Good morning!
I intended to get up at 7:30 for my favorite yoga class and ended up hitting snooze so many times I could have cared less about going. I was tired and cranky by this point. Yet, when I DID wake up I was fairly angry at myself for missing it! As I laid in my bed pouting and trying to NOT be angry at myself I heard the words "Unrealistic Expectations."
I decided to really look at that phrase for a few moments today and feel what it meant to me. My intial question to myself was do I have unrelalistic expectations of myself, and my intial response was "yes." I just had this feeling of kicking myself in the ass because I didn't go to yoga this morning, ugh... moving along. I am not a morning person, I know this, yet I set my alarm to get up at 7:15am? After falling asleep a little after 1am? I knew I wasn't going to get up. Then my question becomes, did I know I wasn't going to get up? or did I create the situation of not getting up at 7:15am because I had made the decision the night before that I wasn't going to?
Unrealistic expectations also makes me think of the term "extremeist" which I very much am which is okay because it has it's good aspects too, I really believe even the qualities we deem as "terrible" have certain situations where they wold be useful. So what now? I seem to not have much to say about Unrealistic expectations, maybe it's something I need to give thought to throughout the day, as I go about my day.
My thoughts right now are about having a routine of some kind in the morning. 10:30 feels like an appropriate wake time which I would like to incorporate on the days don't do yoga. I've been trying the make a daily schedule thing, which isn't working out to great for me right now, seems to just be kind of there. Routine wise I've thought about praying, breakfast, blogging over tea, yoga and/or walking, then my day.... I'd like that to the start to my day EVERYDAY. Let's give myself a goal of doing it for 4 days. I almost said a week, but I heard "unrealistic expectations" in my head, lol. The Universe knows me well :) I need to figure out how long all of this takes roughly. It's 11:30 now and I've been up since about 10:40 I believe. So, maybe two hours before I need to start getting ready to go somewhere? So if I get ready for work at 1pm, getting up at 10:30 is perfect, actually gives me an extra 30 min. We'll see how this works for the next four days. I'm gonna go ahead and jot this down. I'd guess on the days I don't have to work I don't really need to be up at 10:30? Give myself a little leadway. Tommorrow I have class so it appears two hours to get read and get there would put me at 11:30, so 2 hours to do my routine would put me at 9:30am. Doable? I think so :). There is a thought there, almost a fear of developing OCD tendencies. lol, wow, there's my extreme's again. I either think I have to have NO schedule or be OCD about my schedule, lol... it does make me laugh a bit.
I've made my schedule out for the next two days, but I don't even know where to start for Saturday and Sunday! lol I'm like should I just get up at 10:30 to keep things kosher or wake up whenever and THEN do my routine, it can be more relaxed because it's the weekend right? Sure. Oh look at that, there aren't even any times on my weekend calender. Good. SHIT. Yin Yoga is tomorrow... and I really want to go! Guess I have to put that in my schedule lol... OMG I'm gonna drive myself nuts. No I'm not. For whatever reason I'm getting excited, lol.
I think blogging everyday will help me sort through the shit within my head, and focus better. I need to explore how not going to yoga this morning REALLY makes me feel, becuase I keep thinking of it and thinkg UGH fuck. I feel dissppointment, anger, frustration. It reminds me of all those other times I wanted to get up earlier and didn't. Feel irresponsible, lazy... makes me think of my father yelling at me "what are you gonna sleep all day? Get up." But I'm an adult now, I make my own decisions. Sleeping all day IS a choice for me, however, doing so strikes guilt and fear, like I'm waiting on SOMEONE to yell at me.
Seems it's now time for me to get moving this morning.... ;)
Love & Light
Dottie
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Awareness & Willingness
Awareness & willingness. The only two things needed to change something in your life. I sit here void of emotion, which is not uncommon for me. I do have the ability to make myself feel anything I desire, but rarely do my emotions bubble outward beyond my control. I can be happy, mad, grateful, etc at the drop of a hat. I've hit a plateau with my weight, I've hit a peak with my binging and purging, and I drank like a fish 4 days ago. I want to know what's there. What is lurking just under the surface I can feel, but not see yet? It's too close for comfort that's for sure.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Meeting My Body
Good morning!
I'm so happy to be sitting here with my tea and preparing to blog. A very beautiful thing happened during yoga today. I found myself extremely angry when holding the poses, a few tears fell, and all I kept hearing in my head is I'm not feeling very flexible today. I was becoming angry at my body because I could go much farther into the pose just a week or so ago, angry because my mind wouldn't push me through it, and ready to just throw that fucking boppy support pillow acrooss the room. I was telling myself it's okay, sometimes things in yoga come up, but I kept getting more and more pissed. My teacher said to be the observer of any thoughts or emotions that arose... and so I did. I laid my head on the support pillow and asked myself what was really wrong. There was a shift within that moment. I felt a connection to my body open up like never before. I felt guilt because I had been ingesting poisen for 3 days. I thought of my relapse, the Sonic I ate the night before, the Thin Mints I ate and threw up before I drank. I had been very hurtful to my body, and felt guilt. It was like I had hurt my best friend. I apologized and I cried as I sat in my dragon pose.
