"to know when to bend and when to leap - when to bow out and when to hurl our passion like buckets of paint across a stage. to give every last drop of our selves" - b
So which is it? How do you know when to "bow out" or to "give every last drop of our selves?" Maybe both get you to the same place. Not sure. I do know for the last two weeks, I've not wanted to train with Burkey. I didn't "feel like it". Various reasons, or excuses.... I mean there is a very fine line between the two, and often I'm not sure if there is a line at all. I've been trying the "pushing through it" thing for two weeks. Where I show up, and do the work. First week, good. Last week, I quit half way through. This week, I woke up at 4am and couldn't stop arguing with myself about why I should keep my appointment today. I finally texted him at 6:27am and said "I can't sleep bc I'm arguing with myself about how I need to work out today. I cannot maintain any sort of desire to do so, so I'm canceling. I don't want to work that hard today." The quote above reverberated through my mind. I'm not good at resting, at taking time out to recover. I take small spurts and tell myself that was plenty. The thought of NOT working out at all for more than a day sends me almost into a panic. I'm so used to walking around with a constant low level of soreness, somewhere in my body.
What do I feel? Shame. Anger. Impatience. I didn't want to NOT go today! What's this a lesson in? Being true to myself? Humility (burning up of that ego)? Goal setting and decision making? Distinguishing between wants and needs? Being okay with not getting what I want? Letting go of congrol? I mean, I LITERALLY just made a training schedule for the tough mudder, posted a whole blog about it and everything! THEN skipped both yin AND weight training? Wow. A lesson in not caring what other's may think maybe? OR could this is be about acceptance. Being with things as they are. I could run myself crazy in circles asking and attempting to answer all of these questions. I wonder if maybe I create anger inside me, so I can push myself to my limits. Or if this is how my mind creates chaos in my life. As if I'm aware enough for it to not totally run my life or drag others into the drama, but still there enough to reek havoc on me. Right now I'm angry at myself. But that isn't productive (or is it?) and the best thing I can do is allow it to be there. Be angry at myself. If I'm okay with being angry with nyself, then a sense of happiness begins to rise to the surface because I'm technically getting what I want. I know, it's really strange how that happens isn't it?
Under all of this. There is a quiet spaciousness that is just there. Observing all of this. A knowing that figuring it out isn't what this is about right now. Just allowing it to be there, and be gone when it's over. Feels like today is a good day to slow down, breath a little deeper, sit a little longer in meditation, and take the day in chunks. What is it I feel I need to do right now? Do that, then ask again. Those thoughts bring me peace.... and sure don't run me in crazy circles.
Love & Light,
Dottie
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Endurance Day #1: What Did I learn?
3.1 miles in 38m41s
That was my run time yesterday. Good, bad, or indifferent... THAT'S where I'm at right now. A little faster than the first time, a little slower than the last time. The voice in my head always seems to be the loudest when my body is struggling to catch it's next breath, basic survival instincts. NOTHING else matters to that voice but stopping to breathe, I have to make it matter.
I set multiple goals as I run, for various reasons. A practice in strengthening what I see as the weakest aspects of my personality. Indecision nearly paralyzes me, I think that's true for many of us. I'm forced to make a decision. Running without a goal is just making more work for myself, every second and distance ran without a goal in mind is wasted energy. What's it going towards? Indecision? Procrastination? That's what I'm running towards in that moment, unless I have a goal. A goal also helps me combat that voice inside my head that swears I will die right there on the treadmill if I don't stop this very moment... I've yet to die on a treadmill. And really, I can't think of a single story right now of anyone that has, because the mind quits WAAAAAY before the body does. Its' a fact. I failed to meet my second goal I set for myself yesterday. I quit before I hit the mark I had set. I quit last Thursday with Burkey.... yet both times, I set another goal, almost as punishment, but more so a consequence. A consequence that would make me better next time, not stir up feelings of self-loathing. Both times. Holding myself accountable. I've heard people often say, especially in 12 step recovery groups we should hold each other accountable. HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE. I had that thought as I was running my third goal, and made it. Sprung from a want to text my trainer to tell him I was doing my "endurance day." What the fuck for? After all, this was my training. He wouldn't be standing beside me on the course. And again, what does that action support? What does that energy create more of? Dependence? Looking for outward approval/accountability. I chose to feed integrity.
Going back to my goal setting as consequences. My first goal was a solid mile without stopping at 6.0. Done. Second goal 0.5mile at 5.5 (I was goal setting AS I was running, that was as far as I had planned lol).... but I stopped running before I hit my second goal, okay fine. Tired? Couldn't breathe? Wanted to give my heart rate a break? (Please note the sarcasm) Well that's fine, if I'm gonna take a break, it's going to serve a purpose. I couldn't run again until my heart rate was down to 135. TORTURE. Because that would effect my run time, but force my body & mind to utilize every moment of slowing down. Compromised rest. I couldn't be angry, that would up my heart rate, I had to be patient, because how much control do you REALLY have over lowering your heart rate? Doing this forced me to not focus on the problem but to just breathe, and know the "problem" would resolve itself when I let go. When I reached inward, and found that still and quiet pace... everything else took care of itself. As far as the Oxygen depletion exercise (the workout with Burkey), I will repeat it until I complete it. Someways our bodies need the training more, other days it's our minds. How many sessions do I really want to waste doing the same thing over & over? Owning your emotions. Allowing them to work for you. I have control issues, I'm beginning to think the only reason they are issues is because I allowed the things I COULD control to control me, such as emotions, reactions, thoughts.... those things are within my realm of control. So, because I felt I couldn't control those things I attempted to control other people, situations, etc... things I could not. Thus the irony of the situation; a quagmire of the human condition.
I've never found anything as fascinating as life itself and the relationship with ourselves. It's like an never ending hole, maybe that's why so many are afraid to jump in. Be honest with yourself, honesty is humbling. I found humility in the question I asked myself last week, "Why do I have no desire to workout in a large group?" The answer I heard first and the loudest was "Because I might find out I'm not as bad ass as I think I am." - WHAT A CAN OF WORMS that answer opened... a blog unto itself. Exploration. Did I really believe that? What was the quieter answer that lay a little deeper? How deep do I want to go? As of that day, that was deep enough for me. As of today, the desire to push myself "THAT" hard is less than it has been..... A moment of clarity: In Yoga they say every pose is brand new. EVERY DAY, EVERY MOMENT is different, because we change moment to moment... nothing is the same, ever. Down to the very cells in our bodies. I create my own suffering through my expectations, comparisons, judgements, expierences, etc.... how about this? How about I just fucking show up and do the work. Back to the basics. That's where you go when who you were is stripped away and it's time to re-build.
Love & Light
Dottie
That was my run time yesterday. Good, bad, or indifferent... THAT'S where I'm at right now. A little faster than the first time, a little slower than the last time. The voice in my head always seems to be the loudest when my body is struggling to catch it's next breath, basic survival instincts. NOTHING else matters to that voice but stopping to breathe, I have to make it matter.
I set multiple goals as I run, for various reasons. A practice in strengthening what I see as the weakest aspects of my personality. Indecision nearly paralyzes me, I think that's true for many of us. I'm forced to make a decision. Running without a goal is just making more work for myself, every second and distance ran without a goal in mind is wasted energy. What's it going towards? Indecision? Procrastination? That's what I'm running towards in that moment, unless I have a goal. A goal also helps me combat that voice inside my head that swears I will die right there on the treadmill if I don't stop this very moment... I've yet to die on a treadmill. And really, I can't think of a single story right now of anyone that has, because the mind quits WAAAAAY before the body does. Its' a fact. I failed to meet my second goal I set for myself yesterday. I quit before I hit the mark I had set. I quit last Thursday with Burkey.... yet both times, I set another goal, almost as punishment, but more so a consequence. A consequence that would make me better next time, not stir up feelings of self-loathing. Both times. Holding myself accountable. I've heard people often say, especially in 12 step recovery groups we should hold each other accountable. HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE. I had that thought as I was running my third goal, and made it. Sprung from a want to text my trainer to tell him I was doing my "endurance day." What the fuck for? After all, this was my training. He wouldn't be standing beside me on the course. And again, what does that action support? What does that energy create more of? Dependence? Looking for outward approval/accountability. I chose to feed integrity.
Going back to my goal setting as consequences. My first goal was a solid mile without stopping at 6.0. Done. Second goal 0.5mile at 5.5 (I was goal setting AS I was running, that was as far as I had planned lol).... but I stopped running before I hit my second goal, okay fine. Tired? Couldn't breathe? Wanted to give my heart rate a break? (Please note the sarcasm) Well that's fine, if I'm gonna take a break, it's going to serve a purpose. I couldn't run again until my heart rate was down to 135. TORTURE. Because that would effect my run time, but force my body & mind to utilize every moment of slowing down. Compromised rest. I couldn't be angry, that would up my heart rate, I had to be patient, because how much control do you REALLY have over lowering your heart rate? Doing this forced me to not focus on the problem but to just breathe, and know the "problem" would resolve itself when I let go. When I reached inward, and found that still and quiet pace... everything else took care of itself. As far as the Oxygen depletion exercise (the workout with Burkey), I will repeat it until I complete it. Someways our bodies need the training more, other days it's our minds. How many sessions do I really want to waste doing the same thing over & over? Owning your emotions. Allowing them to work for you. I have control issues, I'm beginning to think the only reason they are issues is because I allowed the things I COULD control to control me, such as emotions, reactions, thoughts.... those things are within my realm of control. So, because I felt I couldn't control those things I attempted to control other people, situations, etc... things I could not. Thus the irony of the situation; a quagmire of the human condition.
