"I asked God to grant me patience, not teach me patience." - Once I realized thats what I had been doing, I asked God to treach me patience, and thought of the old saying about giving a man a fish he eats for a day, teach him to fish he eats for the rest of his life.... I'd like to have patience the rest of my life...
After leaving lunch with Jack I couldn't wait to hit the gym with Burkey, I was ready to have my ass handed to me. I hadn't been pushing myself as hard as I would have liked to, but today I was ready. About an hour before the workout the anger set it in. I was tired, my back hurt, and I did NOT want to work out with Burkey. I meditated. My pinky fingers kept coming apart during the meditation, along with my thumbs shortly following although not as far. THIS is significant. What do the pinky's represent? Because obviously there was a break in that flow. I was patient with myself. I breathed and gracefully brought them back together. I was awaken out of the meditation by a text from Burkey reminding me of our appointment, and off I went, AFTER I did some research on what the pinky finger represents, which of course made perfect sense.
I was ready to go again. I deep yearning to push myself like I hadn't done it a while was there. Burkey said let's do it... six overhead squats in, yes... only six I yelled, "I FUCKING HATE SQUATS!" The look on Burkey's face was priceless, he said OMG, wow... sounded like a demon coming out there, you are gonna hate today then. Aside from the 50 sit ups I done today, EVERYTHING was squat related.
*Whenever we have a strong emotional reaction to something especially when it's some physical activity, it really has nothing to do with the activity. It's us. There is some deeper issue there, ALWAYS.*
After the 20 overhead squats with the empty bar, it was time for my very least favorite squat with barbell and weights, that sits on the front of my shoulders/collar bone and requires a good amount of shoulder, upper back, and wrist flexibility which I don't have much of. I got angry. And when say angery, I was fucking pissed. I had tears in my eyes and watned nothing more than to throw that barbell at that mirror. It hurt, and I wanted to give up. but I was SO SICK of not pushing myself as hard as I could. I was determined to push through without modification because I knew there was a deeper issue. I had to take a few breaks, and got even more livid with each squat, the last one I pretty much threw the barbell on the rack and was like I'm fucking done. I told my trainer if he said I had to do 60 of ANYTHING I would cry. My body was trembling, my heart was racing, I wanted to cry. I was furious. He said okay 50 sit ups. WTF are you fucking kidding me!?!?! I reminded him how the last time I felt like this I had to go get orange juice because my sugar was dropping... he said "sometimes it's mental and emotional don't you think?" Bingo. I do think that. Alot actually, and honestly I was tired of wasting time. Precious time of my two hours a month I have with my trainer, I was gonna do 50 fucking pushups if it killed me.
That was when I looked at him and said, "You're teaching me patience aren't you?" Looking back, I think that statement was way more directed at God, I just happen to say it aloud while looking at Burkey. So in the midst of my rage, yes... it was in rage at that point. I said okay, and I made a decision I was doing 50 situps. One at a time, one breath at a time. I was gonna zen/yoga those bitches right out... after sit up number 2, I burst out laughing. I laughed pretty hard, just dangling there, upside down... laughing. It wasn't until Burkey pointed out my anger, in an instant, was gone.... holy shit. He was right.
The moment I made a decision, took a breath, and totally and utterly surrendered... every once of anger left as quickly as it had come.
What exactly was it that I was battling today? Not sure. Is that important? No. What is important is that I recognized there was anger, it had nothing to do with those squats or Burkey, but me... and I wanted to push through that more than I wanted to hide from whatever pain was surfacing because I know it only hurts for a moment and then I'm free, free to live my life with one less emotional blockage creating chaos and dirtying up my aura. Something was released today. I wonder what other aspects of my life this block was affecting? I don't know... I just know that it's not there anymore, it was beautiful, and I am grateful.
Namaste,
Dottie
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Pain & Change
"When the pain is great enough, you will change."
A belief that has carried me over many obstacles in the last couple of years. Today, something shifted. I haven't ran in a week, I had lost my desire to run. It's the week I bump up to running 5 min solid, and have no desire to do that. Can I do it physically? Yes, I've done it before. All that kept running through my head is how boring it is going ot be to run for 5 minutes, and yes granted at about 3.5 minutes are start thinking how much this is really starting to suck.... but for the most part I keep thinking this is boring I don't want to run for 5 minutes. So I asked myself if it was just the running I didn't want to do or running for the five minutes... it was just the five minutes, I really wanted to run.
So, I ran, I ran two minute intervals for 20 min at a little bit faster past because I like runnin fast... and I felt amazing. It was easy. I can very comfortable run that. As I was asking myself what was going on with me, what where my feelings? My thoughts? Any fears? Any expecations? Were they reasonable expectations or was my sometimes over-acheiving nature begninning to play a part, It was none of that. I saw myself in the circuit training class a few days before where I wasn't pushing myself as hard as I used to. Once the physical pain became too uncomfortable I stopped, I didn't see the point in continuing that particular cycle.
