Allowing Others, Yet Denying Myself

"I allow others to be who they are, yet deny myself the same freedom."

That was the thought I had this morning. Then I reflected up on it. Recently I've realized I'm always on guard just a little, there's always a wall there about halfway. I'm always afraid of what people are going to cause to rise up within my psyche. Afraid of what they will do to my serenity, my emotional or spiritual energies. I'm all about protecting myself because I don't know what demons you've got lurking in and around you, and I sure the hell don't need them, I have enough of my own. I'm afraid of people making me angry, afraid of people draining me, needing me too much (because I'm afraid of letting them down. So if I don't allow people to "need" me then, I can't let them down." In meditation this morning I thought of how many times I've said, "I'm afraid of myself." The amount of fear that I have hidden for 25 years is astounding. I'm like really? I'm riddled with fear. If I cannot be comfortable with myself and God, it's nearly impossible to be comfortable with anyone else. If I'm terrified that *I* am going to hurt me, then why would I think anyone else won't? I can't/don't even trust myself. It's no wonder I trust no one else. The safest I do feel is with myself, yet I still don't feel safe. I'm afraid of the feelings I may feel when no one else is around, and although it has been quite some time since I have physically hurt myself, the fear that obsession or compulsion may return is there. A Course in Weight Loss says being alone with our addiction or compulsion is like being alone with a mad man. It's true. The remedy is to reach out, to be with people. Which is also true. I've seen it be true in my recovery from alcoholism. I've blogged before that I think the reason I like to blog is because it's a false sense of intimacy. If I blog publicly, I'm not entirely hiding, but God forbid I tell you this in person. I told mys sponsor the other day something along the lines of I don't feel deserving of the good people do for me. She said that was bullshit. She was right, I knew it, but I needed to know if what was bullshit... then what was the truth. It's not that I don't feel deserving. It's that I don't want to feel obligated. If you do for me, then I feel like I have to do for you, well I don't like doing ANYTHING I feel like I have to do. I like to do what Dottie likes to do. I had a friend get me something really sweet for my birthday last year. I got her nothing. I feel guilt EVERY. SINGLE. TIME I think about the fact she got me something, and I got her nothing. I look at my Uncle and think, nothing I ever do in my life can repay him for what he's given and done for me. I can't give him back the 30,000 + miles I've probably put on his Envoy. I can't give him back the 5,000 dollars I owe him right now. I can't give back to him the time and energy he has spent helping me get on my feet. How do I repay him when my debt is having a roof over my head for no other reason that he loves me and wants me to do well? I can't pay that back. Shit, apparently I can't even accept it. So, maybe under the I don't want to receive because I don't want to feel obligated to repay, is I just don't know how to receive. I don't know how to just allow good in. I want to give it away as quickly as I get it. Because I'm a very blessed woman, and I want to give to others, but first I need to give to myself. Or is it the other way around? :) All I know is that I got up at 5:30 this morning, I've meditated and my coffee turned out great. I also know that know matter what is going on in my head, God ha something bigger going on in my heart.

"I'm receiving all good now." - The card I drew this morning. Quite fitting.

Dear God, may I find safety, security, and Love within myself and You. May I receive all good graciously and know I am deserving. My I give good graciously as I am guided by You. Thank you for my willingness and clarity to know myself better. Thank you for the miracles happening at this very moment. Amen