I've never found anything as fascinating as life itself and the relationship with ourselves. It's like an never ending hole, maybe that's why so many are afraid to jump in. Be honest with yourself, honesty is humbling. I found humility in the question I asked myself last week, "Why do I have no desire to workout in a large group?" The answer I heard first and the loudest was "Because I might find out I'm not as bad ass as I think I am." - WHAT A CAN OF WORMS that answer opened... a blog unto itself. Exploration. Did I really believe that? What was the quieter answer that lay a little deeper? How deep do I want to go? As of that day, that was deep enough for me. As of today, the desire to push myself "THAT" hard is less than it has been..... A moment of clarity: In Yoga they say every pose is brand new. EVERY DAY, EVERY MOMENT is different, because we change moment to moment... nothing is the same, ever. Down to the very cells in our bodies. I create my own suffering through my expectations, comparisons, judgements, expierences, etc.... how about this? How about I just fucking show up and do the work. Back to the basics. That's where you go when who you were is stripped away and it's time to re-build.
Love & Light
Dottie
Monday, October 10, 2011
Tough Mudder & Burning Up My Ego
#7 on the top 10 ways to train for the tough mudder: "Eating glass while wrestling giraffes to the ground..."
A month ago I decided I was going to tackle this 10-12 miles of 27 obstacles next fall, approximately a year from now. It's goal, "to test all around strength, stamina, mental grit, and camaraderie." My goal, to give myself a focal point, a reason to keep digging, an outline, a tool to know myself better.
Last week I put a training schedule together for the next couple months, with periodic re-evaluations and amping up inevitably. But right now here's where I'm at:
- 1 endurance day a week at a minimum of 3.1 miles. (Preferably running, but if I can't talk myself into it that's fine I can precor or elliptical, but at a minimum of 5 miles because I'm fairly certain there are no precors or ellipticals on the course)
- 2 flexibility days. (One regular stretching yoga and one yin)
- 1 weight training with Burkey.
- 4-6 cardio's a week
This gives me some organization. A balance. Me being the Libra, yogi, and Buddhist following person I am, balance is of utmost importance. There's an unseen force intricately and beautifully woven into balance. The masculine aspects of weight lifting balanced with the femininity of yoga. The long drawn out aspects of maintaining something for a long period of time balanced with the short outbursts of 30 min cardio. On a grandeur scale, this is the balance of my life. The physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. NOTHING brings you into the moment like physical pain, or like feeling like you may or may not catch your next breath.... and nothing puts in you in reflection like hard earned endorphins pulsating through your body. My ego thrives on this shit, I know that but that's okay for right now. It's exactly what I need to push me. To give me just enough stubborness to not give up, just enough confidence to not allow what others think of my training to make me afraid to do it.... just enough of everything I need to make the changes I need to make, allowing me to better serve a bigger purpose. ALL of it is essential. It had no beginning and will hve no end. We cause our own suffering, our ego causes our suffering . I read the other day that "Suffering has a noble purpose: the evolution of consciousness and the burning up of the ego." There's definately truth in that. Maybe that's what's happening right now...the burning up of my unhealthy ego. Because I feel that burn, figuratively & literally. There is a fire inside of me that I'm just not afraid of anymore. I find comfort in knowing that it all serves a purpose and will burn itself out when that purpose is served. I've realized lately, my ego is huge. I really thought I had a handle on it. That I was aware enough at this point in my life to know 98% of the time when it was enacted. I was wrong. Good thing awareness & willingness is all it takes to allow something to be changed.
Love & Light
Dottie
A month ago I decided I was going to tackle this 10-12 miles of 27 obstacles next fall, approximately a year from now. It's goal, "to test all around strength, stamina, mental grit, and camaraderie." My goal, to give myself a focal point, a reason to keep digging, an outline, a tool to know myself better.
Last week I put a training schedule together for the next couple months, with periodic re-evaluations and amping up inevitably. But right now here's where I'm at:
- 1 endurance day a week at a minimum of 3.1 miles. (Preferably running, but if I can't talk myself into it that's fine I can precor or elliptical, but at a minimum of 5 miles because I'm fairly certain there are no precors or ellipticals on the course)
- 2 flexibility days. (One regular stretching yoga and one yin)
- 1 weight training with Burkey.
- 4-6 cardio's a week
This gives me some organization. A balance. Me being the Libra, yogi, and Buddhist following person I am, balance is of utmost importance. There's an unseen force intricately and beautifully woven into balance. The masculine aspects of weight lifting balanced with the femininity of yoga. The long drawn out aspects of maintaining something for a long period of time balanced with the short outbursts of 30 min cardio. On a grandeur scale, this is the balance of my life. The physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. NOTHING brings you into the moment like physical pain, or like feeling like you may or may not catch your next breath.... and nothing puts in you in reflection like hard earned endorphins pulsating through your body. My ego thrives on this shit, I know that but that's okay for right now. It's exactly what I need to push me. To give me just enough stubborness to not give up, just enough confidence to not allow what others think of my training to make me afraid to do it.... just enough of everything I need to make the changes I need to make, allowing me to better serve a bigger purpose. ALL of it is essential. It had no beginning and will hve no end. We cause our own suffering, our ego causes our suffering . I read the other day that "Suffering has a noble purpose: the evolution of consciousness and the burning up of the ego." There's definately truth in that. Maybe that's what's happening right now...the burning up of my unhealthy ego. Because I feel that burn, figuratively & literally. There is a fire inside of me that I'm just not afraid of anymore. I find comfort in knowing that it all serves a purpose and will burn itself out when that purpose is served. I've realized lately, my ego is huge. I really thought I had a handle on it. That I was aware enough at this point in my life to know 98% of the time when it was enacted. I was wrong. Good thing awareness & willingness is all it takes to allow something to be changed.
Love & Light
Dottie
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Living My Yoga
"It's not about how good you can do the pose, it's about what you discover about yourself in the pose."
Yoga has been one of my greatest teachers, because it simply brings you inward, back to your true nature; below the mindless chatter, the emotional turmoil, & beyond your perceived physical limitations. In one of my least favorite poses which has most often induced an IMMEDIATE emotional response of "I fucking HATE THIS POSE!" Followed by thoughts of, "This is good for me, it will help me grow, just breath into it." About 15 seconds before the teacher said to come out of it... I was DONE. I had decided it was too uncomforable, I didn't care how good it was for me, I was fucking DONE. I STILL hate this pose and *I* can come out of it anytime I want! ... and then, the flood gates of awareness opened up...
In situations that I do not want, or are not ideal according to me, I will do them momentarily, then retreat in a childlike fashion when I realize it's not what I want and nothing I'm doing is bringing about what I want. I'll go into situations, especially with relationships, with a willingness and knowing that if it weren't what I needed, I wouldn't be experiencing it. Feelings of : It's a learning process, and I'm ready for whatever it brings. Intially...
"What are you so afraid of?" - Not getting what I want, it not being what I want it to be. I've said for a long time there are only two things in life I've ever wanted and not gotten, an easy bake oven, and a treehouse. Funny how both of those are child toys right? How about this... I never got my canary yellow mustang, I never got first chair at honor band, I never got my own tuba, and I never got to be the pitcher. My eighth grade class didn't get to go to Washington D.C. and I never got to be Tyler Gillam's girlfriend. I didn't get to go to Vanderbilt university to study medicine, nor did I end up graduated, married, and having my first child by 25. But SOMETHING would be different, probably something HUGE, had I gotten some of those things. I wouldn't be who I am right now. It's that feeling of things being taken away that drives me nuts. Makes me almost neurotic trying to figure out what happened, and what I can do to get it back. Because GOD FORBID something happen beyond my control.
"You can't always get what you want." - When Billie told me that around 6 months ago, I was appalled. But I knew there was truth in that. And now, it's finally hit where it needed to hit. I've felt the cycle in my relationships I kept repeating was always falling in love with someone who couldn't or didn't want to be with me for some reason or another. And although yes, there is some truth to that... THAT in and of itself was not the lesson. The deeper issue, the piece I've been missing, is that it's not always going to be what I want, it's not about what I want. It's about what both of us need. The cycle I've been repeating was retreating in a childlike fashion; allowing what needed to happen for as long as I could, because really, I valued my wants over my needs, which in turn made me value my wants over the wants & needs of others. Thus igniting my selfish tendencies... holy fuck that statement took my breathe away, here's the tears. What a disheartening & humbling realization. So when I absolutely cannot lie to myself anymore, that I have moments of feeling my wants are more important than the needs of myself or others, I retreat. I stop everything. That's why I always feel like I'm doing it to myself. That's why I blame myself, why I feel so fucked in the head, so confused, and why I try SO hard for others to see me as not selfish. Because that's a pretty selfish action.
