over 300 lbs. Obviously, I did'nt like who I was, yet I kept reaching outward for a solution to an inward problem, I never found it. It wasn't until I went inward and tapped into a place I didn't even know was there... and began to fall in love with myself. The day I decided I was worth it, was the day I decided to do something. That day was in March of 2008, when I gave my doctor the okay to admit me into rehab. Over these last 2 years I've not picked up a single drink or drug, I've stopped smoking, and I've lost over 40lbs. I'm becoming someone I'm proud of, someone I love and I enjoy being alone with. When your okay being alone in solitude, thought, and writing... your on the right path. I still have a ways to go, about 120 lbs to be exact... and only God knows what else my journey holds for me. I know that everyday, I'm making a decision to love myself a little more. To be gentle with me, to tell myself it's okay, just dont' give up, the same things I'd tell someone else that I love so dearly. No matter how slow the progess, if I just keep pushing forward, good things will come. It may not be what *I* expected it to be... but in the grand scheme of things... it will be for my highest good, I believe that. if I didn't... I'd be pretty disappointed pretty regularly. It seems noting is as good as we expect it to be, and nothing is as bad as we expected it to be either. I think the solution to that is to let go of the outcome, and let the Universe make it better than you could have ever imagined. I take my weight loss journey one day at a time... and let the universe take care of the end result.
Today was a good day. I pushed myself for myself. I started and ended my day with a workout. I ran went I wanted to stop, and watched the sweat drip from my face as I did push ups... and I smiled. I was proud. It felt so fucking good. I'm falling in love with myself, because I'm the only person that can stop me from being who I want to be, period. I don't want to stand in my own way anymore.
Namaste
Sunday, January 17, 2010
OMG Hypnotherapy
So I've seen a hypnotherapist twice in the last two weeks regarding my weight loss. Our goals are to help me not be a compulsive eater of things, ESPECIALLY JUNK. Both session focused on different aspects but LET ME TELL YOU... I have noticed MANY things beginning to change. ONE: I have been eating slower. TWO: I used to LOVE breads... one of the hardest things to not eat... the last 2 days I've not only AVOIDED the breadstics served at dinner here at work but also dug the white noodels out of my soup! I have NO desire for any simple carbohydrates or refined flours. I want to "PIG OUT" yesterday and couldn't get enough squash, zucchini, and artichoke hearts! LOL TOO FUNNY... I'm so excited and so grateful. ALSO there has been a chocolate brownie in the medroom for 3 days that I have YET to even seriously consider eating... these are HUGE changes. I need to call my hypnotherapist and let hinm know, this is soooooo amazing. Okay, well back to work lol Blessings to all on your journey to being healthier :)
Love & Light
Thursday, January 7, 2010
The Tears Just Keep Falling
I have been crying for the last hour. I feel it is a purging of pain, that I have literally carried on my body for the last 19 years. Writing that line makes the tears fall even more. So many of us are aware that there ARE deeper issues that are keeping us overweight, yet so many of us are so afraid to face them. A little over a week ago, after I had started at 319... got to 288... then back to 306... I said, ok God, I'm willing to do whatever it takes... let's sift througth this mess, this baggage that I have refused to let go of for YEARS... I was scared, so scared. I just prayed and asked God to hold my hand, keep my faith strong, and walk me through this. I went and got hypnotized on Monday, and WOW. I can see slight changes in my eating habits, I'm going back next Monday, but to be put under and hear that part of me that refuses to stop self-destructing was mind-blowing. I am dying. I am eating myself to death. It was the strangest thing, I got below 290 and went in total self-destruction mode, because I wasn't ready to let go of that pain. I am now. I can't keep doing this. I want to run, I want to get married, and have kids, I want to fit into roller coasters, I want to expierence dating. I want to be free of my self-made fortress. I thought the journey of alcohol sobriety was rough, hmph... that was just to prepare me for this. Because I HAVE TO EAT.... I just have to learn how. What do I want right now, I guess to keep crying, to keep purging, to crawl in bed and know that it doesn't feel amazing right now to let go of the shit I've been carrying, but tommorrow, I'll feel better. My own expierences have proven time and time again that change IS uncomfortable, it's painful, and yeah it sucks a lot sometimes.... but when we get through the storm... it's breathtaking, the sights, the sounds, the feelings, it's all breathtaking. I'm gonna see that, when I close my eyes tonight no matter how many tears are rolling down my face, I'm going to see 1 6 0 ........ and I'm gonna cling to that faith that God is clinging to me and carrying through this change like he has ever other one before this....
Love & LIght
Dottie
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