Hitting the -25lb Mark!

I got on the scale at the gym today and it read 294.4. I looked at it in disbelief and got on 3 more times before I left the gym!  Shouldn't I be more excited? Shouldn't I be more grateful? lol What is wrong with me, it's like I don't believe it. Like something must be wrong with the scale!  I feel like I haven't earned it. I say that, but I've spent an hour and a half at the gym 6 days this week along with a brief morning walk!  Why would I feel like I don't deserve it?  Well for one, other than my oatmeal for breakfast all I've eaten today is Jet's pizza and ice cream, on and off all day. Sure that sounds horrible, but I have 800 and something calories left due to my hardcore work out. I'm doing this because I want to get healthier, loosing weight is just a plus. I've been really hard on myself this week about the things I've eaten.  My hardcore gym sessions were out of fear and disappointment because of all the junk I've had this week.  It was my birthday week though, and I try to give myself a bit of slack.  That gray area is so hard for me to find.  I take everything to the extremes, I always have.  When I want something, I go get it full force.  It's like I've learned that I can eat WHATEVER I want... as long as I burn that shit off at the end of the day.  But this is what it does to me.... I eat out of compulsion and I'm super anxious until I get to the gym to burn it off.  I obsess about making sure I burn all that junk off!  I've not eaten as many veggies and fruit as usual this week.  All that "knowing I can eat anything as long as I work it off at the end of the day" doesn't help my addiction to food.  I still run to it when I'm stressed or anxious.  However, I was proud of myself the other night... I had a HORRIBLE weekend at work, worked a double on Saturday and was exausted that night and Sunday afternoon for work, my thoughts at the end of the night were "I WANT McDONALD'S and I don't even care!!!" So I swung by McDonalds and they were closed.  I thanked God and asked him to help me get my ass to the gym to work off that angry, anxious energy... and that's what I did.  I didn't bury my emotions under a Big Mac, I tried but apparently it wasn't God's will for me, but I didn't stop at another, you know there's atleast 5 different McDonalds in a 10 mile radius in metro Detroit.  I accepted that I was angry, and anxious... I asked God to help me feel it, get to the core issues as to WHY I was angry and anxious, and let it go, and I did.  That was a miracle to me.  I also broke down and bought some Acai berry from Wallgreens last night and began taking it in the morning... it made me feel somewhat like a hippocrite.  I don't take pills, I'd rather do holistic SOMETHING before medicinal ANYTHING.  I do take herbs though, and I kind of feel that's what they are.  I'm also not allowing taking those to give me leadway to not work for it. 

After writing all this, I can feel the gratitude creep into my heart.  I'm offically down 25 lbs.  It's truly amaing.  God and The Universe have helped me stay motivated, positive, and strong.  I pray that next week, I eat healthful foods to support my new healthy lifestyle I am striving for, and that my fears are removed and I stay positive about these changes... thank you God, Angels, and Ascended Masters for all your support and blessings... Amen.