The lesson here, which I learned on my yoga mat today is this moment, may not be what I want, but it's exactly what I need and when it intricately involves another person, it's exactly what THEY need as well. Retreating, childlike or not, will only bring me ANOTHER opportunity to experience a similar moment. Thus the cycle. I've retreated, without fail, every time, and really thought the issue was the entrance, "Why did I get into this AGAIN?!"... nope it was the exit I was getting wrong. My exit. It's about letting it play itself out; about fully experiencing it, whatever it has to offer, until it offers no more. Then there is no need for any kind of exit, because there was never an entrance, there was never a beginning, so no ending is needed. It's like the wind, or falling asleep. The exact moment it begins or ends cannot be determined, it seems to come from nowhere and go back to nowhere.
We don't want what we have, not for very long anyways. It gets boring, we want something different. But we don't want to want something different! We want to want what we have right? Isn't that what they say, want what you have? When the flow stops our deepest selves yearn for something different to get the flow going again. If the flow stops, we die, parts of us die. It is imperative to keep moving. And this can be as painful or as beautiful as decide it to be.
As long as this blog already is, I'm hesitant to add anymore. Yet, I can't help but to think about the phrases I've heard in the last week or so, that have resonated with me. Those phrases that seem to all find there place this morning on my yoga mat. All from people very close to my heart. "It's always about what you are or aren't getting out of our connection." "Let it be what it is" (from 3 different sources), "You can't always get what you want." I knew there was truth in each of those, the moment they were said, I just didn't know what to do with them at the time. And the ironic thing is, last night I decided to not do anything.
The most beautiful thing about awareness, is that it cannot be un-learned and makes it so much more difficult to repeat a behavior which as caused you suffering.
Love & Light
Dottie
Yoga has been one of my greatest teachers, because it simply brings you inward, back to your true nature; below the mindless chatter, the emotional turmoil, & beyond your perceived physical limitations. In one of my least favorite poses which has most often induced an IMMEDIATE emotional response of "I fucking HATE THIS POSE!" Followed by thoughts of, "This is good for me, it will help me grow, just breath into it." About 15 seconds before the teacher said to come out of it... I was DONE. I had decided it was too uncomforable, I didn't care how good it was for me, I was fucking DONE. I STILL hate this pose and *I* can come out of it anytime I want! ... and then, the flood gates of awareness opened up...
In situations that I do not want, or are not ideal according to me, I will do them momentarily, then retreat in a childlike fashion when I realize it's not what I want and nothing I'm doing is bringing about what I want. I'll go into situations, especially with relationships, with a willingness and knowing that if it weren't what I needed, I wouldn't be experiencing it. Feelings of : It's a learning process, and I'm ready for whatever it brings. Intially...
"What are you so afraid of?" - Not getting what I want, it not being what I want it to be. I've said for a long time there are only two things in life I've ever wanted and not gotten, an easy bake oven, and a treehouse. Funny how both of those are child toys right? How about this... I never got my canary yellow mustang, I never got first chair at honor band, I never got my own tuba, and I never got to be the pitcher. My eighth grade class didn't get to go to Washington D.C. and I never got to be Tyler Gillam's girlfriend. I didn't get to go to Vanderbilt university to study medicine, nor did I end up graduated, married, and having my first child by 25. But SOMETHING would be different, probably something HUGE, had I gotten some of those things. I wouldn't be who I am right now. It's that feeling of things being taken away that drives me nuts. Makes me almost neurotic trying to figure out what happened, and what I can do to get it back. Because GOD FORBID something happen beyond my control.
"You can't always get what you want." - When Billie told me that around 6 months ago, I was appalled. But I knew there was truth in that. And now, it's finally hit where it needed to hit. I've felt the cycle in my relationships I kept repeating was always falling in love with someone who couldn't or didn't want to be with me for some reason or another. And although yes, there is some truth to that... THAT in and of itself was not the lesson. The deeper issue, the piece I've been missing, is that it's not always going to be what I want, it's not about what I want. It's about what both of us need. The cycle I've been repeating was retreating in a childlike fashion; allowing what needed to happen for as long as I could, because really, I valued my wants over my needs, which in turn made me value my wants over the wants & needs of others. Thus igniting my selfish tendencies... holy fuck that statement took my breathe away, here's the tears. What a disheartening & humbling realization. So when I absolutely cannot lie to myself anymore, that I have moments of feeling my wants are more important than the needs of myself or others, I retreat. I stop everything. That's why I always feel like I'm doing it to myself. That's why I blame myself, why I feel so fucked in the head, so confused, and why I try SO hard for others to see me as not selfish. Because that's a pretty selfish action.
The lesson here, which I learned on my yoga mat today is this moment, may not be what I want, but it's exactly what I need and when it intricately involves another person, it's exactly what THEY need as well. Retreating, childlike or not, will only bring me ANOTHER opportunity to experience a similar moment. Thus the cycle. I've retreated, without fail, every time, and really thought the issue was the entrance, "Why did I get into this AGAIN?!"... nope it was the exit I was getting wrong. My exit. It's about letting it play itself out; about fully experiencing it, whatever it has to offer, until it offers no more. Then there is no need for any kind of exit, because there was never an entrance, there was never a beginning, so no ending is needed. It's like the wind, or falling asleep. The exact moment it begins or ends cannot be determined, it seems to come from nowhere and go back to nowhere.
We don't want what we have, not for very long anyways. It gets boring, we want something different. But we don't want to want something different! We want to want what we have right? Isn't that what they say, want what you have? When the flow stops our deepest selves yearn for something different to get the flow going again. If the flow stops, we die, parts of us die. It is imperative to keep moving. And this can be as painful or as beautiful as decide it to be.
As long as this blog already is, I'm hesitant to add anymore. Yet, I can't help but to think about the phrases I've heard in the last week or so, that have resonated with me. Those phrases that seem to all find there place this morning on my yoga mat. All from people very close to my heart. "It's always about what you are or aren't getting out of our connection." "Let it be what it is" (from 3 different sources), "You can't always get what you want." I knew there was truth in each of those, the moment they were said, I just didn't know what to do with them at the time. And the ironic thing is, last night I decided to not do anything.
The most beautiful thing about awareness, is that it cannot be un-learned and makes it so much more difficult to repeat a behavior which as caused you suffering.
Love & Light
Dottie
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Beliefs About Pain
"What is my belief about pain? What do I correlate pain with?
With ice on my ankle & apple in hand I asked myself this question, "What do I correlate pain with?" I do not shy away from pain. Those who know me would probably say I welcome it, I embrace it almost too much. So, what is my belief about pain that makes me so okay with experiencing it? Simple. Pain = strength, getting stronger, growth. Pain makes me stronger, on all levels. No painful experience has allowed me to come out unchanged. Even if crippling, it is temporary at best. My ankle hurts - I just ran 3.1 miles to the best of my ability today. What does this pain tell me? Not that I cannot do 3.1 miles, but that NEXT time my ankle will be better able to withstand that 3.1 miles. It's getting stronger.
"Whether it's true or not, what we believe to be true is what really matters."
Love & Light
Dottie
With ice on my ankle & apple in hand I asked myself this question, "What do I correlate pain with?" I do not shy away from pain. Those who know me would probably say I welcome it, I embrace it almost too much. So, what is my belief about pain that makes me so okay with experiencing it? Simple. Pain = strength, getting stronger, growth. Pain makes me stronger, on all levels. No painful experience has allowed me to come out unchanged. Even if crippling, it is temporary at best. My ankle hurts - I just ran 3.1 miles to the best of my ability today. What does this pain tell me? Not that I cannot do 3.1 miles, but that NEXT time my ankle will be better able to withstand that 3.1 miles. It's getting stronger.
"Whether it's true or not, what we believe to be true is what really matters."
Love & Light
Dottie
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Pain & Suffering
I awoke about 45min ago, and laid there. Maybe it was the pain. The soreness had begun to set in. I hurt from armpit to armpit. I smiled, and turned over. I couldn't go back to sleep though. I thought of the gym & running. I reflected upon the workout with Burkey the day before & conversations with a new friend. People who share in, what I perceive to be a very unique outlook on fitness, I don't even want to call it fitness. But what the hell else would I call it? So, here I am, 5:44am. I kept hearing myself ask the question, "What do I want?" & the answer was always, "More." It made me nervous. A typical addict statement. More. More is never enough. I relentless pursuit of that which will never satiate. I spent almost two hours at the gym yesterday. Training for an hour, then decided it wasn't enough so I hoped on the treadmill & ran. I came home and showered only to find myself wanting a "leisurely barefooted walk" about 3 hours later, which turned into a barefooted run. When I woke up this morning, all I thought about was bench pressing. Yesterday was the first time we did real bench pressing stuff and several times I wasn't sure if I was gonna get that bar up, and told Burkey through gritted teeth not to touch it. A "safety net" if you will, somehow has a way of making people not push themselves as hard as they could. Fuck that safety net, I didn't want him to touch my bar. I was going to get it up. Believe it or not, weight lifting is never an isolated muscle exercise, if it is your doing it wrong & cheating yourself. I did fail at getting that weight up at least 3 times. I wanted to push myself into & through failure. The thing that finally got that bar up had nothing to do with strength, but a change in my breathing. It made all the difference. Utilization of the energetic life force. A deep breathe along with a pause as I held the bar above my chest, holding the breath on the way down, and breathing out while pushing the weight away from my body. Where I had failed to get it up even a second time, I got it up three times. And I laughed. A joy. I loved it. As if I was pushing back against every emotion that had pushed on me for the last 10 years. It was payback. I fought back against whatever it was that had so often fueled those days & nights of self-destruction. Breathing & pushing that hard make you go places inside yourself you haven't been in years. I don't mind going there these days, in fact I welcome it. I've built a positive relationship with pain & suffering... in that way, in eradicates itself. If the relationship is positive, and I find joy within it; then where is the pain & suffering?