Upon deeper reflection I discovered a few more things. I had begun to not trust my body. I allowed the impatience of my ego to talk me into taking an amphetemine appetite suppressant (although I had lost almost 50 lbs on my own over the last year simply through diet changes, excercise, yoga, hypnotherapy, and acupuncture) I took the pills knowing all to well what it would do to my body... speed up my heartrate, decrease my sleep, potentially (and likely) to increase my anxiety, deplete my body of potassium because of the potent diuretic that goes along with taking the amphetemine to counter-act the tendencies to raise the HR and BP. Coming from someone who DESPISES taking any kind of pill, this was more than counter-productive. It was a direct blow at my integrity and core beliefs that I have embraced over several years. I justified my actions by telling a couple people I KNEW would tell me it was okay, and keep myself working out and making good food choices. If I continued to do all THAT, then I was only using it as a tool right?! (Please note the sarcasm) Three days before my relapse, I got out of bed and passed out smashing my head on the metal clothes hamper and causing me to go to the hospital... what was the culprit? Severe dehydration.... the cause of the dehydration? The pills I was taking to suppress my appetite. FUCK. I was ashamed, embarrased. I felt hypocritical and unworthy of the love and concern of those who cared about me. Especially when both of them sitting next to me in the ER were shocked and angry.
Since deciding to no longer take the pills, I've spent the last several days sleeping. My body needed rest to re-balance itself out. It was artifical energized for about 5 weeks, and now it was tired. More fully realizing the distress I caused on my body, and energy filled I was filled with anger and sadness. I spent all day Sunday (2 days post collapse) crying and sleeping, by midnight Sun/Mon I was drinking. AFTER I spent a couple hours yelling at the man I'm in love with about how much it hurts that he doesn't love me back (which is TOTAL BS, lol PLEASE see previous blog about Falling in Love With What Is for further clarification on that one!) :)
Love is the only thing that is real and what heals. Love is all there is. God is Love. (With all the being said, and not to go into my whole schpeel on Love) ... I realized on the way home how many of my actions, leading up to this very moment where based upon fear (the OPPOSITE of Love) and not Love. (Fear and Love cannot co-exist, they are opposits of each other, like how in the presence of light, darkness doesn't exist.) ANYWAYS... The decision to get the diet pills in the first place was a fear based decision because I was afraid of the plateau I had hit, and the potential of it causing me to gain a few pounds. My decision to express feelings of pain, longing, and hurt to this man were also out of fear. Fear of me seeing what was REALLY the issue. Along with, my choosing to withold Love from him and myself. Because at this point I was not allowing myself to be my truest nature, which is Love. I was denying myself the allowance to be what I was, thus causing pain and me projecting it onto someone else. I had denied Love the access to healing me on all levels... thus creating a vaccum effect and allowing fear and self-destruction to run rampat and me to drink myself into a stupor. Multiplying the guilt I had already felt for binging and purging on food and putting my body through the amphetemine high and detox. I was spent.
Today is 6 days post collapse. Finally, today I feel balanced and peaceful. So here I sit knowing in my being that there are no mistakes, every event was a stepping stone in bringing me to this moment. Because of what I've put myself through over the last few months, I've develped a closer and keener relationship with my body. I'm excited. Being this in-tune with my body will allow me to instinctively know what my body needs. I can then eat accordingly, and decipher caloric needs from emotional feeding. I'm drinking my Yogi tea (which I've not done because I was to AFRAID of putting anything more energizing into my body) Today, I chose Love. I gave myself permission to feel that which I truly am. I didn't deny myself the Love that will allow me to heal on all levels because of any feelings of guilt, unworthiness, or anger. Those feelings aren't real anyway. They are only an absence of Love, as darkness is an absence of Light. Therefore, just allowing myself to feel Love, all those other feelings dissipate. I forgave myself for hurting myself... for disrupting my energetic balance, for ingesting toxins into my physical body, and for being fallible, being human, because sometimes I like to deny that too.
I laid there in that dragon pose today and was introduced to my body. It was like FINALLY introducing yourself to that new face around the office for almost 6 months, knowing their name, what they do... but never actually MEETING them, never actually introducing yourself. There's like a timid awkwardness to that. Although it IS possible to communicate with that person, it's not through a direct means, and uses more time and energy than necessary. Today, we established a direct connection. Myself and my body. We met, and it was beautiful <3
Namaste'
Dottie
I'm so happy to be sitting here with my tea and preparing to blog. A very beautiful thing happened during yoga today. I found myself extremely angry when holding the poses, a few tears fell, and all I kept hearing in my head is I'm not feeling very flexible today. I was becoming angry at my body because I could go much farther into the pose just a week or so ago, angry because my mind wouldn't push me through it, and ready to just throw that fucking boppy support pillow acrooss the room. I was telling myself it's okay, sometimes things in yoga come up, but I kept getting more and more pissed. My teacher said to be the observer of any thoughts or emotions that arose... and so I did. I laid my head on the support pillow and asked myself what was really wrong. There was a shift within that moment. I felt a connection to my body open up like never before. I felt guilt because I had been ingesting poisen for 3 days. I thought of my relapse, the Sonic I ate the night before, the Thin Mints I ate and threw up before I drank. I had been very hurtful to my body, and felt guilt. It was like I had hurt my best friend. I apologized and I cried as I sat in my dragon pose.