I have lost the desire to push myself outside of my comfort zone because there is no more pain. I am content. The pain of where I am no longer supercedes the pain it will take to get to where I'm going.
My sense of I hurt so bad emotionally, physically, spiritually, I am willing to near kill myself to make this change... is gone. I'm no longer a broken, shattered mess that is feverishly searching for a way out of where I am. I've embraced where I am. I have become whole. Pain has always been my biggest movitvator my entire life. Pain has drove me to the darkest depths of my darkest days, and then turned right around and brought me to a place of utter joy, serenity, and peace.
I sat in the gym this morning and laughed. I was grateful for the pain and for the freedom. I was grateful for everything I had been through and been given... and then wondered if there is no more pain, what will be my biggest motivator? If I seek pain, I would find it. But why would I do that? To begin another vicious cycle? No worries, I won't be seeking pain. If I were to seek out pain, simply to motivate myself I would simply be using my old self-destructive tendencies... as someone once told me "You were everything you've been through like a badge of honor, what are you gonna put yourself through next? When are you going to stop?" Right now. (Well, Right then actually) There was a shift. I've known nothing but struggle my entire life. Facing a demon, only to fight it. I don't have to fight anymore. I've chosen to not suffer. Those words spoken to me those few months ago reverberated through my being into eternity. A change occured, instantaneously.
So what now? Continue to enjoy where I am. Give my body what it needs, my inner child what it wants, and my God my life while remembering only the lessons and the Love, and keeping it moving. All within a beautiful balance. Letting go, and breathing... always. Honoring myself and others. A psychic told me about 2 and half years ago as I grew spiritually, the weight would literally fall off, hmph. I went back to that moment just now and smiled. It's neat how I can look back on THAT moment while seeing this one, but couldn't see this moment, while being in that one...
Love & Light
Dottie
A belief that has carried me over many obstacles in the last couple of years. Today, something shifted. I haven't ran in a week, I had lost my desire to run. It's the week I bump up to running 5 min solid, and have no desire to do that. Can I do it physically? Yes, I've done it before. All that kept running through my head is how boring it is going ot be to run for 5 minutes, and yes granted at about 3.5 minutes are start thinking how much this is really starting to suck.... but for the most part I keep thinking this is boring I don't want to run for 5 minutes. So I asked myself if it was just the running I didn't want to do or running for the five minutes... it was just the five minutes, I really wanted to run.
So, I ran, I ran two minute intervals for 20 min at a little bit faster past because I like runnin fast... and I felt amazing. It was easy. I can very comfortable run that. As I was asking myself what was going on with me, what where my feelings? My thoughts? Any fears? Any expecations? Were they reasonable expectations or was my sometimes over-acheiving nature begninning to play a part, It was none of that. I saw myself in the circuit training class a few days before where I wasn't pushing myself as hard as I used to. Once the physical pain became too uncomfortable I stopped, I didn't see the point in continuing that particular cycle.
I have lost the desire to push myself outside of my comfort zone because there is no more pain. I am content. The pain of where I am no longer supercedes the pain it will take to get to where I'm going.
My sense of I hurt so bad emotionally, physically, spiritually, I am willing to near kill myself to make this change... is gone. I'm no longer a broken, shattered mess that is feverishly searching for a way out of where I am. I've embraced where I am. I have become whole. Pain has always been my biggest movitvator my entire life. Pain has drove me to the darkest depths of my darkest days, and then turned right around and brought me to a place of utter joy, serenity, and peace.
I sat in the gym this morning and laughed. I was grateful for the pain and for the freedom. I was grateful for everything I had been through and been given... and then wondered if there is no more pain, what will be my biggest motivator? If I seek pain, I would find it. But why would I do that? To begin another vicious cycle? No worries, I won't be seeking pain. If I were to seek out pain, simply to motivate myself I would simply be using my old self-destructive tendencies... as someone once told me "You were everything you've been through like a badge of honor, what are you gonna put yourself through next? When are you going to stop?" Right now. (Well, Right then actually) There was a shift. I've known nothing but struggle my entire life. Facing a demon, only to fight it. I don't have to fight anymore. I've chosen to not suffer. Those words spoken to me those few months ago reverberated through my being into eternity. A change occured, instantaneously.
So what now? Continue to enjoy where I am. Give my body what it needs, my inner child what it wants, and my God my life while remembering only the lessons and the Love, and keeping it moving. All within a beautiful balance. Letting go, and breathing... always. Honoring myself and others. A psychic told me about 2 and half years ago as I grew spiritually, the weight would literally fall off, hmph. I went back to that moment just now and smiled. It's neat how I can look back on THAT moment while seeing this one, but couldn't see this moment, while being in that one...
Love & Light
Dottie
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