Love & Light
Dottie
Love & Light
Dottie
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Growing Passion
"There are few things I enjoy more than training hard."
- My thought Monday after working out with Burkey. As if I had been denying that fact, ashamed of what people would think if they knew how much I really loved to put my body through rigorous physical training... dammit I can't find the quote but something along the line of a drive to push one's self which borders on psychosis. < I've been there. We laugh joking about how sick we are & how much we love it. There have been surreal moments this week. Surprised by what I could do and was doing. Secretly admiring the blood blisters on my hands, and bruises on my shins... that bar has no empathy. Smiling with every sore movement of my body for days afterward. My hidden pride, knowing what I can do in that that station, wanting only more. To push more, to lift more, to see what kind of internal dialogue pops up after holding a 15ft slosh pipe over your head for 3 min slowly loosing feeling in your arms becoming aware of the phantom sensation of water trickling down my forearms. What is said in my head, says a lot about me... and I want to know what that is. People watch, and you breathe. Because there comes a point when it takes all you have to simply do that, just breathe. Speaking of watching, that's what I'm doing. Watching a passion for training grow inside me like my passion for personal growth, which I guess they could go hand in hand. Inspired by those who train on a level many would consider "crazy"... yet I see it as honesty, willingness, & humility. I see it as part of an intricate matrix of who I am. Physical, mental, & spiritual. Allegory. A word I didn't even know the meaning to until a few days ago, unaware I didn't know the meaning until a comment was made standing outside Anytime Fitness holding my station 515 shirt. I wasn't gonna wear that shirt until I knew wtf allegory meant, lol. Powerful. Strong. Humble. Scared. Courageous. Willing. Proud. Honest.... just a a few of the things I feel when I drop that bar, scream out because it hurts, or express how much I FUCKING HATE whatever I'm about to do, but do it anyway. What am I passionate about? A question I ask myself from time to time. I'm passionate about personal growth on all levels. Allowing the physical, mental, & spiritual to dance within a beautiful balance of every feeling, emotion, & action or non-action. I'm passionate about being as tough as I am delicate, as feminine as I am masculine, & as healed as I was broken. Reminding myself of the importance of rest with drive. Inspired. Passionately inspired. I love this shit. I want more, like any good addict, I want more. But today, that which I pursue leads me down a path of self-discovery. "Know they self." I'm no longer afraid of who I am. When you have consciously & willingly exposed yourself to pain your threshold increases. What is there to fear, if you've already experienced more pain that what is coming? Whether it by choice or chance? Once you've been there, your less afraid to go back. So go first willingly. Allegory.
Love & Light
Dottie
- My thought Monday after working out with Burkey. As if I had been denying that fact, ashamed of what people would think if they knew how much I really loved to put my body through rigorous physical training... dammit I can't find the quote but something along the line of a drive to push one's self which borders on psychosis. < I've been there. We laugh joking about how sick we are & how much we love it. There have been surreal moments this week. Surprised by what I could do and was doing. Secretly admiring the blood blisters on my hands, and bruises on my shins... that bar has no empathy. Smiling with every sore movement of my body for days afterward. My hidden pride, knowing what I can do in that that station, wanting only more. To push more, to lift more, to see what kind of internal dialogue pops up after holding a 15ft slosh pipe over your head for 3 min slowly loosing feeling in your arms becoming aware of the phantom sensation of water trickling down my forearms. What is said in my head, says a lot about me... and I want to know what that is. People watch, and you breathe. Because there comes a point when it takes all you have to simply do that, just breathe. Speaking of watching, that's what I'm doing. Watching a passion for training grow inside me like my passion for personal growth, which I guess they could go hand in hand. Inspired by those who train on a level many would consider "crazy"... yet I see it as honesty, willingness, & humility. I see it as part of an intricate matrix of who I am. Physical, mental, & spiritual. Allegory. A word I didn't even know the meaning to until a few days ago, unaware I didn't know the meaning until a comment was made standing outside Anytime Fitness holding my station 515 shirt. I wasn't gonna wear that shirt until I knew wtf allegory meant, lol. Powerful. Strong. Humble. Scared. Courageous. Willing. Proud. Honest.... just a a few of the things I feel when I drop that bar, scream out because it hurts, or express how much I FUCKING HATE whatever I'm about to do, but do it anyway. What am I passionate about? A question I ask myself from time to time. I'm passionate about personal growth on all levels. Allowing the physical, mental, & spiritual to dance within a beautiful balance of every feeling, emotion, & action or non-action. I'm passionate about being as tough as I am delicate, as feminine as I am masculine, & as healed as I was broken. Reminding myself of the importance of rest with drive. Inspired. Passionately inspired. I love this shit. I want more, like any good addict, I want more. But today, that which I pursue leads me down a path of self-discovery. "Know they self." I'm no longer afraid of who I am. When you have consciously & willingly exposed yourself to pain your threshold increases. What is there to fear, if you've already experienced more pain that what is coming? Whether it by choice or chance? Once you've been there, your less afraid to go back. So go first willingly. Allegory.
Love & Light
Dottie
Friday, June 24, 2011
My Body, Artfully Crafted
"Just think about that beach body"
What a joke, I thought. I laughed & shook my head. There was a picture of a beach with a fake sun just above those words. I thought of how terrible it must be to hate every minute of self-improvement. To wish to be ANYWHERE but right there, earning the body you have. Because that's the truth, we have earned whatever body we have. Our bodies are simply a physical manifestation of thoughts, experience, feelings, effort, work, etc. "Be with your body" - I heard that too in yoga yesterday. Be with my body. This beautiful piece of art that I've watched morph over the past 2 years due to an unwavering faith, a willingness to do whatever it takes, going to places within myself I was terrified to go. My body is a canvas of which you can see where I've been & who I am at any given moment, because my body will always carry remnants of 319 lbs, and that's okay. That's my story. There will forever be self-induced scars on my thighs & calves, a portal for my pain when I knew no other outlet, and that's okay. Along with small tell-tell signs of anxiety induced picking at my face and upper arms, because that was the safest thing I could do at that moment. My shoddy nail beds and slightly aged skin are fragments of years spent desperately trying to get others to perceive me as pretty with acrylic nails and year round tanning, because I allowed what others thought of me to carry entirely to much weight, and if they thought I was pretty, and told me enough, maybe I would believe it too. Hmm, interesting isn't it? I spent the first 22 years of my life reaching for an outward solution to my inward problems. Today, I am building myself anew from the inside out both figuratively & literally. I address the real issues, the inner issues, whatever they may be and watch as the outside changes as a result of this.. I watch my leg muscles naturally chisel themselves out, my collar bones dominate my upper chest, and know that although I can't see them yet... there HAS to be a six pack under what's left of my slowly fading armor of fat I've carried for years. My hair cannot get short enough, and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE that I can dead life 295lbs, which is more than my body weight. Yoga keeps me feminine & flexible. I run physically now so I don't have to run emotionally. I may not ever have the "beach body" so many of us think about when we see signs like the one I saw in the gym today, but I'm going to have MY body. I'm going to know good, bad, or indifferent, I earned that body, and I'm gonna wear it proudly.
Did I do this alone any of it, the destruction and rebuilding of who I am? Absolutely not. We cannot function alone. We are not here to be alone, to face life alone. I am so grateful for the people who have been part of this process. It's not about that beach body, I couldn't give a fuck about that beach body. It's about the process of getting to where you are, right now. It's bout knowing yourself, loving yourself, forgiving yourself. It's about knowing it's okay to be mad at yourself sometimes, and really, no, you don't know who you are. No one knows who they are. I am whatever kind of person you perceive me to be, to you that is. I wouldn't be able to convince you otherwise. My perceptions of me, are no no less bias than yours. Because guess what, even we don't know everything about ourselves, we hide things from ourselves. So who are you? You don't know. I know who I perceive me to be. What do you THINK about yourself should be a more appropriate question. Because that's what really matters, what you think of yourself effects every moment of your life. Every decision, every relationship, failure, success, EVERYTHING. So what do you think about yourself? It matters. Whether this person or that person agrees or not, doesn't matter. Whether it's "true" or not doesn't matter. What do you think of yourself? I asked myself that question today. And if there is something about yourself that you don't like, or is hindering your goals & aspirations, then change it, but you can't fix what you don't know is broken. I've spent years trying to answer the question who am I? And couldn't come up with an answer. I was asking the wrong question. How do I see myself? Is what I was suppose to be asking myself. And replying honestly, no matter how much I may not have wanted to admit it. At the very least, admit it to yourself. There will be some things I may not like about myself, but how do I perceive me? It's imperative that I know this. Along with the truth that this perception will change, I will change, & other's perception will change. Everything changes, and thank God for that.
It's amazing how when we are there it doesn't seem "that bad" but yet as we recover from self-destruction it becomes so much more clear how much we really hated ourselves. This is my recovery.
