I'm a little uneasy at this moment. Almost as if I'm becoming obsessed with excercising, watching and writing down what I eat, and obessessing over whether or not *I* feel I did well that day. There is a fear that this could be my next addiction... not only to food but everything around it. How much fiber does it have? When's the last time I ate? What can I eat before work? Then I think, it's alright, I lived and breathed AA for the first SEVERAL months... and that's what I needed to do to stop myself from drinking. I didn't wake up until 3 o'clock this afternoon, ate a bowl of oatmeal and went straight to Mandy's family get-together. I knew I was going to eat quite a bit of food, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was at 11 calories under my daily goal. As soon as I got home, I logged it all then went for a 30 min walk, even though it was 10:30 at night, I felt I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't do SOMETHING. I get home, relieved, proud of myself... the day was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be... then the test came. Uncle Keith had brought me some quesadillas home from Chili's.... my heart sank, I wanted to cry. I peeked at them, said thanks and went to the bathroom. I sat there and realized I felt obligated to eat it, but why? My thoughts went to my childhood, my father, his obscene anitcs of making sure we ate everything on our plates, and making me finish my plate even if I was full, my mother saying here we just have a little bit left why don't you eat it? I wasn't hungry but I ate it, because my mother through it on my plate, and God forbid I left something on it!!! Then I thought, nope I'm not going to eat those quesadillas I'm going to put them in the fridge for tommorrow, and just tell my uncle I'm not hungry at all, but thank you. Next came the mistake.... I thought I'll try just one. HA! Since WHEN does ANY addict have JUST ONE OF ANYTHING!?!?!?! In AA they say that "one is two many, and a thousand is never enought." - how true that is. And it was delicious, steack with jalapeno's.... so I sat in the living room and decided, one more.... I knew at that point there was no stopping me. I as nowhere near hungry, but craved it like a fucking phene. I sat there for a few min's.... watching TV and my uncle went to bed upstairs. I then went back and got the other two. Then there were none. Man, I felt disgusted with myself. MIserably full, I thought about sticking my finger down my throat which I had done the night before after a 3am Denny's with friends, but I didn't. Thank God. Sticking my finger down my throat last night really messed with my head for several hours. I've done it 3 times I think since, June, since I decided to be healthier, and only a handful of times in my life.
So now I sit here drinking my nightly detox tea, and chain smoking. Asking God to help me, and for answers. I had the thought to focus on the solution, not the problem. Keeping focused on the postive, is what will help me continue to loose weight. Acknowledging and giving myself credit for walking today, for journaling today, for being honest on my food diary, for not eating myself sick at the cookout. I was told once by an ex-boyfriend who used to date a tiney Asian lady that said... eat to about a 6. On a scale of 1-10... 1 being hungry, 10 being miserably full... eat to a 6. I was about an 8 today, and believe me... I've eaten myself to about a 12 before. Eating to an 8 is also something I need to be proud of myself for. I have to remember that tommorrow is a new day, and that it takes an extra 3500 calories over what your body needs to gain ONE pound, yes ONE... I did not eat that. I ate just over 600. I have to remember that atleast today was better than what I was doing/eating 6months ago at my heaviest. Without regard for my weight, calories, or health.... just eating. Eating because I didn't want to drink, eating because I didn't want to cut, eating because I didn't want to cry, eating because, we were going out to celebrate someone's anniversary, eating because it tasted good. I have to realize that somedays I will make little progress, and others much progress,either way it's still progress. "Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, they will always materialize if we work for them." - The Promises. I also have to realize that it all even's itself out. There has been several days this week I've eaten 600+ less than what my goal was, and I've burned over 4,000 calories in excercise alone, 4x my goal per week.
I will go to bed tonight, grateful for the weight I have lost, grateful for the progress, I've made, and grateful in knowing that tommorrow is a new day. As long as I stay strong on the path I am on, and not give up... I will achieve my goal. Giving up is the ONLY thing that will stop my weight loss... and *I* have control over that.... God please grant me strength to keep pushing forward, and thank you so much for the serenity, strength, and courage pulsating through my being at this very moment. Please help me tommorrow to make better choice and loose more weight... Amen.
Love & Light
Dottie
No comments:
Post a Comment