Upon deeper reflection I discovered a few more things. I had begun to not trust my body. I allowed the impatience of my ego to talk me into taking an amphetemine appetite suppressant (although I had lost almost 50 lbs on my own over the last year simply through diet changes, excercise, yoga, hypnotherapy, and acupuncture) I took the pills knowing all to well what it would do to my body... speed up my heartrate, decrease my sleep, potentially (and likely) to increase my anxiety, deplete my body of potassium because of the potent diuretic that goes along with taking the amphetemine to counter-act the tendencies to raise the HR and BP. Coming from someone who DESPISES taking any kind of pill, this was more than counter-productive. It was a direct blow at my integrity and core beliefs that I have embraced over several years. I justified my actions by telling a couple people I KNEW would tell me it was okay, and keep myself working out and making good food choices. If I continued to do all THAT, then I was only using it as a tool right?! (Please note the sarcasm) Three days before my relapse, I got out of bed and passed out smashing my head on the metal clothes hamper and causing me to go to the hospital... what was the culprit? Severe dehydration.... the cause of the dehydration? The pills I was taking to suppress my appetite. FUCK. I was ashamed, embarrased. I felt hypocritical and unworthy of the love and concern of those who cared about me. Especially when both of them sitting next to me in the ER were shocked and angry.
Since deciding to no longer take the pills, I've spent the last several days sleeping. My body needed rest to re-balance itself out. It was artifical energized for about 5 weeks, and now it was tired. More fully realizing the distress I caused on my body, and energy filled I was filled with anger and sadness. I spent all day Sunday (2 days post collapse) crying and sleeping, by midnight Sun/Mon I was drinking. AFTER I spent a couple hours yelling at the man I'm in love with about how much it hurts that he doesn't love me back (which is TOTAL BS, lol PLEASE see previous blog about Falling in Love With What Is for further clarification on that one!) :)
Love is the only thing that is real and what heals. Love is all there is. God is Love. (With all the being said, and not to go into my whole schpeel on Love) ... I realized on the way home how many of my actions, leading up to this very moment where based upon fear (the OPPOSITE of Love) and not Love. (Fear and Love cannot co-exist, they are opposits of each other, like how in the presence of light, darkness doesn't exist.) ANYWAYS... The decision to get the diet pills in the first place was a fear based decision because I was afraid of the plateau I had hit, and the potential of it causing me to gain a few pounds. My decision to express feelings of pain, longing, and hurt to this man were also out of fear. Fear of me seeing what was REALLY the issue. Along with, my choosing to withold Love from him and myself. Because at this point I was not allowing myself to be my truest nature, which is Love. I was denying myself the allowance to be what I was, thus causing pain and me projecting it onto someone else. I had denied Love the access to healing me on all levels... thus creating a vaccum effect and allowing fear and self-destruction to run rampat and me to drink myself into a stupor. Multiplying the guilt I had already felt for binging and purging on food and putting my body through the amphetemine high and detox. I was spent.
Today is 6 days post collapse. Finally, today I feel balanced and peaceful. So here I sit knowing in my being that there are no mistakes, every event was a stepping stone in bringing me to this moment. Because of what I've put myself through over the last few months, I've develped a closer and keener relationship with my body. I'm excited. Being this in-tune with my body will allow me to instinctively know what my body needs. I can then eat accordingly, and decipher caloric needs from emotional feeding. I'm drinking my Yogi tea (which I've not done because I was to AFRAID of putting anything more energizing into my body) Today, I chose Love. I gave myself permission to feel that which I truly am. I didn't deny myself the Love that will allow me to heal on all levels because of any feelings of guilt, unworthiness, or anger. Those feelings aren't real anyway. They are only an absence of Love, as darkness is an absence of Light. Therefore, just allowing myself to feel Love, all those other feelings dissipate. I forgave myself for hurting myself... for disrupting my energetic balance, for ingesting toxins into my physical body, and for being fallible, being human, because sometimes I like to deny that too.
I laid there in that dragon pose today and was introduced to my body. It was like FINALLY introducing yourself to that new face around the office for almost 6 months, knowing their name, what they do... but never actually MEETING them, never actually introducing yourself. There's like a timid awkwardness to that. Although it IS possible to communicate with that person, it's not through a direct means, and uses more time and energy than necessary. Today, we established a direct connection. Myself and my body. We met, and it was beautiful <3
Namaste'
Dottie
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