Love & Light
Dottie
What a joke, I thought. I laughed & shook my head. There was a picture of a beach with a fake sun just above those words. I thought of how terrible it must be to hate every minute of self-improvement. To wish to be ANYWHERE but right there, earning the body you have. Because that's the truth, we have earned whatever body we have. Our bodies are simply a physical manifestation of thoughts, experience, feelings, effort, work, etc. "Be with your body" - I heard that too in yoga yesterday. Be with my body. This beautiful piece of art that I've watched morph over the past 2 years due to an unwavering faith, a willingness to do whatever it takes, going to places within myself I was terrified to go. My body is a canvas of which you can see where I've been & who I am at any given moment, because my body will always carry remnants of 319 lbs, and that's okay. That's my story. There will forever be self-induced scars on my thighs & calves, a portal for my pain when I knew no other outlet, and that's okay. Along with small tell-tell signs of anxiety induced picking at my face and upper arms, because that was the safest thing I could do at that moment. My shoddy nail beds and slightly aged skin are fragments of years spent desperately trying to get others to perceive me as pretty with acrylic nails and year round tanning, because I allowed what others thought of me to carry entirely to much weight, and if they thought I was pretty, and told me enough, maybe I would believe it too. Hmm, interesting isn't it? I spent the first 22 years of my life reaching for an outward solution to my inward problems. Today, I am building myself anew from the inside out both figuratively & literally. I address the real issues, the inner issues, whatever they may be and watch as the outside changes as a result of this.. I watch my leg muscles naturally chisel themselves out, my collar bones dominate my upper chest, and know that although I can't see them yet... there HAS to be a six pack under what's left of my slowly fading armor of fat I've carried for years. My hair cannot get short enough, and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE that I can dead life 295lbs, which is more than my body weight. Yoga keeps me feminine & flexible. I run physically now so I don't have to run emotionally. I may not ever have the "beach body" so many of us think about when we see signs like the one I saw in the gym today, but I'm going to have MY body. I'm going to know good, bad, or indifferent, I earned that body, and I'm gonna wear it proudly.
Did I do this alone any of it, the destruction and rebuilding of who I am? Absolutely not. We cannot function alone. We are not here to be alone, to face life alone. I am so grateful for the people who have been part of this process. It's not about that beach body, I couldn't give a fuck about that beach body. It's about the process of getting to where you are, right now. It's bout knowing yourself, loving yourself, forgiving yourself. It's about knowing it's okay to be mad at yourself sometimes, and really, no, you don't know who you are. No one knows who they are. I am whatever kind of person you perceive me to be, to you that is. I wouldn't be able to convince you otherwise. My perceptions of me, are no no less bias than yours. Because guess what, even we don't know everything about ourselves, we hide things from ourselves. So who are you? You don't know. I know who I perceive me to be. What do you THINK about yourself should be a more appropriate question. Because that's what really matters, what you think of yourself effects every moment of your life. Every decision, every relationship, failure, success, EVERYTHING. So what do you think about yourself? It matters. Whether this person or that person agrees or not, doesn't matter. Whether it's "true" or not doesn't matter. What do you think of yourself? I asked myself that question today. And if there is something about yourself that you don't like, or is hindering your goals & aspirations, then change it, but you can't fix what you don't know is broken. I've spent years trying to answer the question who am I? And couldn't come up with an answer. I was asking the wrong question. How do I see myself? Is what I was suppose to be asking myself. And replying honestly, no matter how much I may not have wanted to admit it. At the very least, admit it to yourself. There will be some things I may not like about myself, but how do I perceive me? It's imperative that I know this. Along with the truth that this perception will change, I will change, & other's perception will change. Everything changes, and thank God for that.
It's amazing how when we are there it doesn't seem "that bad" but yet as we recover from self-destruction it becomes so much more clear how much we really hated ourselves. This is my recovery.
Love & Light
Dottie
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Allowing Others, Yet Denying Myself
"I allow others to be who they are, yet deny myself the same freedom."
That was the thought I had this morning. Then I reflected up on it. Recently I've realized I'm always on guard just a little, there's always a wall there about halfway. I'm always afraid of what people are going to cause to rise up within my psyche. Afraid of what they will do to my serenity, my emotional or spiritual energies. I'm all about protecting myself because I don't know what demons you've got lurking in and around you, and I sure the hell don't need them, I have enough of my own. I'm afraid of people making me angry, afraid of people draining me, needing me too much (because I'm afraid of letting them down. So if I don't allow people to "need" me then, I can't let them down." In meditation this morning I thought of how many times I've said, "I'm afraid of myself." The amount of fear that I have hidden for 25 years is astounding. I'm like really? I'm riddled with fear. If I cannot be comfortable with myself and God, it's nearly impossible to be comfortable with anyone else. If I'm terrified that *I* am going to hurt me, then why would I think anyone else won't? I can't/don't even trust myself. It's no wonder I trust no one else. The safest I do feel is with myself, yet I still don't feel safe. I'm afraid of the feelings I may feel when no one else is around, and although it has been quite some time since I have physically hurt myself, the fear that obsession or compulsion may return is there. A Course in Weight Loss says being alone with our addiction or compulsion is like being alone with a mad man. It's true. The remedy is to reach out, to be with people. Which is also true. I've seen it be true in my recovery from alcoholism. I've blogged before that I think the reason I like to blog is because it's a false sense of intimacy. If I blog publicly, I'm not entirely hiding, but God forbid I tell you this in person. I told mys sponsor the other day something along the lines of I don't feel deserving of the good people do for me. She said that was bullshit. She was right, I knew it, but I needed to know if what was bullshit... then what was the truth. It's not that I don't feel deserving. It's that I don't want to feel obligated. If you do for me, then I feel like I have to do for you, well I don't like doing ANYTHING I feel like I have to do. I like to do what Dottie likes to do. I had a friend get me something really sweet for my birthday last year. I got her nothing. I feel guilt EVERY. SINGLE. TIME I think about the fact she got me something, and I got her nothing. I look at my Uncle and think, nothing I ever do in my life can repay him for what he's given and done for me. I can't give him back the 30,000 + miles I've probably put on his Envoy. I can't give him back the 5,000 dollars I owe him right now. I can't give back to him the time and energy he has spent helping me get on my feet. How do I repay him when my debt is having a roof over my head for no other reason that he loves me and wants me to do well? I can't pay that back. Shit, apparently I can't even accept it. So, maybe under the I don't want to receive because I don't want to feel obligated to repay, is I just don't know how to receive. I don't know how to just allow good in. I want to give it away as quickly as I get it. Because I'm a very blessed woman, and I want to give to others, but first I need to give to myself. Or is it the other way around? :) All I know is that I got up at 5:30 this morning, I've meditated and my coffee turned out great. I also know that know matter what is going on in my head, God ha something bigger going on in my heart.
"I'm receiving all good now." - The card I drew this morning. Quite fitting.
Dear God, may I find safety, security, and Love within myself and You. May I receive all good graciously and know I am deserving. My I give good graciously as I am guided by You. Thank you for my willingness and clarity to know myself better. Thank you for the miracles happening at this very moment. Amen
Love & Light
Dottie
That was the thought I had this morning. Then I reflected up on it. Recently I've realized I'm always on guard just a little, there's always a wall there about halfway. I'm always afraid of what people are going to cause to rise up within my psyche. Afraid of what they will do to my serenity, my emotional or spiritual energies. I'm all about protecting myself because I don't know what demons you've got lurking in and around you, and I sure the hell don't need them, I have enough of my own. I'm afraid of people making me angry, afraid of people draining me, needing me too much (because I'm afraid of letting them down. So if I don't allow people to "need" me then, I can't let them down." In meditation this morning I thought of how many times I've said, "I'm afraid of myself." The amount of fear that I have hidden for 25 years is astounding. I'm like really? I'm riddled with fear. If I cannot be comfortable with myself and God, it's nearly impossible to be comfortable with anyone else. If I'm terrified that *I* am going to hurt me, then why would I think anyone else won't? I can't/don't even trust myself. It's no wonder I trust no one else. The safest I do feel is with myself, yet I still don't feel safe. I'm afraid of the feelings I may feel when no one else is around, and although it has been quite some time since I have physically hurt myself, the fear that obsession or compulsion may return is there. A Course in Weight Loss says being alone with our addiction or compulsion is like being alone with a mad man. It's true. The remedy is to reach out, to be with people. Which is also true. I've seen it be true in my recovery from alcoholism. I've blogged before that I think the reason I like to blog is because it's a false sense of intimacy. If I blog publicly, I'm not entirely hiding, but God forbid I tell you this in person. I told mys sponsor the other day something along the lines of I don't feel deserving of the good people do for me. She said that was bullshit. She was right, I knew it, but I needed to know if what was bullshit... then what was the truth. It's not that I don't feel deserving. It's that I don't want to feel obligated. If you do for me, then I feel like I have to do for you, well I don't like doing ANYTHING I feel like I have to do. I like to do what Dottie likes to do. I had a friend get me something really sweet for my birthday last year. I got her nothing. I feel guilt EVERY. SINGLE. TIME I think about the fact she got me something, and I got her nothing. I look at my Uncle and think, nothing I ever do in my life can repay him for what he's given and done for me. I can't give him back the 30,000 + miles I've probably put on his Envoy. I can't give him back the 5,000 dollars I owe him right now. I can't give back to him the time and energy he has spent helping me get on my feet. How do I repay him when my debt is having a roof over my head for no other reason that he loves me and wants me to do well? I can't pay that back. Shit, apparently I can't even accept it. So, maybe under the I don't want to receive because I don't want to feel obligated to repay, is I just don't know how to receive. I don't know how to just allow good in. I want to give it away as quickly as I get it. Because I'm a very blessed woman, and I want to give to others, but first I need to give to myself. Or is it the other way around? :) All I know is that I got up at 5:30 this morning, I've meditated and my coffee turned out great. I also know that know matter what is going on in my head, God ha something bigger going on in my heart.