Love & Light
Dottie

A Mirror of Self: She's Fat

     The site of her instantaneously makes me curl up my nose and just stare at her. I usually start at her ankles, noticing how tiny her feet look against her humongous legs. She big. Very big. And it's apparent I have issues with her, because she's big. Of course the question is what am I seeing in her that is being reflected back, but that is not the point of this blog. The point is to be entirely honest with myself about how I feel about her, let it go and allow Love and compassion to flow freely. I watch her walk with her cane and think, you have to know the reason you walk with a cane is because you are extremely overweight right? I see a wasted life. I see someone dying before there time. I see an unnecessary struggle to live and function a daily basis. I see the possibility of who I could be without constant self-reflection and fearless facing of my demons. I don't respect her. How could I? I can't stand to be in the same room with her. And when she sits at my nurses station I just want to kick the back of her chair and tell her to move her fat ass. I wonder what she looks like naked, and if her husband even remotely finds her attractive? How could he? Was she always this big? What does he look like? Maybe he's a big fat fucking blob too, then I guess it wouldn't matter, she doesn't see it in herself, he doesn't see it in himself.... a beautiful blinded Love. Bastards. She's married? WTF. What about me? I just wanna rip her wedding ring off her finger, IF I  could get it off. AND it's huge! More karats than I've seen most woman wear. I admit, she's intelligent, and willing to help you with any question. However, shes' got a bit of a smart mouth, and I just look at her like really? REALLY. You want to be smart? Just shut the fuck up, I don't respect you anyhow. I wondered today how difficult it really is for her to take her shoes off. Where she shops. How much extra energy she wastes every single day on the most common and mundane activities. Can she whip her ass? Is it possible? When's the last time she had sex with her husband. What about when she's on her period? I mean, c'mon!!! She has body tissue literally falling all over the place, it's not pretty, it's not convenient, how much denial is this woman in? These already semi-gross aspects of life are multiplied in her case.  My nose is curled right now, disgusted. I'm just absolutely disgusted. I don't like her talking to me. I'd just assume pretend she's not there. I don't want to look at her, talk to her, nothing. I just want to look at her and be like so what's it like to weigh 500 lbs? I've watched you. You can't bend over to pick anything up. You're dependant on people around you. You can't fit in 9/10's of the chairs at our facility, it takes you 10 minutes to get in your car.... I've watched you. I've watched you in utter fear, terrified. Having said a thousand times in my life, "If I ever get that big, please, I beg you... please just shoot me" and I mean it.

The tears are sitting in my eyes already and I haven't even wrote anything. A chill just ran down my body, and my mind is thinking of anything to get me away from this computer. All of a sudden, I'm tired. My body and mind is shutting down, shutting it out. < This is what resistance looks like ladies and gentlemen. The moment I noticed myself staring at her ankles, I prayed. I asked God to free me from the thoughts of judgement I was having against her. I just realized I didn't pray for clarity. I asked to feel only Love and compassion for this woman who was obviously dying inside. I wondered why she hurt so much. I wondered what she really felt inside. I remembered moments of always being the first one to jump up to help her, only to cuss her under my breath. Recognizing I struggle with my own feelings towards her. Going out of my way every chance I get to enable this way of life. I become angry at her for handicapping herself. I recognize that in denying her freedom, I'm denying it to myself. If I look at her and become angry because she represents aspects, or potential aspects of my personality.... there is unforgiveness, there is a lack of love towards myself. And if I can't love myself completely and unconditionally, I am hindered in my spiritual growth. I'm ready to be whole, balanced. I'm on a mission. A mission to live the life God wants me to live and frankly, I'm tired of fucking around. So let's look at it... all of it; the good, the bad, the ugly. Somewhere in the back of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says the best way to get rid of a resentment is to pray for that person, ask God to grant them all the things you'd want for yourself. What does she want? I don't know. But I'm going to pray that she.... I don't even know where to start. Maybe I'm not there yet, but I'm willing; willing to be there whenever I'm ready to be there. I immediately went back to praying for myself, asking God to help me to release anger, help me to see clearly what I need to see, help me feel only love and compassion for her. But why would I want those things? None of that is helping her in anyway. Judgement. I'm full of judgement. A fearless and moral inventory. Yeah, that's where I'm at. There and here...

I recognize some aspect of her weight is reflecting an aspect of me and mine on a subconscious level, this reflection creates a panic inside of me, a fear. "Where ever the mind is not filled with Love, there is a propensity for insanity." All my hateful words and thoughts are really aimed at me. If she's a mirror, everything I say or do, is aimed right back at me. I wish to be free from this judgement and fear. I want to feel only Love when I look at her, when I look at me.

Dear God, please heal this part of me that is irritated when I look at her. I'm willing to release this anger in exchange for Love and peace. What is this teaching me? How can I help bring about the highest level of healing for both of us, for all of us? Amen.

Love & Light
Dottie