First of all, I'm not sure I believe in failure. I've always believed/said failure is when you stop trying. That failure didn't exist, and I had never failed at anything. Is that an avenue I've used to avoid taking responsibility? To look at someone and say, I gave my best, I truly did. I gave 120% and it just didn't work out, it didn't turn out like I had planned, I didn't achieve my goal. It's difficult for people to see that person as having failed, because they gave everything they had, what else can you give?! How can you fault someone who walked away/quit/gave up... ONLY when they truly had nothing left to give? I sure don't. I don't fault anyone, including myself. I respect them, I admire them. But what happens when we feel we gave everything we had, only to find out in one quick instant, that obviously we had not... because if we had, we wouldn't be doing what we are in that particular instant of realization.
"An all out minute on the airdyne will, always, teach you something." - b
I had been there before. For 60 seconds, you give every last drop of yourself. Mentally, emotionally, & physically. And spiritually for that matter, because nothing fucking matters for that 60 seconds. Because this 60 seconds is between you & the airdyne, God has nothing to do with it. I was ready and willing to give it my all, everything. Was a plan beneficial or not? Because yes, I initially had one. I know how easy the first 20 seconds are, and how quickly the airdyne takes from you, relentlessly. I had assimilated a bit of a plan, was it in fact beneficial? Guess will find out next time, when I go in without one. However, 36 seconds in, I truly felt I had nothing left. NOTHING. Like I was giving 150%, and was watching & feeling myself slow down beyond my control. Helpless. I muttered the words on the exhale of an exhausted breath, "I GOT NOTHING" somewhere between 36 & 53 seconds. Instant WTF moment. Instant rage. REALLY? You got nothing?!?! Cause saying those words alone, JUST said you had SOMETHING! Are you fucking kidding me? That was two days ago, I'm still pissed about it. I feel I gave up. I was ready to give up & I almost did until I uttered those words, shattering what I considered absolutely true & honest. Made the fact that I did break my record, meaningless. Is that really it? I'm angry because I ALMOST gave up? Most people congratulate themselves for not giving up when they wanted to, but I'm pissed at myself because I thought about it? Because I almost did? lol That's kind of ridiculous! Incredibly high standards even fore me. Eh, No. I'm angry because I was so fucking sure, POSITIVE without one shred of doubt... I had given everything, only to find out, I hadn't. How many other times in my life had this happened? I doubted everything I ever believed about myself in that moment.
Since then, I've wanted nothing more to get back on that bike. As if to tell it, I'll show you, you're not going to beat me, you are not going to take me back to that moment. I'm ready, lets go again. I won't want to quit at any point. But really now? Let's be honest. It's not about the bike. It doesn't give a shit. The only thing we are battling is ourselves & let me tell you, those who show up at the station, willing to do the work know how to battle. And for most of us, it takes way more strength to surrender than it does to keep fighting.
With Humility, Willingness, & Courage...
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