We Admitted We Were Powerless Over Food

The first step.  They say this is the only step we have to get right.  There is no right way to do the others, only this one. A true, heartfelt admitance of a powerlessness over food, and they it makes my life unmanagable. I gave up booze, and pills, I can give this up too. Somedays are easy, and I don't crave or obsess, but others are harder.  An obsessive desire or craving comes over me and I have to eat it.  I will think about whatever food it is for quite a while until I get it. Why does this seem so hard? Why am I relecutant to write about this?  I am ashamed.  I find it ridiculous that I will sit and eat an entire box of oreo cookies, because I need some form of comfort. I'm angry. I've spent the last 18 months of my life working like crazy to maintain sobriety and work a good, honest program, and now.... now I have to deal with this. Another addiction. I'm a fucking addict... and so many times I hate it. The powerlessness comes when I'll spend money I don't have on food, because I'm craving that pizza, or sushi, or whatever. The powerlessness comes when *I* CANNOT stop myself from compulsively eating... like I go in full blown addict mode and eat anything I can possible get my hands on, whether I like the way it tastes or not. Last night I ate a bowl of rice and chiken I didn't even like!  But I COULD NOT bring myself to put down that fucking spoon.  It's frustrating. With alcohol I can just avoid the shit... I have to eat. So where is that medium? I wouldn't fucking know, I'm an addict!  Everything I do is extreme, I have no idea what the grey area even looks like when it comes to my acitons.  The unmanagablity part comes when I'm late for work because I "have" to have that Tim Horton's or McDonald's.  Also, when I'm hiding in the nurses office eating at work so no one will interrupt me! I get so angry when I'm eating and some family member comes up to me and says that a patient needs something, and when I get up to do it, I obsesses over my food that is wherever the hell I left it.  I don't heat my foods too much, because it doesn't allow me to woof down my food like I want to do. I can't keep living like this, it interfere's with my life.  If I'm at a meeting or someone's house, I don't want to be the first one to eat, but I'll anxiously wait until someone else does.  I get all ansy because I want it, but don't want to seem to eager. I cannot imagine fasting, for any reason.... I'm just like OH NO WAY... I just cannot seem to imagine what that would be like. I've seriously contemplated OA meetings... but I fear being addicted to those! It's ridiculous. At this point in my recovery, when I have a bad day I don't think about drinking, I think about eating a whole Digorno pizza and half gallon of chocolate milk.  It produces almost a euphoric state.... I'm miserably full, and that becomes the focus of my attention, not whatever I was trying to eat away.  Things I have done that tell me I'm addicted to food:  Eating the middle out of the bologna when I made my little brother's sandwiches as a kid, eating my pregnant roomates frozen whit castle sandwiches when she distinctly told me not too, eating a whole bag of my uncles chips and having to replace them, stealing food off my resident's plates when I'm feeding them, eating food that doesn't even taste good... just to be eating,  hiding food and wrappers from fast food restuarnts, ordering so much food that I know I can't eat but force myself to do so. The list goes on. I don't want to be like that anymore. I'm definately taking steps to overcome this, but some nights like tonight, and like so many others I had when recovering from alcohol, I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm ashamed. I'm scared... what is going to be revealed next? What am I going to give up next? I guess that's where the one day at a time comes in. I've given up the drugs and alcohol, but I'm yet to give up the smoking. I'm working on the sex and cutting, both are getting much better. I am powerless over food once I begin eating when I know I'm not hungry, and my obsessiveness makes my life unmanagable. I'm just going to have to ask God for help every single day, and when I feel that urge to eat compulsively ask God to remove it.  He removed my obsession to drink, it's gone. I never thought that would happen, but he has. So yes, I have hope. With these 12 steps and God and working a solid program, I can become powerful... I can overcome yet another addiction... I'm tired of eating myself to death