"I'm receiving all good now." - The card I drew this morning. Quite fitting.
Dear God, may I find safety, security, and Love within myself and You. May I receive all good graciously and know I am deserving. My I give good graciously as I am guided by You. Thank you for my willingness and clarity to know myself better. Thank you for the miracles happening at this very moment. Amen
Love & Light
Dottie
Friday, April 1, 2011
A Mirror of Self: She's Fat
The site of her instantaneously makes me curl up my nose and just stare at her. I usually start at her ankles, noticing how tiny her feet look against her humongous legs. She big. Very big. And it's apparent I have issues with her, because she's big. Of course the question is what am I seeing in her that is being reflected back, but that is not the point of this blog. The point is to be entirely honest with myself about how I feel about her, let it go and allow Love and compassion to flow freely. I watch her walk with her cane and think, you have to know the reason you walk with a cane is because you are extremely overweight right? I see a wasted life. I see someone dying before there time. I see an unnecessary struggle to live and function a daily basis. I see the possibility of who I could be without constant self-reflection and fearless facing of my demons. I don't respect her. How could I? I can't stand to be in the same room with her. And when she sits at my nurses station I just want to kick the back of her chair and tell her to move her fat ass. I wonder what she looks like naked, and if her husband even remotely finds her attractive? How could he? Was she always this big? What does he look like? Maybe he's a big fat fucking blob too, then I guess it wouldn't matter, she doesn't see it in herself, he doesn't see it in himself.... a beautiful blinded Love. Bastards. She's married? WTF. What about me? I just wanna rip her wedding ring off her finger, IF I could get it off. AND it's huge! More karats than I've seen most woman wear. I admit, she's intelligent, and willing to help you with any question. However, shes' got a bit of a smart mouth, and I just look at her like really? REALLY. You want to be smart? Just shut the fuck up, I don't respect you anyhow. I wondered today how difficult it really is for her to take her shoes off. Where she shops. How much extra energy she wastes every single day on the most common and mundane activities. Can she whip her ass? Is it possible? When's the last time she had sex with her husband. What about when she's on her period? I mean, c'mon!!! She has body tissue literally falling all over the place, it's not pretty, it's not convenient, how much denial is this woman in? These already semi-gross aspects of life are multiplied in her case. My nose is curled right now, disgusted. I'm just absolutely disgusted. I don't like her talking to me. I'd just assume pretend she's not there. I don't want to look at her, talk to her, nothing. I just want to look at her and be like so what's it like to weigh 500 lbs? I've watched you. You can't bend over to pick anything up. You're dependant on people around you. You can't fit in 9/10's of the chairs at our facility, it takes you 10 minutes to get in your car.... I've watched you. I've watched you in utter fear, terrified. Having said a thousand times in my life, "If I ever get that big, please, I beg you... please just shoot me" and I mean it.
The tears are sitting in my eyes already and I haven't even wrote anything. A chill just ran down my body, and my mind is thinking of anything to get me away from this computer. All of a sudden, I'm tired. My body and mind is shutting down, shutting it out. < This is what resistance looks like ladies and gentlemen. The moment I noticed myself staring at her ankles, I prayed. I asked God to free me from the thoughts of judgement I was having against her. I just realized I didn't pray for clarity. I asked to feel only Love and compassion for this woman who was obviously dying inside. I wondered why she hurt so much. I wondered what she really felt inside. I remembered moments of always being the first one to jump up to help her, only to cuss her under my breath. Recognizing I struggle with my own feelings towards her. Going out of my way every chance I get to enable this way of life. I become angry at her for handicapping herself. I recognize that in denying her freedom, I'm denying it to myself. If I look at her and become angry because she represents aspects, or potential aspects of my personality.... there is unforgiveness, there is a lack of love towards myself. And if I can't love myself completely and unconditionally, I am hindered in my spiritual growth. I'm ready to be whole, balanced. I'm on a mission. A mission to live the life God wants me to live and frankly, I'm tired of fucking around. So let's look at it... all of it; the good, the bad, the ugly. Somewhere in the back of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says the best way to get rid of a resentment is to pray for that person, ask God to grant them all the things you'd want for yourself. What does she want? I don't know. But I'm going to pray that she.... I don't even know where to start. Maybe I'm not there yet, but I'm willing; willing to be there whenever I'm ready to be there. I immediately went back to praying for myself, asking God to help me to release anger, help me to see clearly what I need to see, help me feel only love and compassion for her. But why would I want those things? None of that is helping her in anyway. Judgement. I'm full of judgement. A fearless and moral inventory. Yeah, that's where I'm at. There and here...
I recognize some aspect of her weight is reflecting an aspect of me and mine on a subconscious level, this reflection creates a panic inside of me, a fear. "Where ever the mind is not filled with Love, there is a propensity for insanity." All my hateful words and thoughts are really aimed at me. If she's a mirror, everything I say or do, is aimed right back at me. I wish to be free from this judgement and fear. I want to feel only Love when I look at her, when I look at me.
Dear God, please heal this part of me that is irritated when I look at her. I'm willing to release this anger in exchange for Love and peace. What is this teaching me? How can I help bring about the highest level of healing for both of us, for all of us? Amen.
Love & Light
Dottie
The tears are sitting in my eyes already and I haven't even wrote anything. A chill just ran down my body, and my mind is thinking of anything to get me away from this computer. All of a sudden, I'm tired. My body and mind is shutting down, shutting it out. < This is what resistance looks like ladies and gentlemen. The moment I noticed myself staring at her ankles, I prayed. I asked God to free me from the thoughts of judgement I was having against her. I just realized I didn't pray for clarity. I asked to feel only Love and compassion for this woman who was obviously dying inside. I wondered why she hurt so much. I wondered what she really felt inside. I remembered moments of always being the first one to jump up to help her, only to cuss her under my breath. Recognizing I struggle with my own feelings towards her. Going out of my way every chance I get to enable this way of life. I become angry at her for handicapping herself. I recognize that in denying her freedom, I'm denying it to myself. If I look at her and become angry because she represents aspects, or potential aspects of my personality.... there is unforgiveness, there is a lack of love towards myself. And if I can't love myself completely and unconditionally, I am hindered in my spiritual growth. I'm ready to be whole, balanced. I'm on a mission. A mission to live the life God wants me to live and frankly, I'm tired of fucking around. So let's look at it... all of it; the good, the bad, the ugly. Somewhere in the back of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says the best way to get rid of a resentment is to pray for that person, ask God to grant them all the things you'd want for yourself. What does she want? I don't know. But I'm going to pray that she.... I don't even know where to start. Maybe I'm not there yet, but I'm willing; willing to be there whenever I'm ready to be there. I immediately went back to praying for myself, asking God to help me to release anger, help me to see clearly what I need to see, help me feel only love and compassion for her. But why would I want those things? None of that is helping her in anyway. Judgement. I'm full of judgement. A fearless and moral inventory. Yeah, that's where I'm at. There and here...
I recognize some aspect of her weight is reflecting an aspect of me and mine on a subconscious level, this reflection creates a panic inside of me, a fear. "Where ever the mind is not filled with Love, there is a propensity for insanity." All my hateful words and thoughts are really aimed at me. If she's a mirror, everything I say or do, is aimed right back at me. I wish to be free from this judgement and fear. I want to feel only Love when I look at her, when I look at me.
Dear God, please heal this part of me that is irritated when I look at her. I'm willing to release this anger in exchange for Love and peace. What is this teaching me? How can I help bring about the highest level of healing for both of us, for all of us? Amen.
Love & Light
Dottie
Monday, March 28, 2011
Nice Job Addict
Wow. The desire to smoke hit me as I was about to sit down. It's been so long since I've felt that desire I almost forgot what it was like.
So, here I am. The urge to write is strong, but the subject matter seems to be elusive. I feel a larger sense of what I write here being "better" than it used to be. Why? Because discovering I have two new followers that I don't even know caught me off gaurd and allowed my ego to get stroked for a moment. I've allowed myself to enjoy doing nothing for a few hours today, a very short few hours, I begin to get restless. Sitting here breads anger, like I'm not writing what I'm suppose to write. Something needs to be said and I'm not saying it. So why don't we start with what I'm looking at right now... literally & figuratively:
There is an empty plate with only smears of what's left of my chocolate cherry cake sitting under my computer monitor. Everytime I look at it I think, FUCK. There's a whole bunch of calories for nothing, only to let me crash later. Nice job addict. Along with the brownie, Totino's pizza, and ritz crackers and cheese.. wtf. I'm terrified of getting on the scale. I've done nothing but eat everything I could get my hands on for about a week. Except last night. A ray of hope shined. I left work after a 15 hour shift taking care of patients on a floor where over 60percent of them either had the flu or exhibited flu-like symptoms. I was wanting to baby myself becaue I had been up since 6:30 (and i'm NOT a morning person) dealt with a ton of sneezing, coughing, comfused patients, new staff, whiney staff, my coworker calling in and the day shift nurse staying over and leaving early and blah blah blah..... oh and I had one patient die before the day was through. Alright, enough of me whining. The end of the day I felt good, acoomplished, the ache in my feet brought nothing but gratitude the day was done. Somewhere along the drive home I thought McDonald's meal would be the perfect way to nurture mysef, then I realized that it wasn't the mcdonalds I wanted, but just to nurture myself, and I could do that with a shower once I got home, and so that's how it was. Thank God.
