For the first time in a LONG LONG time I walked into my room and thought "Today was a good day" for a brief moment I remembered what it was like to not think about what I SHOULD be doing, what I NEEDED to do, what I was GOING to do.... everything was quiet and still, and it was amazing. I smiled and took a deep breathe. Now, that has very little to do with weight loss, yes, but I really needed a moment like that, I was SO grateful and wanted to share it.
For the past several weeks I've decided to fall in love with myself. To love myself as I love my best friend, my brother, my mother... or whoever, that unconditional love. There are SO many things I have done to myself I would never even think about doing to my best friend, so why did I do them to me? Because obviously I didn''t love myself, lol, I may say I do, and you probably think I do as much as I smile and laugh and bring joy to others, but I did not love myself the way I deserved to be loved. That unconditional, I'll do anything to help you be a better person or to take away your pain kind of love, the kind I offer to SO many ppl in my life, yet have denied it to myself for years. People who truly love themselves do not do things they KNOW will harm themselves. This is called self-destructive behaviors and I've done my fair share.. drinking excessively, smoking for years, cutting, having unprotected sex with one night stands, eating and eating until I weight over 300 lbs. Obviously, I did'nt like who I was, yet I kept reaching outward for a solution to an inward problem, I never found it. It wasn't until I went inward and tapped into a place I didn't even know was there... and began to fall in love with myself. The day I decided I was worth it, was the day I decided to do something. That day was in March of 2008, when I gave my doctor the okay to admit me into rehab. Over these last 2 years I've not picked up a single drink or drug, I've stopped smoking, and I've lost over 40lbs. I'm becoming someone I'm proud of, someone I love and I enjoy being alone with. When your okay being alone in solitude, thought, and writing... your on the right path. I still have a ways to go, about 120 lbs to be exact... and only God knows what else my journey holds for me. I know that everyday, I'm making a decision to love myself a little more. To be gentle with me, to tell myself it's okay, just dont' give up, the same things I'd tell someone else that I love so dearly. No matter how slow the progess, if I just keep pushing forward, good things will come. It may not be what *I* expected it to be... but in the grand scheme of things... it will be for my highest good, I believe that. if I didn't... I'd be pretty disappointed pretty regularly. It seems noting is as good as we expect it to be, and nothing is as bad as we expected it to be either. I think the solution to that is to let go of the outcome, and let the Universe make it better than you could have ever imagined. I take my weight loss journey one day at a time... and let the universe take care of the end result.
Today was a good day. I pushed myself for myself. I started and ended my day with a workout. I ran went I wanted to stop, and watched the sweat drip from my face as I did push ups... and I smiled. I was proud. It felt so fucking good. I'm falling in love with myself, because I'm the only person that can stop me from being who I want to be, period. I don't want to stand in my own way anymore.
Namaste