 Good luck to all of you!!!  Love & Light

Dottie

We Admitted We Were Powerless Over Food

The first step.  They say this is the only step we have to get right.  There is no right way to do the others, only this one. A true, heartfelt admitance of a powerlessness over food, and they it makes my life unmanagable. I gave up booze, and pills, I can give this up too. Somedays are easy, and I don't crave or obsess, but others are harder.  An obsessive desire or craving comes over me and I have to eat it.  I will think about whatever food it is for quite a while until I get it. Why does this seem so hard? Why am I relecutant to write about this?  I am ashamed.  I find it ridiculous that I will sit and eat an entire box of oreo cookies, because I need some form of comfort. I'm angry. I've spent the last 18 months of my life working like crazy to maintain sobriety and work a good, honest program, and now.... now I have to deal with this. Another addiction. I'm a fucking addict... and so many times I hate it. The powerlessness comes when I'll spend money I don't have on food, because I'm craving that pizza, or sushi, or whatever. The powerlessness comes when *I* CANNOT stop myself from compulsively eating... like I go in full blown addict mode and eat anything I can possible get my hands on, whether I like the way it tastes or not. Last night I ate a bowl of rice and chiken I didn't even like!  But I COULD NOT bring myself to put down that fucking spoon.  It's frustrating. With alcohol I can just avoid the shit... I have to eat. So where is that medium? I wouldn't fucking know, I'm an addict!  Everything I do is extreme, I have no idea what the grey area even looks like when it comes to my acitons.  The unmanagablity part comes when I'm late for work because I "have" to have that Tim Horton's or McDonald's.  Also, when I'm hiding in the nurses office eating at work so no one will interrupt me! I get so angry when I'm eating and some family member comes up to me and says that a patient needs something, and when I get up to do it, I obsesses over my food that is wherever the hell I left it.  I don't heat my foods too much, because it doesn't allow me to woof down my food like I want to do. I can't keep living like this, it interfere's with my life.  If I'm at a meeting or someone's house, I don't want to be the first one to eat, but I'll anxiously wait until someone else does.  I get all ansy because I want it, but don't want to seem to eager. I cannot imagine fasting, for any reason.... I'm just like OH NO WAY... I just cannot seem to imagine what that would be like. I've seriously contemplated OA meetings... but I fear being addicted to those! It's ridiculous. At this point in my recovery, when I have a bad day I don't think about drinking, I think about eating a whole Digorno pizza and half gallon of chocolate milk.  It produces almost a euphoric state.... I'm miserably full, and that becomes the focus of my attention, not whatever I was trying to eat away.  Things I have done that tell me I'm addicted to food:  Eating the middle out of the bologna when I made my little brother's sandwiches as a kid, eating my pregnant roomates frozen whit castle sandwiches when she distinctly told me not too, eating a whole bag of my uncles chips and having to replace them, stealing food off my resident's plates when I'm feeding them, eating food that doesn't even taste good... just to be eating,  hiding food and wrappers from fast food restuarnts, ordering so much food that I know I can't eat but force myself to do so. The list goes on. I don't want to be like that anymore. I'm definately taking steps to overcome this, but some nights like tonight, and like so many others I had when recovering from alcohol, I'm tired. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm ashamed. I'm scared... what is going to be revealed next? What am I going to give up next? I guess that's where the one day at a time comes in. I've given up the drugs and alcohol, but I'm yet to give up the smoking. I'm working on the sex and cutting, both are getting much better. I am powerless over food once I begin eating when I know I'm not hungry, and my obsessiveness makes my life unmanagable. I'm just going to have to ask God for help every single day, and when I feel that urge to eat compulsively ask God to remove it.  He removed my obsession to drink, it's gone. I never thought that would happen, but he has. So yes, I have hope. With these 12 steps and God and working a solid program, I can become powerful... I can overcome yet another addiction... I'm tired of eating myself to death

My Thoughts on Yesterday, I Ate Everything in Sight

So yesterday I ate everything I could get my hands on. I felt completely out of control, and had no desire to stop it. Within an hour I ate 3, yes 3, Klondike bars, a Whopper, and half a bag of guacamole chips.... actually less than that, in the time it took me to drive to work. I worked out yesterday, and ran tonight when I got home from work. I pour so much of my energy in to loosing weight and being healthier. I realize there is still some things I'm missing about why I'm doing this and what I'm doing. I was emotionally eating. Sometimes, I just get tired of dealing with another addiction. My eating hasn't been to great for the last week, which is probably why I gained 0.6 lbs. I didn't want to update that on my weigh in thing... but it was the truth. If I lie to myself what good is any of this going to do? I'm tired of being overweight, I am. I've never liked it, who does? I've always been real good at making people believe that I had no problems with my weight and it was just part of who I am. Even my best friend of 13 years argues with her mother about how much my weight really doesn't bother me, and her mother says of course it does... somewhere inside of her it bothers her. I'm treating my addiction to food like my alcoholism, and I'm applying the twelve steps. I just had a thought to write out my steps as a blog. I judge people all the time based on their weight. I look at them and think how disgusting they look, so if I do that.. then wouldn't I look at myself with the same thoughts? NO... because I'm in denial. I think my stomach is disgusting. The way it hangs... my biggest fear is having my belly hang below my twat and close to my knees, I don't want that. I'm crying right now... I CANNOT remember the last time I cried over my weight, if ever. Seems that denial of my obesity... ugh that word makes me shudder... has been lifted. I see it all now... God please give me strength to see, feel, and let go of these things which keep me overweight.... Thank you.