So, here I am. The urge to write is strong, but the subject matter seems to be elusive. I feel a larger sense of what I write here being "better" than it used to be. Why? Because discovering I have two new followers that I don't even know caught me off gaurd and allowed my ego to get stroked for a moment. I've allowed myself to enjoy doing nothing for a few hours today, a very short few hours, I begin to get restless. Sitting here breads anger, like I'm not writing what I'm suppose to write. Something needs to be said and I'm not saying it. So why don't we start with what I'm looking at right now... literally & figuratively:
There is an empty plate with only smears of what's left of my chocolate cherry cake sitting under my computer monitor. Everytime I look at it I think, FUCK. There's a whole bunch of calories for nothing, only to let me crash later. Nice job addict. Along with the brownie, Totino's pizza, and ritz crackers and cheese.. wtf. I'm terrified of getting on the scale. I've done nothing but eat everything I could get my hands on for about a week. Except last night. A ray of hope shined. I left work after a 15 hour shift taking care of patients on a floor where over 60percent of them either had the flu or exhibited flu-like symptoms. I was wanting to baby myself becaue I had been up since 6:30 (and i'm NOT a morning person) dealt with a ton of sneezing, coughing, comfused patients, new staff, whiney staff, my coworker calling in and the day shift nurse staying over and leaving early and blah blah blah..... oh and I had one patient die before the day was through. Alright, enough of me whining. The end of the day I felt good, acoomplished, the ache in my feet brought nothing but gratitude the day was done. Somewhere along the drive home I thought McDonald's meal would be the perfect way to nurture mysef, then I realized that it wasn't the mcdonalds I wanted, but just to nurture myself, and I could do that with a shower once I got home, and so that's how it was. Thank God.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Somewhere, There Is Balance
"Your not too tired, because you haven't given up, you're still fighting."
I heard that today as I climbed that precor machine with anger, passion, an almost psychotic purpose of... letting go. Angry because I was angry, angry because I didn't know what ot do to NOT feel angry, angry because I didn't have all the answers, angry because I was so angry I couldn't hear myself think. I had 15 minutes, and I was going to make it as painful as possible. I woke up angry, and all I wanted to do was sweat, breathe, and burn... burn whatever it was that was boiling up inside of me. I haven't been able to put the fire out, so I was willing to feed it so it would burn itself out. Is that surrender?
I sat in a circle last night amongst people who conciously choose everyday to connect with something greater than themselves, to understand themselves more. I sat with tears in my eyes and said over and over, "I'm so tired." Tired of working so hard at being a better person everyday. Tired of having to hold it all together. All signs point to letting go and letting God. To release my will, and my tendencies to predict and "have to know" the outcome. I'm resisting. I"m fighting. I'm tired. I've spent my whole life fighting. More times than I can count I've said "I'm a fighter" and I am. But where is the balance?
Where is the balance?
I heard that today as I climbed that precor machine with anger, passion, an almost psychotic purpose of... letting go. Angry because I was angry, angry because I didn't know what ot do to NOT feel angry, angry because I didn't have all the answers, angry because I was so angry I couldn't hear myself think. I had 15 minutes, and I was going to make it as painful as possible. I woke up angry, and all I wanted to do was sweat, breathe, and burn... burn whatever it was that was boiling up inside of me. I haven't been able to put the fire out, so I was willing to feed it so it would burn itself out. Is that surrender?
I sat in a circle last night amongst people who conciously choose everyday to connect with something greater than themselves, to understand themselves more. I sat with tears in my eyes and said over and over, "I'm so tired." Tired of working so hard at being a better person everyday. Tired of having to hold it all together. All signs point to letting go and letting God. To release my will, and my tendencies to predict and "have to know" the outcome. I'm resisting. I"m fighting. I'm tired. I've spent my whole life fighting. More times than I can count I've said "I'm a fighter" and I am. But where is the balance?
Where is the balance?
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Granting as Opposed to Teaching
"I asked God to grant me patience, not teach me patience." - Once I realized thats what I had been doing, I asked God to treach me patience, and thought of the old saying about giving a man a fish he eats for a day, teach him to fish he eats for the rest of his life.... I'd like to have patience the rest of my life...
After leaving lunch with Jack I couldn't wait to hit the gym with Burkey, I was ready to have my ass handed to me. I hadn't been pushing myself as hard as I would have liked to, but today I was ready. About an hour before the workout the anger set it in. I was tired, my back hurt, and I did NOT want to work out with Burkey. I meditated. My pinky fingers kept coming apart during the meditation, along with my thumbs shortly following although not as far. THIS is significant. What do the pinky's represent? Because obviously there was a break in that flow. I was patient with myself. I breathed and gracefully brought them back together. I was awaken out of the meditation by a text from Burkey reminding me of our appointment, and off I went, AFTER I did some research on what the pinky finger represents, which of course made perfect sense.
I was ready to go again. I deep yearning to push myself like I hadn't done it a while was there. Burkey said let's do it... six overhead squats in, yes... only six I yelled, "I FUCKING HATE SQUATS!" The look on Burkey's face was priceless, he said OMG, wow... sounded like a demon coming out there, you are gonna hate today then. Aside from the 50 sit ups I done today, EVERYTHING was squat related.
*Whenever we have a strong emotional reaction to something especially when it's some physical activity, it really has nothing to do with the activity. It's us. There is some deeper issue there, ALWAYS.*
After the 20 overhead squats with the empty bar, it was time for my very least favorite squat with barbell and weights, that sits on the front of my shoulders/collar bone and requires a good amount of shoulder, upper back, and wrist flexibility which I don't have much of. I got angry. And when say angery, I was fucking pissed. I had tears in my eyes and watned nothing more than to throw that barbell at that mirror. It hurt, and I wanted to give up. but I was SO SICK of not pushing myself as hard as I could. I was determined to push through without modification because I knew there was a deeper issue. I had to take a few breaks, and got even more livid with each squat, the last one I pretty much threw the barbell on the rack and was like I'm fucking done. I told my trainer if he said I had to do 60 of ANYTHING I would cry. My body was trembling, my heart was racing, I wanted to cry. I was furious. He said okay 50 sit ups. WTF are you fucking kidding me!?!?! I reminded him how the last time I felt like this I had to go get orange juice because my sugar was dropping... he said "sometimes it's mental and emotional don't you think?" Bingo. I do think that. Alot actually, and honestly I was tired of wasting time. Precious time of my two hours a month I have with my trainer, I was gonna do 50 fucking pushups if it killed me.
That was when I looked at him and said, "You're teaching me patience aren't you?" Looking back, I think that statement was way more directed at God, I just happen to say it aloud while looking at Burkey. So in the midst of my rage, yes... it was in rage at that point. I said okay, and I made a decision I was doing 50 situps. One at a time, one breath at a time. I was gonna zen/yoga those bitches right out... after sit up number 2, I burst out laughing. I laughed pretty hard, just dangling there, upside down... laughing. It wasn't until Burkey pointed out my anger, in an instant, was gone.... holy shit. He was right.
The moment I made a decision, took a breath, and totally and utterly surrendered... every once of anger left as quickly as it had come.
What exactly was it that I was battling today? Not sure. Is that important? No. What is important is that I recognized there was anger, it had nothing to do with those squats or Burkey, but me... and I wanted to push through that more than I wanted to hide from whatever pain was surfacing because I know it only hurts for a moment and then I'm free, free to live my life with one less emotional blockage creating chaos and dirtying up my aura. Something was released today. I wonder what other aspects of my life this block was affecting? I don't know... I just know that it's not there anymore, it was beautiful, and I am grateful.
Namaste,
Dottie
After leaving lunch with Jack I couldn't wait to hit the gym with Burkey, I was ready to have my ass handed to me. I hadn't been pushing myself as hard as I would have liked to, but today I was ready. About an hour before the workout the anger set it in. I was tired, my back hurt, and I did NOT want to work out with Burkey. I meditated. My pinky fingers kept coming apart during the meditation, along with my thumbs shortly following although not as far. THIS is significant. What do the pinky's represent? Because obviously there was a break in that flow. I was patient with myself. I breathed and gracefully brought them back together. I was awaken out of the meditation by a text from Burkey reminding me of our appointment, and off I went, AFTER I did some research on what the pinky finger represents, which of course made perfect sense.
I was ready to go again. I deep yearning to push myself like I hadn't done it a while was there. Burkey said let's do it... six overhead squats in, yes... only six I yelled, "I FUCKING HATE SQUATS!" The look on Burkey's face was priceless, he said OMG, wow... sounded like a demon coming out there, you are gonna hate today then. Aside from the 50 sit ups I done today, EVERYTHING was squat related.
