First Blog Ever

My name is Dottie, and I'm addicted to food.

I remember just under 18 months ago when I first uttered the words, "My name is Dottie and I'm an alcoholic." Those emotions I felt then, are all here now. That loss of control, that compulsion, the guilt, the fatigue, the tears that want to fall but won't come. It's all here now. I remember many nights of crying and begging God not to let me let go, to just not let me pick up the first drink. That only difference now, is that I have to eat. I can't just avoid the food aisle at Meijers like I do the booze aisle. I can't just NOT hang out with "wet faces" or not go to "wet places." We all have to eat. The trick apparently is to learn to eat in moderation, to fuel your body with wholesome foods that will allow me to function at my highest level. Today I had done okay, then I felt like I was starving and ate a bowl of soup and quite a few sunchips. I'm trying to be proud of myself for not hitting the ice cream, or the frozen pizza. The tears are falling now. I am proud of myself and find gratitude in how far I've come already. I've lost 17lbs since June 19, 2009, but this shit is hard. Just like not drinking was. In AA they say that everyday gets better, I'm applying that philosophy here, I may take a few steps back every now and then, but I wil continue to progress, I have to hold onto that. I want to be healthier. I want ot be a runner. I know that I can do ANYTHING I've ever dreamed of with God's help, and some effort on my part. Of course, that addict inside of me wants everything now, not even now, yesterday would have been better. I have faith. I believe that if I hold the intention that I will become lean and healthy, I will. I ask the Angels to remove any fear I have on a daily basis. Qutting drinking, was hard, but so worth it. I know this will be too. Why am I crying right now? Because I'm taking that first step... and not only that I am becoming humble, by writing this where the world can read it, I am learning humility. Much of my weight issues come from beliefs I've held since childhood that I had to be big to protect myself, my brother, and my mother. I think all "dis-eases" have a spiritual root/cause. My weight is no different. It's funny how these days when I have a bad day, a drink doesn't cross my mind, but there is a relentless urge to grab a pizza and chocolate milk and eat myself sick. lol I just had the thought to journal here, and get down to the real issue when I want to compulsively eat. I'm getting back in the habit of walking everyday, and I'm going to see my trainer tommorrow. I've never tried this hard before, I've never wanted it this bad. Holistic medicine means so much to me, and I'm so involved in it. I want this more than I've ever wanted it. I believe it will increase my intuitive and healing abilities, and give others hope. This for me, really is a change in lifestyle. I want to get to the point where I'm running everyday. My short term goal is 292 by October 1st... and 219 by July 2010. only 83 more lbs to go!!!! :D God please grant me all the things I need to overcome yet another addiction... for all those that may be reading this... Good luck and God bless ;)

 Love & LIght

Dottie