I Broke the 300's!!!

It's been 12 weeks since I decided to get serious about loosing weight and being healthier, and yesterday I weighed in at 298.4!!! I was so excited. That's -21 lbs! I watch my changing body almost in awe. My legs are all muscle, and my calfs are beautifully cut. What I've noticed most recently that has just made my day everytime I look at it is my little "back roll" (as I call it) is disappearing. I keep looking at myself in the mirror thinking WOW Thank you God for giving me the strength and motivation to keep doing this. I love it. I feel amazing, and it's like I'm literally melting away in front of my own eyes. I'm going to the batting cages today with my trainer, we've got a softball team together for next summer and I am SOOOO pumped about playing. I played ball for 11 years when I was younger and I miss everything about it, I miss the way the feild smells, the way the ball sounds when it hits your glove, EVERYTHING. It feels like I'm actually training for something now! lol Playing pall will benefit me in so many ways. I am so grateful for my trainer. I prayed before I got him and asked God to send me someone that would be perfect for me, and he is. There are many things about our lives that seem to go hand in hand. We both have a strong faith in God and trust that he will always grant us the things we need, I do Reiki and his mother in law and finace do Reiki... it's just awesome! When I first started with him I did OKAY for about 4 weeks then I just fell off the wagon. He called me several times and I wouldn't answer. Then one day he left a voicemail, that I still have on my phone, and said if I didn't want to train that was okay. He thought we got along real well and wanted to help me anyway he could to reach my goals, he said that he meant it when he said he wasn't going to give up on me. I brought me to tears... ever since that voicemail I've been going strong. He is a blessing in my life. I wouldn't be where I am without him. God definately answered my prayers, which he always does ;). I'm full of gratitude, excitement, and awe right now.... Thank you God for always putting the right ppl in my life to help me reach my goals...

Love & Light

Dottie

Keeping Focused on the Solution, Not the Problem

I'm a little uneasy at this moment. Almost as if I'm becoming obsessed with excercising, watching and writing down what I eat, and obessessing over whether or not *I* feel I did well that day. There is a fear that this could be my next addiction... not only to food but everything around it. How much fiber does it have? When's the last time I ate? What can I eat before work? Then I think, it's alright, I lived and breathed AA for the first SEVERAL months... and that's what I needed to do to stop myself from drinking. I didn't wake up until 3 o'clock this afternoon, ate a bowl of oatmeal and went straight to Mandy's family get-together. I knew I was going to eat quite a bit of food, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that I was at 11 calories under my daily goal. As soon as I got home, I logged it all then went for a 30 min walk, even though it was 10:30 at night, I felt I wouldn't be able to sleep if I didn't do SOMETHING. I get home, relieved, proud of myself... the day was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be... then the test came. Uncle Keith had brought me some quesadillas home from Chili's.... my heart sank, I wanted to cry. I peeked at them, said thanks and went to the bathroom. I sat there and realized I felt obligated to eat it, but why? My thoughts went to my childhood, my father, his obscene anitcs of making sure we ate everything on our plates, and making me finish my plate even if I was full, my mother saying here we just have a little bit left why don't you eat it? I wasn't hungry but I ate it, because my mother through it on my plate, and God forbid I left something on it!!! Then I thought, nope I'm not going to eat those quesadillas I'm going to put them in the fridge for tommorrow, and just tell my uncle I'm not hungry at all, but thank you. Next came the mistake.... I thought I'll try just one. HA! Since WHEN does ANY addict have JUST ONE OF ANYTHING!?!?!?! In AA they say that "one is two many, and a thousand is never enought." - how true that is. And it was delicious, steack with jalapeno's.... so I sat in the living room and decided, one more.... I knew at that point there was no stopping me. I as nowhere near hungry, but craved it like a fucking phene. I sat there for a few min's.... watching TV and my uncle went to bed upstairs. I then went back and got the other two. Then there were none. Man, I felt disgusted with myself. MIserably full, I thought about sticking my finger down my throat which I had done the night before after a 3am Denny's with friends, but I didn't. Thank God. Sticking my finger down my throat last night really messed with my head for several hours. I've done it 3 times I think since, June, since I decided to be healthier, and only a handful of times in my life.