*Whenever we have a strong emotional reaction to something especially when it's some physical activity, it really has nothing to do with the activity. It's us. There is some deeper issue there, ALWAYS.*
After the 20 overhead squats with the empty bar, it was time for my very least favorite squat with barbell and weights, that sits on the front of my shoulders/collar bone and requires a good amount of shoulder, upper back, and wrist flexibility which I don't have much of. I got angry. And when say angery, I was fucking pissed. I had tears in my eyes and watned nothing more than to throw that barbell at that mirror. It hurt, and I wanted to give up. but I was SO SICK of not pushing myself as hard as I could. I was determined to push through without modification because I knew there was a deeper issue. I had to take a few breaks, and got even more livid with each squat, the last one I pretty much threw the barbell on the rack and was like I'm fucking done. I told my trainer if he said I had to do 60 of ANYTHING I would cry. My body was trembling, my heart was racing, I wanted to cry. I was furious. He said okay 50 sit ups. WTF are you fucking kidding me!?!?! I reminded him how the last time I felt like this I had to go get orange juice because my sugar was dropping... he said "sometimes it's mental and emotional don't you think?" Bingo. I do think that. Alot actually, and honestly I was tired of wasting time. Precious time of my two hours a month I have with my trainer, I was gonna do 50 fucking pushups if it killed me.
That was when I looked at him and said, "You're teaching me patience aren't you?" Looking back, I think that statement was way more directed at God, I just happen to say it aloud while looking at Burkey. So in the midst of my rage, yes... it was in rage at that point. I said okay, and I made a decision I was doing 50 situps. One at a time, one breath at a time. I was gonna zen/yoga those bitches right out... after sit up number 2, I burst out laughing. I laughed pretty hard, just dangling there, upside down... laughing. It wasn't until Burkey pointed out my anger, in an instant, was gone.... holy shit. He was right.
The moment I made a decision, took a breath, and totally and utterly surrendered... every once of anger left as quickly as it had come.
What exactly was it that I was battling today? Not sure. Is that important? No. What is important is that I recognized there was anger, it had nothing to do with those squats or Burkey, but me... and I wanted to push through that more than I wanted to hide from whatever pain was surfacing because I know it only hurts for a moment and then I'm free, free to live my life with one less emotional blockage creating chaos and dirtying up my aura. Something was released today. I wonder what other aspects of my life this block was affecting? I don't know... I just know that it's not there anymore, it was beautiful, and I am grateful.
Namaste,
Dottie
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Pain & Change
"When the pain is great enough, you will change."
A belief that has carried me over many obstacles in the last couple of years. Today, something shifted. I haven't ran in a week, I had lost my desire to run. It's the week I bump up to running 5 min solid, and have no desire to do that. Can I do it physically? Yes, I've done it before. All that kept running through my head is how boring it is going ot be to run for 5 minutes, and yes granted at about 3.5 minutes are start thinking how much this is really starting to suck.... but for the most part I keep thinking this is boring I don't want to run for 5 minutes. So I asked myself if it was just the running I didn't want to do or running for the five minutes... it was just the five minutes, I really wanted to run.
So, I ran, I ran two minute intervals for 20 min at a little bit faster past because I like runnin fast... and I felt amazing. It was easy. I can very comfortable run that. As I was asking myself what was going on with me, what where my feelings? My thoughts? Any fears? Any expecations? Were they reasonable expectations or was my sometimes over-acheiving nature begninning to play a part, It was none of that. I saw myself in the circuit training class a few days before where I wasn't pushing myself as hard as I used to. Once the physical pain became too uncomfortable I stopped, I didn't see the point in continuing that particular cycle.
I have lost the desire to push myself outside of my comfort zone because there is no more pain. I am content. The pain of where I am no longer supercedes the pain it will take to get to where I'm going.
My sense of I hurt so bad emotionally, physically, spiritually, I am willing to near kill myself to make this change... is gone. I'm no longer a broken, shattered mess that is feverishly searching for a way out of where I am. I've embraced where I am. I have become whole. Pain has always been my biggest movitvator my entire life. Pain has drove me to the darkest depths of my darkest days, and then turned right around and brought me to a place of utter joy, serenity, and peace.
I sat in the gym this morning and laughed. I was grateful for the pain and for the freedom. I was grateful for everything I had been through and been given... and then wondered if there is no more pain, what will be my biggest motivator? If I seek pain, I would find it. But why would I do that? To begin another vicious cycle? No worries, I won't be seeking pain. If I were to seek out pain, simply to motivate myself I would simply be using my old self-destructive tendencies... as someone once told me "You were everything you've been through like a badge of honor, what are you gonna put yourself through next? When are you going to stop?" Right now. (Well, Right then actually) There was a shift. I've known nothing but struggle my entire life. Facing a demon, only to fight it. I don't have to fight anymore. I've chosen to not suffer. Those words spoken to me those few months ago reverberated through my being into eternity. A change occured, instantaneously.
So what now? Continue to enjoy where I am. Give my body what it needs, my inner child what it wants, and my God my life while remembering only the lessons and the Love, and keeping it moving. All within a beautiful balance. Letting go, and breathing... always. Honoring myself and others. A psychic told me about 2 and half years ago as I grew spiritually, the weight would literally fall off, hmph. I went back to that moment just now and smiled. It's neat how I can look back on THAT moment while seeing this one, but couldn't see this moment, while being in that one...
Love & Light
Dottie
A belief that has carried me over many obstacles in the last couple of years. Today, something shifted. I haven't ran in a week, I had lost my desire to run. It's the week I bump up to running 5 min solid, and have no desire to do that. Can I do it physically? Yes, I've done it before. All that kept running through my head is how boring it is going ot be to run for 5 minutes, and yes granted at about 3.5 minutes are start thinking how much this is really starting to suck.... but for the most part I keep thinking this is boring I don't want to run for 5 minutes. So I asked myself if it was just the running I didn't want to do or running for the five minutes... it was just the five minutes, I really wanted to run.
So, I ran, I ran two minute intervals for 20 min at a little bit faster past because I like runnin fast... and I felt amazing. It was easy. I can very comfortable run that. As I was asking myself what was going on with me, what where my feelings? My thoughts? Any fears? Any expecations? Were they reasonable expectations or was my sometimes over-acheiving nature begninning to play a part, It was none of that. I saw myself in the circuit training class a few days before where I wasn't pushing myself as hard as I used to. Once the physical pain became too uncomfortable I stopped, I didn't see the point in continuing that particular cycle.
I have lost the desire to push myself outside of my comfort zone because there is no more pain. I am content. The pain of where I am no longer supercedes the pain it will take to get to where I'm going.
My sense of I hurt so bad emotionally, physically, spiritually, I am willing to near kill myself to make this change... is gone. I'm no longer a broken, shattered mess that is feverishly searching for a way out of where I am. I've embraced where I am. I have become whole. Pain has always been my biggest movitvator my entire life. Pain has drove me to the darkest depths of my darkest days, and then turned right around and brought me to a place of utter joy, serenity, and peace.
I sat in the gym this morning and laughed. I was grateful for the pain and for the freedom. I was grateful for everything I had been through and been given... and then wondered if there is no more pain, what will be my biggest motivator? If I seek pain, I would find it. But why would I do that? To begin another vicious cycle? No worries, I won't be seeking pain. If I were to seek out pain, simply to motivate myself I would simply be using my old self-destructive tendencies... as someone once told me "You were everything you've been through like a badge of honor, what are you gonna put yourself through next? When are you going to stop?" Right now. (Well, Right then actually) There was a shift. I've known nothing but struggle my entire life. Facing a demon, only to fight it. I don't have to fight anymore. I've chosen to not suffer. Those words spoken to me those few months ago reverberated through my being into eternity. A change occured, instantaneously.
So what now? Continue to enjoy where I am. Give my body what it needs, my inner child what it wants, and my God my life while remembering only the lessons and the Love, and keeping it moving. All within a beautiful balance. Letting go, and breathing... always. Honoring myself and others. A psychic told me about 2 and half years ago as I grew spiritually, the weight would literally fall off, hmph. I went back to that moment just now and smiled. It's neat how I can look back on THAT moment while seeing this one, but couldn't see this moment, while being in that one...
Love & Light
Dottie
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Still Some Anger
Still some anger... holding steady at -54 lbs
Not real sure where to start. I guess anywhere is good. There is still anger, although not as much. In yoga today I found myself struggling between pushing myself farther and staying within that "sweet discomfort." Last couple days I've been feeling that some of my anger is coming from denial. While it's healthy to have an attitude of my weight cannot hold me back from anything I want to do, it is also healthy to accept that RIGHT NOW there are some things I cannot do because of my weight., and that's also been the case in the past. I get so angry when anyone offers me props during yoga or modifications. Today the instructor gently laid a bolster in front of me making it available and said, "If you would like to use a bolster feel free to do so." I wanted to sling it across the room, then beat her with it when I came out of the pose. Acceptance. I've maintained a steady weightloss of 54 lbs for over 2 months now. I gently remind myself, it will come off in God's time, when I'm ready to deal with whatever is hiding under this part of my journey. However, this doesn't stop me from putting forth my effort! lol I'm so grateful to have not gained any weight throughout the holidays which was my goal. SO, anyways... back to my part, I'm back to logging everything I eat. I think what will help me the most is that completed log button at the bottom of the page when it says "If every day were like today..." It either gives me inspiration to do as I did THAT day, or not be so hard on myself because even on my "Bad" days, it's not as bad as I think it is. One day, or two for that matter, is not gonna make me stack back on 5 lbs... it's pretty much physically impossible.
So with that being said.... I still don't feel like I hit any core issues, whatever. I'm ready to start loosing again. My mind has caught up with my body now, and it's time to keep moving....
Love & Light
Dottie
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