So now I sit here drinking my nightly detox tea, and chain smoking. Asking God to help me, and for answers. I had the thought to focus on the solution, not the problem. Keeping focused on the postive, is what will help me continue to loose weight. Acknowledging and giving myself credit for walking today, for journaling today, for being honest on my food diary, for not eating myself sick at the cookout. I was told once by an ex-boyfriend who used to date a tiney Asian lady that said... eat to about a 6. On a scale of 1-10... 1 being hungry, 10 being miserably full... eat to a 6. I was about an 8 today, and believe me... I've eaten myself to about a 12 before. Eating to an 8 is also something I need to be proud of myself for. I have to remember that tommorrow is a new day, and that it takes an extra 3500 calories over what your body needs to gain ONE pound, yes ONE... I did not eat that. I ate just over 600. I have to remember that atleast today was better than what I was doing/eating 6months ago at my heaviest. Without regard for my weight, calories, or health.... just eating. Eating because I didn't want to drink, eating because I didn't want to cut, eating because I didn't want to cry, eating because, we were going out to celebrate someone's anniversary, eating because it tasted good. I have to realize that somedays I will make little progress, and others much progress,either way it's still progress. "Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, they will always materialize if we work for them." - The Promises.  I also have to realize that it all even's itself out. There has been several days this week I've eaten 600+ less than what my goal was, and I've burned over 4,000 calories in excercise alone, 4x my goal per week.

I will go to bed tonight, grateful for the weight I have lost, grateful for the progress, I've made, and grateful in knowing that tommorrow is a new day. As long as I stay strong on the path I am on, and not give up... I will achieve my goal. Giving up is the ONLY thing that will stop my weight loss... and *I* have control over that.... God please grant me strength to keep pushing forward, and thank you so much for the serenity, strength, and courage pulsating through my being at this very moment. Please help me tommorrow to make better choice and loose more weight... Amen.

 Love & Light

Dottie

300 Even =)

I got on the scale today even though I wasn't suppose go get on it until Tuesday, trying to stick to the whole "Weigh yourself once a week" and I finally hit 300!!! I was so excited. lol I wonder how many ppl are excited to weight 300 lbs!? I AM! I was at my heaviest in my life in June of this year... 319, and I had had enough. I feel amazing right now. Yesterday I supposedly ate about 1200 calories over my daily goal, but I'm thinking that it evens itself out of days time. The day before I ate about 1200 under, maybe that is why I was so hungry the next day! lol I feel like I ate a lot of food today, and was a little nervous about entering it all in, but I'm being honest. I have to be honest. If I'm not honest with myself, who can I be honest with? I'm drinking my detox tea right now, and have plans to go on a 7 mile bike ride tommorrow. I'm really looking forward to being off this weekend. I'm thinking tanning, biking, and maybe the infared sauna, however I'm also working on my finanaces so maybe that's not the best idea (I didn't fit the 25 for the sauna into my budget this paycheck). I'm so very grateful for God helping me to not eat a hundred cookies today. I did sneak in 3 different times, and ate a total of 5 cookies, but it still didn't put me over my calories per day. I am hungry now though, truly hungry, not hungry out of boredom or emotional upset, really hungry. But it's 3:17am and I'm about to go to bed, my tea has taken the edge off a bit. I've really been trying to tune into my body and allow it to tell me what it wants. If I'm hungry, I eat. I'm not going to do anything to starve myself. My actual thought process for not eating right now is that I would so fully believe that eating this late would slow my weight loss, and that belief would come into manifestation full force. I feel better in the morning as well when I don't eat this late. Today was a good day, I'm feeling great, and I'm very proud of myself! (and grateful to God ;) off to bed now....

Realizations

I just got back from the gym. I love that this websitte has a blog section, because when I started in June I was keeping my own "health journal" if you will. Here it will be nice and organized ;). Today I rode my bike like mad woman for 30 min and felt like I was going to die, but pushed forward lol. Then I had a yearning to hit the gym a few hours later and did that too. For about 2 weeks, I wasn't keeping a food journal, and I really began slacking on my daily morning ride or walk. There were days when I would eat compulsively ... like 6 peices of digorono pizza with a half gallon of chocolate milke because I was depressed. Then I was terrifed of not being able to get myself back no track. I did a lot of praying and asked God to please help me do what I need to do to get to my healthiest weight, and here I am. I'm back keeping my journal (this site helped TREMEDOUSLY) my daily excercise, and making better food choices. What I really learned though in those couple weeks was that a few days of not doing what I felt I need to do, and not sticking to my health plan.... weren't the end of the world. I didn't gain any weight, I didn't loose any... but atleast I didn't gain. The laws of attraction, and my spirituality play a huge role in my weight loss and my lifestyle changes. I believe that thoughts manifest themseleves into our daily lives, and whatever I'm focusing on will come about. Yes, there's fear at times... but that's when I ask God and Arachangel Micheal to remove it so it doesn't interfere with the progress I've made. I use the laws of attraction a lot too. I visualize myself as lean, and athletic. Because I believe that will help me achieve my goals. I can do all the sit-ups, workouts, and eat only carrots for weeks, but if I don't BELIEVE that I'm loosing weight, I won't. I'm reminded to keep my thoughts focused and the solution, that which I want to come about and let God handle the rest. Right now I'm extremely proud of myself, and very grateful to God for granting me the motivation to get up and go today, and make better food choices. I've also realized that my off days I tend to eat less, better, and excercise more. I mucnh when I'm at work, even when I bring healthier things to eat, I still munch.  I'm going to have to keep praying that God remove my obession with food, and that I remain willing to allow him to do so. The willing part is the kicker... I can ask God all day to help me with something, but if I decide to do it, my free will takes over... and God steps out of the way. May I keep myself out of the way and let God work even more miracles in my life.... 17 lbs down..... 102 to go :D

Dottie

First Blog Ever

My name is Dottie, and I'm addicted to food.

I remember just under 18 months ago when I first uttered the words, "My name is Dottie and I'm an alcoholic." Those emotions I felt then, are all here now. That loss of control, that compulsion, the guilt, the fatigue, the tears that want to fall but won't come. It's all here now. I remember many nights of crying and begging God not to let me let go, to just not let me pick up the first drink. That only difference now, is that I have to eat. I can't just avoid the food aisle at Meijers like I do the booze aisle. I can't just NOT hang out with "wet faces" or not go to "wet places." We all have to eat. The trick apparently is to learn to eat in moderation, to fuel your body with wholesome foods that will allow me to function at my highest level. Today I had done okay, then I felt like I was starving and ate a bowl of soup and quite a few sunchips. I'm trying to be proud of myself for not hitting the ice cream, or the frozen pizza. The tears are falling now. I am proud of myself and find gratitude in how far I've come already. I've lost 17lbs since June 19, 2009, but this shit is hard. Just like not drinking was. In AA they say that everyday gets better, I'm applying that philosophy here, I may take a few steps back every now and then, but I wil continue to progress, I have to hold onto that. I want to be healthier. I want ot be a runner. I know that I can do ANYTHING I've ever dreamed of with God's help, and some effort on my part. Of course, that addict inside of me wants everything now, not even now, yesterday would have been better. I have faith. I believe that if I hold the intention that I will become lean and healthy, I will. I ask the Angels to remove any fear I have on a daily basis. Qutting drinking, was hard, but so worth it. I know this will be too. Why am I crying right now? Because I'm taking that first step... and not only that I am becoming humble, by writing this where the world can read it, I am learning humility. Much of my weight issues come from beliefs I've held since childhood that I had to be big to protect myself, my brother, and my mother. I think all "dis-eases" have a spiritual root/cause. My weight is no different. It's funny how these days when I have a bad day, a drink doesn't cross my mind, but there is a relentless urge to grab a pizza and chocolate milk and eat myself sick. lol I just had the thought to journal here, and get down to the real issue when I want to compulsively eat. I'm getting back in the habit of walking everyday, and I'm going to see my trainer tommorrow. I've never tried this hard before, I've never wanted it this bad. Holistic medicine means so much to me, and I'm so involved in it. I want this more than I've ever wanted it. I believe it will increase my intuitive and healing abilities, and give others hope. This for me, really is a change in lifestyle. I want to get to the point where I'm running everyday. My short term goal is 292 by October 1st... and 219 by July 2010. only 83 more lbs to go!!!! :D God please grant me all the things I need to overcome yet another addiction... for all those that may be reading this... Good luck and God bless ;)

 Love & LIght

Dottie